(Sample) Perry- welcome to the darkside brother

A sample from the actual story I'm working on. I'd appreciate it if you would advise me on my writing or characterization. Also comment if you would actually enjoy reading more.

PERRY
The metal bonds around Perry's hands were heating up, embedding into her wrists. If they were going to burn her on the steak with the scarcely crafted chains around her, she was seen as a threat. She smiled at this. They would kill her, the frightening witch they had exiled. She could see them, the soldiers, weary with adrenaline from catching her, arms shaking. She would go out as a picture of intimidation.

The commoners of la couche watched her with hesitation. Was she going to hurt them? No, she would never. Did she want to hurt anybody? Heck no. Sure, she had blood on her hands but it was to protect herself. The soldiers would've slashed clean through her if she hadn't . But that was when she wasn't aware of what she was capable of. Now she didn't have to kill them to keep herself alive.

Perry had decoded Louis' oracle-riddle: "the person who stumbled with grace through the stars will soon balance the darkness of space with the light, making differentiating between them almost impossible"

The rest of the "Exile-Plus-Girlfriend" gang didn't bother to decode the message. Perry did it just because she had nothing better to do. Louis had went off with her girlfriend( whom she forgot the name of, again). Vika wasn't there. Perry hadn't seen them for some time. Was it okay for her to begin to worry about them? Basil just didn't give a crap about any of them except Tawny. Well he did, he just wouldn't show it. He was probably away doing his "princely duties" ,whatever that meant. Most likely something awful to small children and birds. Like throwing chunks of buttered pretzel bread at them. Perry disliked Basil. Just... something about him wasn't right. Asa was dead. The group connected with Asa hadn't been found.

The others, Charlie, Melloney, and Gavin hadn't been found yet. From what Louis' tree-god-friend had said Charlie and Melloney had found each other, though it wasn't the most appropriate brother-sister reunion. Gavin was somewhere off with Vika (She hoped he would score it with Vika. Gavin had been eyeing them for months. Perry didn't disagree when he had whispered to her that Vika was attractive. They were. Charli had just shrieked in fear. He had told Perry his fear of Vika stealing their bro away. She countered. Reminding him of how she had dated Vika for about two months and Vika always had to do other things than spend time with her: staring at Gavin not so secretly at soccer practice. That's why she broke it off with them.).

Perry put on the extravagant show of smirking at the soldiers in their huddle. while the flames roared around her alighting her chains with a burning so vigorous it turned ghostly. Her arms were numb with lack of blood flow. She wouldn't let her act fall now. She cocked a wild grin. A chick with wavy, honey blonde hair glowered at her and turned to call to one of her legionnaires. Perry could only hear a word over the inferno: bow. No. She wasn't ready. She didn't know how Louis' oracle-mouth-blather was going to come into play. What if what she said didn't apply to perry? What if this was the end?

The archer appeared from the dark. Stark white hair highlighted orange from the flames. Unpigmented eyes a scarlet. He notched the arrow. Poisoned. She could she the harpy feathers at the end. Chestnut with black tips and golden and white highlights. Vika's. No. Not now. Please, no. She could feel her eyes pricking with dry tears. Not Vika. Not now when she's about to die! Perry forced a smile and shifted her head downward where her bangs could cover her eyes. She sensed the bowstring draw backwards. The blonde girl's voice scratched the sound of the fire and the crowd's silence, "let it fly."

Perry glanced up through her bangs. The arrow soared toward her hitting her in the lung. She laughed through the pain, gasping for air. Her right lung was a goner. She snapped her eyes shut, breathing through her teeth. When was it going to happen? It needed to happen now. before she actually died.

She felt the flames soar in temperature . The air smelt of raspberries, like a farm's raspberry field that had been soaked in gasoline and full of avid cigarette smokers. But the air was soon overwhelmed with the raspberry sent. Around her the temperature went from "Sea World in the summertime" to "beer cooler". Goosebumps spread across her arms due to the rapid change in temperature.

Perry grunted and buckled over. Her punctured lung felt like it was ripping into atoms, being put back, and taken apart again. The parts of her arms being touched by her bonds doppled the pain. Not soon enough, the gut wrenching pain had subsided replaced by numbness.

Perry couldn't hear the fire. Was she dead? The feeling of the chains around her turned ghostly. She felt weightlessness. She opened her clenched eyelids.

