My Suffering...

This is one of my darker pieces... not sure why i wrote it but would like some honest feedback...

Standing, quivering, alone,

As the predators stalked towards me.

Gently stepping back and hitting the ground,

As my own feet fail me.

High pitched cackles fill the air,

Mocking their prey.

The world spins as I struggle,

Pinning to the spot.

Icy tears stream down my cheeks,

Burning and stinging the flesh beneath them.

One hit and I’m down.

Many more and I shall be gone.

 

Books rapidly fill the sky

As I lay lifeless.

Hoping, praying, begging for an end.

My cries can be heard but no one listens,

These screams being voice day in, day out.

Pain and misery fill my world.

 

Why?

 

The cold washes over me before I can realise.

I lay thinking about a release,

Thinking about anyone who can help me.

My feet begin to shift beneath me,

Dragging me away from the violent blows.

Suddenly I am running,

Running faster than I ever imagined,

Running to my freedom.

 

The iron gate swings before me,

Shielding me from the outside world.

Home, freedom, shelter.

This was what I had been hoping for,

Wishing I could curl into my covers.

My tears stain the pillowcase beneath me

But I do not care.

For now I am safe….

Author's Note

Any opinions would be appreciated

Reviews

[cartera]

The poem reads, sadly, like a metaphor for a young person's fear of the future that , at present, in the U.K., seems like a frightening place. Bookland is not appearing to be a provider of the 'answers', or a settled future, and indeed, cluds it over. A backward run to home is the best, safest answer.
But that cannot last.
Don't try to figure out why you write a particualr piece; something inb you demanded it be written. go with it and do not question. Others will do that for you. YTou obviously have a good command of the language.
ATB
Alex.

[Marie Baskerville]

thanks for the feedback :)

[Anniebugg]

I could feel your fear. You describe events so vividly that the reader gets involved. I wanted to get out of there. I have no idea if this was a metaphor or not. But I did enjoy it. There was a shift in tense, however, at the very beginning - "As the predators stalked towards me." is past tense whereas all of your other thoughts are present. Good work, Marie.

[dunnia]

a really nice poem........shows true fear