Time to Walk

He has been through the emotional grinder and is starting to emerge and meets someone he can not stop thinking about. He can not seem to find the inner strength to open up and take a risk again.

Seth looked up from his desk and realized he had fallen behind again. Susan tended to show up around 5 pm, and he needed to leave by 4:30 to run into her or at least walk by her smiling, which is all he seemed able to do.  

Seth started to feel anxious once again, a feeling he seemed unable to control. Just thinking about seeing her once more and being unable to say to her how much he wanted to know her, made his breathing rapid and shallow, and he felt his pulse pounding in his head. His stomach felt as if someone had punched him. “Why can I not find a way to let go of my nervousness around her,” he thought?

Susan tended to hang out at Koloa Landing on her work days arriving close to 5 pm and staying about 15 minutes or so. Getting out of his store and on the payment no later than 4:30 had become his foremost goal in life.  It was 3:30, and he needed to get things taken care to leave by 4:30. Lauren, the sweet young local girl, scheduled to work tonight had arrived, and he immediately started to go over the plan for the evening with her. Then quickly he counted the cash, made sure the gelato maker knew about the sizeable wholesale order received earlier, and got himself ready to walk. On the way out of the store, Lauren asked him something, Seth responded with a sharp, quick tone. He made a mental note to apologize to Lauren later, but he needed to walk now or risk missing her again.

He left his store, walked through the shopping center to the road fronting the entrance of the shopping center, crossed over and walked through the Orchid garden until he reached the road leading to Koloa Landing. Seth had started walking a year ago to get himself back on track. His focus was exercise initially, but as he spent more time walking, he noticed he started to feel stronger mentally. His walks became therapeutic for him, and Seth felt as if the fog had finally begun to clear. He learned by walking quickly, eye and head looking forward, like someone perpetually in a hurry, most people he passed by left him alone. He did not enjoy small talk and did not have much desire to share with anyone how he felt about life or anything else.

His regular route took him along the road next to the rock wall fronting the ocean. He watched the bodyboarders working the waves near the hotel at the break the locals call Sheraton. The surf was cranking with consistent swells and surf breaks with 3-4-foot faces. The trades had calmed down, and the waves were firing. Not seeing the ocean teaming with bodyboarders and surfers surprised him. It was getting close to 5 pm, and he noticed the sun was starting its slow drop into the western Pacific, promising another Kauai sunset. There were not many clouds and looking out towards the horizon he saw how bright it appeared. The ocean reacting to the change in light had a turquoise blue color nearer the shore and then turned into an intense deep blueish purple color as you looked out towards the horizon. “The colors of Kauai are so brilliant,” he was thinking. The blues of the ocean, the dark, craggy lava rocks exposed along the shoreline created a sense of a division between various elements of the island. Greens are everywhere, and there are so many shades of greens it is as if there is a separate color pallet for Kauai. He loved the look of the white puffy clouds floating across the sky carried along by the trade winds against the bright blue sky. As he walked, he passed flowers of all kinds of colors and sizes blooming in so many different places.  

Sunsets were magical on Kauai. He passed people sitting on the lava rock wall watching the surf, the bodyboarders, honus, and the light of the day beginning the transition from late afternoon to dusk and early evening. One of his favorite parts of the day. The rock wall had become a gathering place for locals and visitors alike to watch sunsets this time of year. The sun dropped into the horizon directly offshore from the rock wall road and around 5 pm nightly, the jockeying for the best place to sit or park began.

As he continued his walk, he noticed a couple of trucks parked in the last parking area facing the fishing spot always in use by locals. Music was playing, a vendors’ tent set up with chairs, coolers, and a couple of local girls laughing and drinking a beer. Standard afternoon on the south side. 

Living on Kauai had taught him much about enjoying simple moments and how those lucky enough to live here got to enjoy these every day. He developed a love for doing anything outside allowing himself to enjoy the beauty of the island. Living on Kauai had changed him in many ways including his appreciation for simple things. The soft fragrance of the air, the cool breezes, and the sun made everyone want to spend as much time outside as possible. He loved the island.

