Our Love

A Poem by kayamon215

I'm hurting inside

my sanity is slowly slipping away

but I've gotta protect my pride

whether you go or stay

I apologize for all I've done to you

but it's so hard to differentiate whats false and true

you're the sweetest thing I've ever known

foolish to think you were mine alone

all I ask is for peace between us

but everything with you becomes a bust

and I can't help the thought that lingers in my head

am I truly the one you love in bed

as I look in your eyes

thinking of all the lies

is this truly meant to be

but the same thought always come back to me

I love you

I adore you

I care so much

from your delicate looks

to your sensitive touch

how could I ever leave you

you done things my own family don't do

maybe I am young

but my love's not a mistake

this girls got me sprung

her spells not something I can shake

why do I always let your looks get to my head

I'll never again fall for your tricks I think I even said

I guess it's true love is a losing game

our relationships not one that can be tamed

just make me one promise if we don't make it through

promise you'll always love me as much as I'll always love you

© 2013 kayamon215

My Review

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Reviews

Riley Bray

I definitely understand the point behind this poem, and I think, while not a rare topic, it was good that you added the personal flare to it. Everyone experiences this same emotion but in very different ways. There were some things I wanted to point out to you though, and they are as follows:

my sanity is slowly slipping away------------------------------------and my sanity is slowly slipping away

whether you go or stay-----------------------------------------------make a new stanza after this line or use punctuation of a sort

but it's so hard to differentiate whats false and true------either add from in between differentiate and whats or end the line after differentiate

foolish to think you were mine alone----------------------------add the words "it was" at the beginning of the sentence

but everything with you becomes a bust-----------------------bit of awkward wording here

and I can't help the thought that lingers in my head-------more awkward wording

am I truly the one you love in bed-------------------------------according to the rest of your poem this should be past tense

as I look in your eyes------------------------------------------------again, the rest of the poem dictates this should be past tense

is this truly meant to be-------------------------------------------perhaps add the question mark since its a question and would signify the end of said query

but the same thought always come back to me-----------past tense needed

I love you--------------------------------------------------------------past tense needed

I adore you-----------------------------------------------------------past tense needed

from your delicate looks-----------------------------------------this doesn't link to the last line, add some sort of reference or add a line in between to transition your writing

how could I ever leave you------------------------------------this doesn't link to the previous line, so add a transition of a sort

you done things my own family don't do-------------------I'm not sure if it was purposeful but this isn't correct grammar. While poetry doesn't have rules, correct grammar is good to keep

this girls got me sprung------------------------------------------I suggest writing girl has

her spells not something I can shake----------------------spells should either have an apostrophe (') or it should be spell is

I'll never again fall for your tricks I think I even said--this is an okay sentence but "I think I even said" weakens it. I understand the need for a rhyme but I'm sure you'll be able to find another way to say it

our relationships not one that can be tamed-----------relationships should have an apostrophe or be written has relationship is

just make me one promise if we don't make it through-----I think this line would sound better with "in case" replacing "If"

Again, this was a pleasurable poem. While people always say, "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all," people also say they joined this site to get better, and you can't have both. So, standing by my reason, I decided to give you some criticism the kind of which I rather appreciate. Have at me if you disagree though, I'm up for the debate. Thank you much for the read request and happy writing, hope to see more from you soon. :)

Posted 11 Years Ago

my sanity is slowly slipping away------------------------------------and my sanity is slowly slipping away

whether you go or stay-----------------------------------------------make a new stanza after this line or use punctuation of a sort

but it's so hard to differentiate whats false and true------either add from in between differentiate and whats or end the line after differentiate

foolish to think you were mine alone----------------------------add the words "it was" at the beginning of the sentence

but everything with you becomes a bust-----------------------bit of awkward wording here

and I can't help the thought that lingers in my head-------more awkward wording

am I truly the one you love in bed-------------------------------according to the rest of your poem this should be past tense

as I look in your eyes------------------------------------------------again, the rest of the poem dictates this should be past tense

is this truly meant to be-------------------------------------------perhaps add the question mark since its a question and would signify the end of said query

but the same thought always come back to me-----------past tense needed

I love you--------------------------------------------------------------past tense needed

I adore you-----------------------------------------------------------past tense needed

from your delicate looks-----------------------------------------this doesn't link to the last line, add some sort of reference or add a line in between to transition your writing

how could I ever leave you------------------------------------this doesn't link to the previous line, so add a transition of a sort

you done things my own family don't do-------------------I'm not sure if it was purposeful but this isn't correct grammar. While poetry doesn't have rules, correct grammar is good to keep

this girls got me sprung------------------------------------------I suggest writing girl has

her spells not something I can shake----------------------spells should either have an apostrophe (')  or it should be spell is

I'll never again fall for your tricks I think I even said--this is an okay sentence but "I think I even said" weakens it. I understand the need for a rhyme but I'm sure you'll be able to find another way to say it

our relationships not one that can be tamed-----------relationships should have an apostrophe or be written has relationship is

just make me one promise if we don't make it through-----I think this line would sound better with "in case" replacing "If"

Again, this was a pleasurable poem. While people always say, "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all," people also say they joined this site to get better, and you can't have both. So, standing by my reason, I decided to give you some criticism the kind of which I rather appreciate. Have at me if you disagree though, I'm up for the debate. Thank you much for the read request and happy writing, hope to see more from you soon. :)

Rating /100

InsanityWriter

Very well done! :)

Posted 11 Years Ago

11 Years Ago

thank you I appreciate it :)

Blue Ivory

Wow I really really loved this! It's deep, dark, emotional... It's just simply amazing! I had a lot to say but now I'm kinda speechless lol. You had me at the first line. No flattery! Going to my library!