PROJECT; verb

my thoughts during a visit with my mother

 

PROJECT; verb you teach other people about the; what is it you're into these days? - the "divine feminine" i think - you've been traveling around the world spreading the news of the "blessed mother" to every weak, lost person who will listen... "there is so much power in women working together" you say- yet...not in africa, greece, progue, the amazon, hawaii or arizona have you found a way to connect with your daughters. i find that a bit......... hmmm...i'm not sure. infuriating -  comical typical - strange     no - i'm not projecting. PROJECT; verb; something i apparently do that allows my mother to take no responsibility for anything she does. i don't even know what to do with you anymore. i can not have a normal relationship with you. i have come to terms with that. apparently - i can't have an abnormal relationship with you either. i'm trying to let you be you the only way i know how. i try to make light of the situation. try to sarcastically joke about it so that i don't scream at you for it. and suddenly i have issues about a bill at a restaurant that i am now projecting onto you.  REALLY. Really? I have issues......yeah....i can see that...suuure. you are so self involved it makes me sick, everything has to be about you and the way it affects you. how the waitress, the cook, the poor sick baby in the hospital and his mother whom you've just told her son is dying, and me trying to make sense of your crazy spiral of drama so that no one in the family freaks out - how WE all AFFECT....YOU. how can you possibly teach all these classes on being authentic and staying in your f*****g (hoop?) - i hate the hoop - and being in conscious relationships??? YOU ARE NOT EVEN DOING THOSE THINGS YOURSELF YOU CRAZY EFFING B***H! seriously. i would feel so much better if i could just grab you and shake you and scream that in your face! but you wouldn't get it. if i tell you how i feel about anything...ANYTHING you do...i must be harboring some deep seated resentment for the fact that you left me as a child.. yes, that's right. my whole life you've only done ONE thing to piss me off and that's where every bit of my anger comes from. riiiiiiiiight. jesus - looking back at it now - i'm glad you left.  i wouldn't trade those years with my dad for the world. i don't even know why i'm writing. i usually blog to get it out. to find some sort of resolution about how i feel. there is no resolution here. i am angrier now than i was when i started typing... %^&@%&^^%$Q^$^Q*&$&Q$^^&*%!@$@&*)^$@&)^$@(^ the only way i can not go in the other room right now and hand you a copy of this is by coming to the realization that you truly are mentally ill. you have some sort of personality disorder and you'll never get better. you and the people in "your circle" of freaks feed it continually. you are an addict. you are addicted to making yourself a victimized outsider in a family that has tried to accept you for who you are over and over again. but every time we do - you change! it's something new every time...you twist things to work your way and you're constantly............ i can't even write about it. it's too much. we all know. that's what saves me i guess. i can call them and vent. there's no way you could explain it to someone outside the family. if i sat in a shrink's office and they asked me to talk about you - i don't even know where i would start.  my friend finds out that you are coming for a visit and sees the look on my face and asks me what's wrong with my mother visiting and i stand there with my mouth open, starting to speak, with my mind going over a million things - but nothing comes out.              you are        incomprehensible           unexplainable this didn't help me at all and you're going to be with me all day......good luck.