He walked towards Koloa Landing and the final little cut out of a parking lot. He wondered if she would be there again. He did not know her very well; they had a few brief conversations while at a beach and in his store. The night he had seen her dance remained etched in detail in his mind. Outside of those brief encounters, he knew very little about her. Despite this, he found her alluring and fascinating in a way he had not felt about anyone for years. He thought her very attractive and loved her face. Each time they faced each other, her beauty left him breathless.

These reactions to their brief interactions surprised him. He had surmised from their short conversations how strong Susan seemed, sure of herself yet also appearing vulnerable and guarded. A contradiction he found fascinating. He did consider his reaction to her physical beauty might be shaping his view of her, and she might not be who he had begun to fashion in his mind. To Seth, Susan’s allure extended beyond her physical beauty and she captivated him.  He wondered if it was his loneliness weighing on him more than he realized, causing him to exaggerate his interest in her.

As he walked, he remembered one conversation they had on the wall. They had talked about their kids and what he recalled most was how her eyes lit up as she spoke about one of her daughters and how she was such a good kid.  He found out she was a single mother of a bunch of kids. Each time he had seen her she had different kids with her. When he asked her how many kids she had, she laughed and said she had more than most. He smiled expecting her to explain what she meant but she did not.

He had not been able to stop thinking about their last conversation. “What are your talents,” Susan asked him. The question, so out of the blue and unexpected he had a hard time responding. “Um…well…. I make great gelato and chocolates, can cook, write a bit, done some community theater, and I hope my kids think I am a good dad”. He thought about the question often since. He wondered why the question caused him to feel defensive as if he needed to convince himself of his talents which surprised him as he reflected on his response.

The question provoked a level of introspection forcing him to think regarding his life and who he wanted to be and what he wanted his life to be.  He wondered if she had any idea how much her unexpected question had forced him to consider where his life had led, and more importantly, what he wanted his life to become.  

For the past three years, since his divorce finalized, he lived in a fog.  Initially, he had contained his emotions and sense of loss. One day, walking along the road leading to the Spouting Horn, the dam had burst. He felt as if sadness had pushed every other emotion from his soul. Love, light, and even laughter he no longer counted on or felt. Why had she betrayed him?

For weeks following, getting out of bed seemed as impossible as if he tried to flap his arms to fly. Work gave him focus and direction, but outside of work and his friends, a large void remained.  He felt it all the time, but the nights were insufferable to him. Sleeping along was difficult, and his mind swirled with thoughts of his ex and the breakup to the anger and pain from the betrayal and sadness he had never felt before.

At times he felt as if some whirling storm had trapped him, like those depicted in movies when the director wanted to create a sense of doom and danger.  Unlike the depiction of windy, stormy nights in film, the angst and anxiety he felt from this storm went well beyond any image he had ever seen on a movie screen and was unlike anything he knew or experienced in his life. `

The distress caused by his sense of loss, grief, and the insecurities he felt from seeing her move on so quickly swirled and pulsated throughout his body and soul. He had lost weight and stopped doing things he loved for a while. Not being able to reach over and touch someone provoked a sense of loss and pain continually. He did not expect the separation and then divorce to press upon his emotions so often. He wanted to meet someone and even fall in love again, but trusting someone else with his heart seemed hard to imagine. He knew it had only been three years and he had been with his wife for over 25. He needed time he told himself. Just be patient and wait. Love surely can come again and will; he tried to convince himself.

As time passed, he realized he had pushed her away. He had shut her out and become closed off to her. While not accepting the betrayal as his fault, as time passed he began to see his role in the demise of the marriage even though the acceptance did not come quickly to him. Seth knew she had tried to let him know of her unhappiness. He took her for granted, her love, her desires, all the things he knew she found with someone else. Seth knew it took two people to make a relationship work or not work and as time passed the idea of blame faded away for him. His thoughts shifted more towards what he needed and less towards what had happened. Seth wanted inspiration again in his life. He wanted pleasure to be at the core of who they were together and to spend the rest of his life making her happiness his first and last thought of each day.