Perry observed her surroundings. Dark Purple and fuchsia clouds. Sprinklings of orange, white, and red stars. Empty space. The clouds were inescapable, like a thick fog. An endless expanse of universes.

A rock the size of her two fists combined zipped past her, almost clipping her side. The heat from the floating rock seared her right side. numbness from the atom rearranging soothed some of the burn, but Perry could still feel a burning ache.

She grunted. Perry couldn't handle the gravity of the situation for any longer. Floating weightless in space was not recommended for your stomach. Message Perry approved.

The clouds morphed into a platform in front of Perry allowing her to set her feet down. Gravity took a hold of her...she face planted on the purple space-cloud.Really gracefully. Yeah, that's what she would tell anybody who ask about her experience in La Couche: "I face planted gracefully on the clouds".

Still lying on the ground, the onyx wands she had crafted out of alchemical marble and the Ritual of Alcharchi (the couchian word for darkness. Alcharch is just dark) flickered into her hands, forming out of the darkness of space. They blocked out the shining of the of the stars. The stars that seemed so far away started to creep forward slowly. The wands suctioned in the light from them like a black hole. The wands shone with a pure, intense light. They broke up the darkness of space around them.

Perry raised her weapon, still laying on the puffy cloud, knowing that her hunch was right: she was the one the prophecy told of. Arcs of white light shot out of her raised wand.

PERRY
As Perry lunged though the Void towards the surface of La Couche. The clouds had to dash to make platforms for her. Her dress( which was not the best clothing choice for this situation: she had tripped on it on the way up) billowed out behind her. visions of her and friends' journey had flashed before her giving a her a major headache. She knew what the fate of her friends was now. Asa was of huge assistance, reviving them when they died. She had a bone to pick with a couple of her questmates. Especially, Melloney.

She shot into the sky, landing dramatically on the platforms. If she was going to receive vengeance for her comrades she was going to look awesome while doing it. Sparks flashed in the distance. La couche must have been bombarded by storms for the void to pick up on it.

She continued to leap up the platforms for about a minute before the clouds began to falter.

Perry skidded to a stop. Her dress' skirt swished in front of her from the force. The wind was violent, electricity arched down from the clouds. Perry studied her surroundings.

She wasn't to far from the mainland, but she was somewhere at the edge of la Couche, standing on her cloud platform above the Philtates sea. The sun was sinking below the horizon. The battle was most likely at its most heated point.

Perry stepped down from where she was standing and willed the water to freeze below. She expected her ankles to snap due to the landing, but she seemed to be invincible. As though she had gained immortality from the void.

she took a tentative step forward to check if her cryokinesis was reliable. The water froze. She cracked a smile at the similarity of this to that scene in Frozen, which was one of her least favorite disney movies. Elsa could try to be radder than Perry, but she would end up walking straight and tripping on that dress of hers. Perry forth, feet slapping on the thick ice. That was one cool sound that Elsa would never be rad enough to create.

Author's Note

I hope you enjoyed this gem! I'm basically writing all of these scenes out of order and in my own time when I'm bored and not blocked like a dam of emotions. Tell me what you thought about this. The artwork is actually by me so yeah.

Reviews

[Lucid Ghost]

Okay, so truthfully, I stopped reading about halfway. Don't let me discourage you. You can write, you have sentence structure, plot and character development, and you have tone and style. It just seems very much like some sort of fan fiction. I also wasn't sure what was going on. I get that she is a witch, but the fire, the arrow, the execution didn't feel realistic enough for me. I don't care how strong she is or what she can do or what she is trying to prove, being burned alive hurts like hell. You have to show her weakness whether you want to or not because right now she isn't human which means she isn't relatable which means the story has no effect. And what time period are we in? Witches, oracles, a public execution, legionnaires? And then we have allusions to Frozen and Sea World? Those allusions may give insight on the characters personality, but they seem like there were thrown in from 2015 and into the 1800's. The timeline, the characters, the whole situation seems like a big glob of different ingredients from different worlds mixed together. Unnatural. But, you have something here. You have something to work with. I suggest figuring out your whole setting, plot and characters. I suggest working on it a little bit more orderly because it doesn't feel right. But keep at it. You have something. Make it happen.