Alone

Please hear me, I beg you, notice my soul,

listen for words which hang unspoken.

Watch with your mind, make me your goal,

and try to leave my life unbroken.

Take me wherever your mere whim decides,

touch me and help me be whole.

I can no longer bear this fine web of lies

which restricts my worshipful role.

In fineness of feeling, in clearness of sight,

you cannot by me become faulted.

In reading the feelings brought on with your light,

your fine-eyed perception is halted.

To you I'm a mystery of which you think not,

a perimeter satellite only.

I dwell all the time on the love I've not got

and resolve to be forever lonely.

 

 

Committed to life entrapped in despair,

I try every day to enjoy it.

But I need very much to know that you care

and that into your life I could fit.

Brittle and twisted such lovelessness leaves me,

sadness and misery follow.

I wish for a time when my life could be easy

and my heart may be full and not hollow.

Ravaged along by desires harsh course,

love unrequited twists deeply.

I watch from a distance weighed down by remorse,

aware that my feelings come cheaply.

Never will you turn to me with that look

in your eyes which declares your devotion.

I wish you could know just how much you took

when you failed to perceive my emotion.

Reviews

[Scott S]

This is a very cutting piece, it rings clear of a woman longing to be loved and noticed...to be made whole by the special someone that she so adores. I thought the flow was good...my only comment is the line near the end of the first paragraph, "I dwell all the time on the love I've not got" Perhaps a different choice of words might flow not so rough......But overall, Kat....a nice work and I enjoyed it.....Welcome to the Cafe!

[The Purple Kazoo]

i like this poem. your rhythm is tight and rhyme is good. the emotion is obvious too, although the last couplet seems a bit less emotional than the rest of the poem, almost like a tacked-on ending. that could just be me, though.
*kazoo player*
ps. thanks for the review of "got your back"!

[Anwesh]

Hmm.. the idea of the poem is ok... again a depressing kinda but still airight..
There is good flow in the poem.. and the words used are good enough..

But the problem is... it seems that ur four liner approach to the poem doesn't fit in..

Like this :-

"To you I'm a mystery of which you think not,
a perimeter satellite only.
Idwell all the time on the love I've not got
and resolve to be forever lonely.

The rhyming sequence is good.. but it seems a bit forced.. like u are using words so that they are easier to rhyme..

Remember, a poem needn't always be rhyming ok..

Still, a good job..

Keep it up..

Keep smiling :)

P.S. - Thanks for my reviewing my work!

[Laura Nikkinen]

Thanks for the review, helped me out, and yep... I haven't bothered working on it now, I see the parts, which have the issue you mentioned too. Writing became a pain in the butt, I don't know why, just something to snap out of I suppose.