The question she posed, had forced him to start to come to grips with the emotions and begin to think regarding the future. While hard for him to do he had welcomed the distraction her question had caused, and he began to view it regarding moving forward, one step at a time.

He first met her on one of his regular evening strolls. He noticed the group of laughing and smiling local women as he walked towards them. She was on the ocean side of the rock wall, using her arms to balance as she leaned into a small group of women.  She had long hair which framed her face perfectly, giant sunglasses, and a cap on backward, so the band ran across her forehead. She leaned over the top of the rock wall, both hands flat and her body forward. He noticed her smile, confident and warm and the way her hair hung down from under her cap, framing her face, he found incredibly sexy. He thought she looked so cool and hip and he realized he wanted to know her. As he approached them, he noticed one of the group had gotten down off the wall and stood to face him in the walkway. Walking into the sun as he approached, he only saw a silhouette looking towards him. It was not until he got within a few feet did he recognize the woman standing as a customer he knew. As he approached and noticed she smiled and moved towards him,  he removed his earbuds to say hello.

She greeted him with a hug, and they exchanged greetings and spent a few minutes catching up. He liked Alani and enjoyed their brief conversations over the counter at his store. She traveled, and they always discussed her most recent or next adventure. Like most interactions held in his shop, they both knew little about each other. Their interactions were not personal and beyond her love of travel and having five kids, he knew little else. She knew even less about him.

Since his marriage begun unraveling and started to fall apart, he had become adept at answering questions and discussing things without revealing anything personal. He knew living on a small island had advantages, but he also felt as if he heard too much about other people’s private lives. He knew things about people on the island he had no relationship with, so he wanted to try to avoid being in the same situation. 

The end of his marriage was ugly, and he had no desire to discuss it with anyone right now, especially those he did not know well. He and his wife were visible members of the south shore community, and when the divorce happened, everyone seemed interested in hearing the details. It did not help when it became apparent his wife had fallen for another man. He did not like he had become a sympathetic sort to many in the community. Even his kids did not know the full story and about his wife’s infidelity. He did not want to do anything to taint the relationship between his kids and his ex. He just wanted to move forward with his life and be happy again.  He wanted to be in love and joyful, although he did not see it happening to him for a long time. He was distraught, but each day he fought back and did what he always told others to do. Just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving even when the idea of having to move may be almost impossible to accept. 

After exchanging Aloha’s and catching up on Alani’s recent traveling, she introduced him to her friends. As he exchanged greetings with her friends and discussed the surf, he noticed her again. When he met Susan, he saw her smile, and it captivated him. As he talked to the group, he kept looking at her through his sunglasses. He knew she did not notice, but he could not take his eyes off her.  She had long dark hair and wore sunglasses, the kind with large lenses not round or square, but like a combination of both. She did not say much beyond her name and could tell by the conversations going on she was a single mom with more than a couple kids.  He needed to move on as he needed to meet up with a couple of his friends for dinner and drink. He said his goodbyes and smiled at Susan without realizing everyone, including Susan, noticed he shook her hand for a much longer time than any others.  He continued his walk and thought about her for the rest of his trek.

As he approached the gravel lot, he hoped she might be there tonight but quickly saw she had not turned up. He had slowly adjusted his walks, so he tended to arrive near Koloa Landing at the same time each day hoping to catch her. He had learned she liked to come after work to decompress and relax before getting home and becoming Ms. Mom. He had started referring to her in different ways. Sometimes he thought of her as Ms. Sexy, Ms. Good, Ms. Outstanding Mom, Ms. Fire Dancer, Ms. WOW, Ms. Role Model, and even Ms. May be out of my league. He wanted to get to know her better and had some chances to try to move the notion forward, but his insecurities and general unease about putting himself out there again created an obstacle he had not been able to overcome.  It had been years since he had been in this situation so although he remained confident in himself overall, in matters of the opposite sex he had not regained his footing.

