Short story about you

I don't normally write these but It's a gloomy day in Florida and my windows are opened and my coffee is on the stove and I thought whyyyyy the hell not...

I watched him as he ordered his daily black coffee, demanding a large cup instead of a shot, being beautifully rude about it. He never thanked the barista, and he barged in here as if expecting to never be rejected of his order, which he wasn't. But I noticed how he would always leave an overly polite tip. always leaving me on edge of his personality. His hair was a beautiful length that made my heart explode when it dripped onto the marble floor on rainy days. when he smiled his lips would turn up in the most perfect way, and he hated letting anyone see him do so. 

"Hello! Annabel, are you listening? this essay is due tomorrow and unless you are planning on marching over there and planting a wet one on lover boys lips I need you to help me!" Clara laughed. 

Clara was my best friend and we come to the brew every morning, I'd like to believe it was so I can get some studies and caffeine n before classes but she says that neither are true and that he is my caffeine. Strange thing to say for a guy I don't even know. 

"yeah, i'm listening, and stop calling him that, I don't even know him" I barked back. 

"Yeah, you may not know him but your school journals sure do" she laughed again, motioning her head toward the journal covered in his name. 

Jake, Jake was his name. and the only reason I know that is because I pretended to be looking at the pastries in the glass display next to the cash register as he told the cashier his name.

"shut up, you're no better" I laughed, softening my harsh tone from earlier.

"you're right, only difference is I don't stalk the guy who owns the name written on my journal, and it's going on three years strong thank you very much. Nice attempt at a save though, lets go or we're going to be late."

"I do not stalk!" I laughed, gathering my things

"Okay maybe not stalk but you hardly got a word I was saying to you earlier and now that the conversation is about him you're fully engaged, You need to introduce yourself."

I didn't say anything as we left the shop, because Clara was right, I was so infatuated with a stranger that I only wanted to know, everything about. So far I know he has a beauty mark on the back of his neck, that he seems to rub when he gets impatient, his hands are twice my size and his fingers are filled with rings, one of which I really hoped was not an engagement ring when I first saw him, but that thought was quickly diminished once the cashier joked about it to him and he cussed her out saying that isn't a funny joke and couldn't be further from the truth. and his eyes, they were nothing special of a color but, his dark eyes were so mysterious that they could do one of two things i'm sure; either completely turn a well regulated persons life upside down or  give a purpose to anyone's life who looked into them. I tried not to. 

it wasn't hard since he never noticed me enough to look up at mine.

Author's Note

there could be a little personal experience behind this....or there could not be.

Reviews

[Meat of Dog]

I like your descriptions in this, like ‘beautifully rude’. I found the narrator relatable in her struggle of interest in Jake without the courage or guts to confront him. It’s interesting how we can develop a sense of strong affection or love for someone we don’t know! But we’ve all done it at some point in our lives. This story was nice and to the point, a quick glimpse into her life. It feels like it could be a chapter really, part of a longer story. Another interesting thing was the lack of cliché here. Honestly he sounds like an a*****e haha, and I wonder if her affection is the desire to soften him or smooth his edges. This pulls away from the cliché of him being like a handsome prince, all perfect and whatnot.

Suggestions:

“always leaving me on edge” Capitalize ‘always’. Same here “when he smiled his”. There are several other incidences of this throughout.

“says that neither are true” I would replace ‘are’ with ‘is’

“"yeah, i'm listening” I’m

“lets go or we're” Let’s

[krystle]

I don't know if Annabel wants to soften him up yet, right now based off of this piece I'd say she is just very curious and infatuated with the bad boy, not interested in anyone except myself, vibe he gives off making her want to know more about him. Thank you I appreciated and glad you liked it! And yes so embarrassing lol I will fix thank you!

[Sanjh]

Definitely the personal experience is playing a role here. The story is wonderful, hope you'll complete it, I'd love to read more.
Thank you for sharing...:)

[krystle]

Yes I'm going to! Thank you :)

[Sanjh]

you are welcome...:)

[Leslie Philibert]

Nice job, this impresses with veracity and honesty..

[krystle]

thank you!

[MomzillaNC]

Interesting beginning. I look forward to more.

NOTES: I recommend you find a beta reader/copy editor you can trust.

[krystle]

thank you! and i'm sorry but what is a beta reader?

[MomzillaNC]

You're welcome. This site may function as a beta reader. But a good copy editor should be someone you have a personal, face-to-face relationship with. Copy editors are usually paid professionals.

[krystle]

you're right, never thought of contacting one but I am thinking about moving along with this piece, i'll have to look into it, thanks for the advice!

[krystle]

nevermind, I just looked it up, well I believe that's what this website is for! haha you're all beta readers in your own way

[MomzillaNC]

Good luck.

[Pushkar Prabhat]

very well written.........i most definitely would like to read more about this maybe(not) real experience!!
i loved it!!!
:)
p.s. read it once..........some grammar checks could prove useful.

[krystle]

thank you I appreciate it! and yes haha embarrassing...I was too lazy to fix those, i'll get to it now

[Pushkar Prabhat]

You are welcome and all the best!!! :) :)

[ksscampos]

I enjoyed reading this.. perhaps you should keep it going.. just a thought. Lol btw I know all about gloomy days in Florida.. lol. Liked this very much!

[krystle]

thank you i'm glad! perhaps I will....and yes days like this one are sometimes appreciated lol

[Valkyrie Warrior]

I need to hear more! Your story has got me hooked! Please write more or I might just die!

[krystle]

thank you! haha i'm glad it had that effect although I am waiting for other peoples opinions whether or not to continue writing it :/ if I do you'll be the first to know

[Valkyrie Warrior]

Awesome thank you!