SOFT BREEZES AND LOST KEYS

My thoughts after i was fixed.

 

soft breezes and lost keys.......                    

you surprised me. you really did. i did not expect to leave feeling the way i did. i was sooo certain. this was it.

i had no idea.

and if that was all i took to make me feel alive again then damn you for not paying attention sooner. one look. just one. you knew it. i knew it……

i expected to feel better after i told you the news. i thought that keeping it inside was the cause of my anxiety.

so i told you….it sucked….i still felt like s**t.

then i loose my keys. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? SERIOUSLY? REALLY? really? is this really happening to me right now? am i really getting stranded right here…right now?..there’s that breeze again. a cool breeze out of no where on a hot, still nightohhhhh…maybe you should pay attention katy-did.

okay okay mim … @%^&#$… i’ll sit here. fine. but i will not like it or be happy about it.

and you…so charming from the very beginning.

do you have the keys? is this a set up? did you stick me here with you because you know too? like she does? who’s side is she on anyway?

the longer i sit. the more i keep telling you i don’t want to talk about it. the sicker i feel. the tighter my chest becomes. my heart is pounding.

can’t be -

what i said was supposed to fix all this.

this is the fastest downward spiral i’ve ever been on. i’m dizzy with fear and what ifs. **just wait it out. this is normal. you’ve felt it before. don’t let it keep you here this time**

i want to scream. everything i’m doing feels wrong. and there you are. smiling at me. making jokes. with this look of compassion on your face that i swear - i have never seen.

WHY NOW?

i have to run you over with the truck a few times before you pay attention to the horn? GAH!

and i break. the tears. oh the tears. they just don’t stop. but, the more i cry…the slower my heart rate becomes. the more i take those little crying gasps of air - the easier it is to breath.

it can be fixed. just talk. just listen. let me hold you for a minute.

***no*********yes*******i guess***fine………………..

where did all your infinite wisdom come from all of a sudden? i swear she’s talking through you right now. you sound just like her. this is exactly what she would’ve said.

not the old problems. not so black and white. not so sure how to handle normal because we never were. don’t give up now when you’ve almost got it all figured out. jesus. if you made it through the other stuff - this is a cake walk. just breath. i know you katy….

but…you said you didn’t care what was inside my head. and it is your job - you have to care. you vowed to care. how could you say that?

the look on your face when i reminded you of that - it all came together for you right then and there. you suddenly knew what i’ve known for a while…

yes…you are an idiot. pay attention. i shouldn’t have to spell it out for you.

 F-E-E-D-M-Y-S-O-U-L

i need you to be my partner. not one more person to take care of.

you get it.

did it hurt when i hit you over the head with the club you’re dragging around behind you?

and then home. bed. so tired. and i hear “i love you daddy” and the world is suddenly right again.

that all went so fast.but for 48 hours-time stopped.

i close me eyes. i can finally sleep.

the breeze…again.

thanks for walking with me today…