He became aware his pace had slowed a bit, especially as he had initially approached Susan’s bay, which is what he now called Koloa Landing. As he approached Susan’s bay earlier, he continued to reduce his pace hoping she might show up. He had said hello to her a couple of times in the past week or so but kept walking as he did. He had no idea if she knew he had, what one might call a teenage crush on her or not. The times he did say hello to her his nerves got the best of him and he just continued to walk not giving himself, or her for that matter, a chance to go beyond the hello. Both times as he continued his walk, away from her, he had conversations with himself about how much of an idiot he is. Grow a pair he kept saying to himself. Disappointed he did not see her, he resumed his walk hoping to see her again soon.

He did not understand, although he had discussed with his shrink, how much the loss of his wife to another man had broken his confidence. His shrink assured him it was normal for men to have their self-confidence and ego whacked, as she put it, in a circumstance like his. He found it so strange on the one hand he could feel so good about himself and who he had become. How he handled the breakup and did not let it turn him bitter or angry, yet feel like he had not been able to satisfy his wife enough to keep her interested and wondered if he could do so for any woman.

As he walked, he found himself thinking about Susan more and more.  He came close to asking her to dinner the night he ran into her at Poipu Beach. He had come down to meet up with a group of friends having a sunset celebration with some wine and pupus. While sitting and enjoying his wine, he noticed she was on the beach with a group of local families. They were talking loudly, laughing, and the kids were running in and out of the surf. She had been sitting on a beach chair looking out towards the horizon, so he did not notice her right away. He thought about approaching her, but the thought created too much anxiety for him. At one point he stood up intending to walk over, but he found himself unable to get his legs to move in a direction towards her. While dealing with this dilemma of his making, one of his friends came over and told him everyone was leaving. They needed to get back to watch an episode of some addicting British drama. He declined their invitation to join them and decided to hang on the beach alone.

He got up and exchanged hugs with everyone. One of the women he said goodbye to put both hands on his shoulder and told him he needed a woman. She told him it was time to get back into the game. He smiled and thanked her for her concern but assured her he was okay.

After they all left, he sat back down observing the group. As the light of the day started to turn into night, he noticed a young boy had picked up a bag, reached into and pulled out something. Seth had seen this boy following around one of the girls in the group and watching the dynamic occur brought back his memories of his clumsy attempts to win over Karla in 10^th grade. After a few minutes, he realized the boy was planning a Fire Poi Ball performance. He had seen this done a few times before and loved the spectacle. The tethered balls lit, and the dancer is swinging the balls through a variety of rhythmical and geometric patterns. One time the dancer sang as the fireballs moved through the air. He loved it.

He watched as the boy started the process of swinging the balls. Quickly It became apparent he needed lots more practice. He could not get the balls flying in distinct patterns and several times restarted as he could not get the right combination of speed and control to keep the dance going. He noticed the girl the boy desired lost interest in the dance and had stopped paying attention. The boy saw too and finished the dance and started to put the fire out when Susan stopped him. She walked over and grabbed it from him and quickly began to swing the balls. Effortlessly it appeared she had gotten the balls moving all around her, over her neck, under her arms, around her, back and forth. Her friends were screaming encouragements and yelling and laughing. He noticed the boy watching and appearing dejected.  

Looking away from the boy and back towards Susan, again he found himself captivated. Her moments appeared effortlessly and sexy to him. He had not noticed her height before. Standing around 5 feet tall. He thought she seemed taller to him when she was leaning up against the rock wall. She had curves, and although she wore a loose fitting dark shoulderless top and long baggy fit pants, she had a shape he liked very much. She was not thin nor heavy. She had a stomach, but it was not unflattering, and even though dark he could see her smile. He liked her even more now. She did not notice him, or if she did, she did not make any effort to say hello. After she finished the dance, she walked close by him as she walked to the woman’s bathroom. Darkness had set in, so she did not notice him watching her as she moved. He wanted to say something to her but did not. He left the beach and went home alone and lonely. Each day his loneliness weighed on him more than the day before, and he missed the idea of someone waiting for him to return.

