Goodbye

This is something of a journal entry, but it's more of a letter that I'll never send. It is "addressed" to my ex-boyfriend, the one that got away, if you will.

Goodbye is a relative term. It covers a multitude of time. Goodbye for now, goodbye forever. We say goodbye daily, but it has never really occurred to me how real goodbye can be. You told me goodbye, the word ringing with finality, more than once. It became your biggest threat against me. I made you angry, you left me with that one word. As many times as I received another goodbye, I also received another hello. That is, until the final goodbye. I thought it would be like all the other times. We fight, walk away, end it all. But everytime we walked away, we found our way back. When goodbye finally became true, it was like the sun had set, and would never rise again. Brantley Gilbert put it best: "It's like a death inside the family". We never realize how powerful a loss can be. Sure, you're alive and well, but you're gone. I can't see your face, touch your hands, or hear your voice. You said goodbye, and you meant it.

I tried to start over. I really did. I met someone who I thought could fix me, make me better. And he tried, he really tried. He gave me nothing but love and compassion, even when I didn't deserve it. Every moment I spent with him was filled with happiness. When you left, I broke, and I couldn't figure out how to put myself back together. But when I was with him, I almost felt whole again. I almost felt like myself. It was the inevitable nights spent alone in my bed that ripped the wound open again. The shadow of loneliness that hid in the background until I was by myself. As much as I wished that he could help me fix myself, he couldn't, because I couldn't let him. I broke his heart, and in some twisted way that made me feel a little better, because at least I wasn't suffering alone anymore.

After I failed to start fresh, I decided it was time to work on being alone, make it bearable. It almost worked. I didn't wake up crying every night, and I didn't always feel like my whole body was shattering into pieces. But sometimes, I couldn't escape the pain. It's been eight months since you said goodbye, and I've broken three hearts. Two were innocent, loving guys that wanted nothing but to make me happy. One was my own, clumsily pieced together and re-broken over again. It's not fair, for me to absorb as much secondhand happiness as I can from these innocent people, only to steal it away in the end. To leave them broken for trying to help me. I can't do it anymore. I am so deeply sorry for hurting them. I would blame you, but that wouldn't be fair. So I'm letting go of you, finally. You've moved on, and it's time I do the same. But I'm doing it honestly this time.

Underneath it all, you'll still be there. Forever. I will always compare you to my tattoo. The tattoo I got when I was young and so far in love with you, convinced that you meant something so important to me that your initials must be permanently scarred on my body. The tattoo is now a butterfly, your initials merely an illusion on my skin beneath the colors of a creature spreading its wings. Although my past mistake has been covered by something beautiful, your initials are far from gone. They are the groundwork beneath a flourishing expression of flight. There is no forgetting you. There may only be days of hope; hope for a moment of peace, a break from the constant memories and thoughts of you. Now I say goodbye willingly, for in my heart, you will never truly leave.

Author's Note

I welcome and encourage thoughts, opinions, and constructive criticism. I hope you read the whole thing, and I hope it speaks to each of you individually in some way.

Reviews

[Kaitlynn A. Black]

What I really liked about this flow of thought is that it brings to light one the biggest learning lessons a female can get. No matter how hard we try, unless we can heal ourselves first... everyone that gets close to us, breaks. It's a tough road, coming from a relationship so deep, but only through our own will power and want, can we truly patch them up so to move on again.
A very real piece of writing. Thanks for sharing! =)

Kate

[Jenna Capilla]

I'm glad you enjoyed this piece, and I completely agree. Healing sometimes has to be accomplished solely before moving on can be truly successful.

[Cheshire]

Very nice :) A lot of people can probably connect to this story, as most of us go through things like this, whether we want to or not :P A very good piece of short prose, the emotion practically dripping from it. Maybe its just my own personal connection to the idea behind the story, but I found it very easy to connect with it. Keep up the good work!

[Jenna Capilla]

Thank you very much. (: I'm glad you found this appealing, and that you were able to identify with my feelings/

[Twizzler]

This was beautifully written. Almost made me cry. It was nice to read your blunt honesty. I'm sure it took a lot to get this out. I wish you peace and healing.

[Jenna Capilla]

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Yes, it was hard to write and post this, but it was a type of closure that I needed.