His usual walking route began and ended in his shopping center in a circular path, so he never retraced his route. He preferred it as he felt not repeating any of the roads made the walks more interesting to him. Today he decided instead of bypassing Koloa Landing on his way back, to loop again just in case she had been running late.

As he turned onto the road leading back to Susan’s bay, he noticed her vehicle.  His felt his chest tighten and his heart and breathing racing. His stomach instantly felt like a butterfly party had started. He laughed out loud at himself and thought how anxious and jittery just seeing her car made him feel. She is only a woman he thought, you know nothing about her really, and she might be cruel, mean, or even vicious.  There she stood as he approached the gravel parking lot above the cove smiling and waving at him. No turning back now he thought, and he noticed himself feeling even more apprehensive. She is just a woman, only a woman he repeated to himself, and he smiled as he approached her.

“Hi Seth,” she said smiling.

“Aloha Susan,” he said.

“You walk every day?” Susan asked, and he noticed she seemed to be intently checking him out.

Sean had no idea she knew he walked every day and had started to change her schedule slightly to allow herself a bit more time on the wall before heading home.

“Yes, well almost every day. I try to get out at least five days a week, and when work is not going well, I try to get out more.”

There was a pause for a few seconds as they both noticed the paddlers moving across the top of the bay towards Poipu Beach. They seemed to be struggling with the surf a bit, and he saw the guy in seat five reaching towards the arm attaching the canoe to the outrigger float or ama trying to make sure the ama stayed low in the water and prevented a flip. They watched together as the crew battled the surf and continued paddling away from Susan’s Bay. From his days paddling he knew right away the team had not been in sync. He heard her say “centipede,” meaning the strokes of the paddlers were out of sync. The erratic paddling caused a sway in the direction of the canoe, and the front of the canoe started to drift sideways to the right while the back moved towards the left. When the paddlers are in sync, the canoe moves straight through the swells, the direction determined and adjusted by the steersperson in seat 6.  If the paddling is not in sync, the crew loses control of the canoe and are susceptible to problems and in a race situation, loss of time and position. Seth noticed a swell hit at just the right time to cause the ama to start to rise causing the possibility of flip. The guy in seat five had been too slow to react. Susan said “huli” as the canoe flipped over.  Huli’s happen, and part of a crews training is what to do to flip it back over and get back in quickly especially when racing. Both knew there was no danger and saw the beginning of the process to flip it back over. A couple of tourist standing close asked if anyone needed to call 911. Susan replied, “No, I know these guys, and they are fine.” The tourist still appeared concerned, Seth explained the training and how often it can happen. Before he finished his explanation, the crew had flipped the canoe over, and two of them had gotten back in and started to help the others. 

“Hawaii style drama!” he said smiling.” He pointed at the canoes stored at the bottom of the small parking lot facing the ocean below where they were standing. “I used to paddle with those guys.” he sounded wistful, and she noticed he appeared emotional suddenly and wondered why.

Seeing him in what appeared to be a bit of pain, Susan said: “Why did you stop paddling with them?” She looked at him and noticed he looked only at out the ocean. He started to reply then hesitated and continued to look away.

He thought about all the things he stopped doing since his marriage ended.

He turned towards her looking lost in his thoughts.

“To paddle, your club has to depend on you. Show up for each practice, learn the technique, work with the team. Practice three times a week and then race weekly during the season. I loved it every part of it. The camaraderie of the team, everyone working together to make the canoe race as fast as possible. Riding so low to the water line and feeling each swell pass under the canoe. The beauty of the island from the ocean and the breezes blowing in your face. The way I felt drained at the end of practice but also full of energy and motivated. I loved it. When my marriage started to hit the rocks, I found myself unable to do much more than getting through each day. I just did not have the oomph I needed to show up every practice, so I gave up my seat.” She noticed he shook his head some as he thought about what he was saying.

“That sucks!” she said smiling and reaching out to touch his back.

He felt her hand on his left shoulder, and it felt kind to him. He missed the touch of a woman and as he felt her hand on his shoulder, realized it had been a long time since a woman had touched him, especially the way she caressed him.

Susan felt a connection to him and his apparent distress. “Look, I have a bottle of wine and two cups and could use a drink. How about sharing it with me and watching the sunset. Looks like a possible green flash day!”

It never dawned on him to wonder why she had two glasses with her when she arrived from work by herself. They walked over and climbed onto the wall sitting about a foot apart. She sat first, and he chose to join her but not right next to her, as he did not want to appear overly interested. She noticed and wanted to be closer. Just then as she poured wine into the two cups, a gust of wind blew the napkins she had grabbed off her lap and onto some of the rocks below them. Before he had a chance to say anything, she jumped off the wall and moved from rock to rock to grab the napkins before they blew too far away. He watched her jump down to the rocks where the napkins had landed quickly. She caught them and turned back towards him and smiled. For a few seconds, they both looked at each other smiling. No words exchanged. He looked at her and felt his heart and stomach churning. “You are beautiful,” he said. She smiled and started to climb back up.

When she got back onto the wall, this time she sat within inches of him. Close enough he felt the heat in his right leg and moved it slightly towards her leg. When he realized she did not shift her leg away from his, he had to breathe slowly to calm himself down. Not saying a word, he guzzled his glass of wine.

Somehow, he found the inner strength to say, “Listen, I have not done this in a long time. I have been thinking about you ever since the day I first ran into, well walked into you and your friends. Your smile almost made my knees buckle. Then a few weeks ago, I saw you do a Fire Poi Ball dance on Poipu Beach, and you were so beautiful and graceful. I watched you and found myself drawn to you. You have such a beautiful smile and while you were dancing the light from the balls highlighted your smile and your eyes. I have not felt this way for a while, and I cannot remember the last time anyone moved me as you did then. I cannot get your smile out of my mind. Can I take you to dinner?”

Susan already liked Seth and found his words comforting in a way she had not expected. Overwhelmed and surprised by his honesty and straightforwardness she smiled and moved her hand from his shoulder to his cheeks and gently touched him.” Seth had no idea she had been asking around about him and had found out about his marriage, his business, and how well respected and liked he is. Susan found him attractive and had noticed him the night at Poipu Beach. Susan had not been with anyone for too long. She had opportunities but knew most of the men in her circle of friends who hit on her were either married or not worth her time. Between her kids, work, volunteer work, and her friends, Susan tried to convince herself she had no time to meet anyone and bring them into her life. Her kids said to her all the time she did not need anyone because she had them. Susan did need someone though and was tired of having to get through each day, which was not easy for her, on her own. She did not need anyone in her life but ached for someone to be there, to touch her, hold her, listen to her talk about the problems she dealt with every day. She just wanted someone to be hers. Not to save her, or change her life, or make things more comfortable, but someone to just be there and have her back. Sexually she needed touch and passion.

She replied to his question. “Yes, I like the idea of having an adult conversation with a handsome man.”

All he heard was a handsome man.

He smiled and asked for her phone number. “When are you free?”

“Tonight, now.”

“Well, I need to shower and clean up. How about we meet at the Thai place in Poipu in 30 minutes?”

“Yes. Thai sounds great. See you there!”

For a moment or two, they both stood looking at each other smiling. Seth reached out and touched her hair on the right side of her face, gently. An instinctive reaction to the warmth and joy he felt. He looked into her sunglasses, smiling “You are beautiful Susan.” She smiled and touched his hand.

“I guess I need to go or we may never eat!”

 

 

 

Author's Note

This is my first attempt at writing a story I have shared. I am a new writer and what I was trying to do with this story is to work on my ability to show emotions and to work on descriptive writing.

Reviews

[SRMarx]

First, I recommend fixing your format so you have breaks between paragraphs. I know it seems insignificant, but format really affects the flow of a piece. I think you do a good job with your descriptions and showing the emotions of the characters.