Rock Bottom

I'm not sure why I am writing this.

It's 3:23am, I can barely keep my eyelids open,

My thoughts are jumbled up, 

They're messy and cluttered in this head of mine.

Well, then here are said thoughts...

I just ate four slices of a decadent pizza,

Why would you do that?

You know you shouldn't have.

Where did all of your willpower go?

You're weak, you're disgusting.

You will regret it in the end.

To ruin two weeks of hard work,

To continue making new scars.

You worked so hard, you were doing pretty damn good.

You were struggling, you can't breathe.

You want to do it so bad because

All of your anxiety it balled up in you right now.

Because you haven't found a new way to let it out.

Its right there you know...

Walk a couple steps, put it in your hand.

But, you don't.

Why?

You're crying because you want to so bad, but you can't because you made a promise.

You go back into your bed,

Under the blankets,

Think to yourself about all these bad things you've done.

All you can do is cry.

Missed calls, a few texts.

I'm really sorry, but I can't right now.

I know I should.

But, what good would it do?

All the sniffles, the hiccups, the stream of tears.

No one wants to listen to that. 

Why do you do this to yourself? 

You haven't slept.

You're going to crash one of these days,

It's going to be bad, and you won't be able to fix it.

The tiredness, the sadness, the guilt, the anxiety, the confusion.

The "I'm sorrys" that will never suffice.

I'm at rock bottom,

I'm writing this because I have no idea how to deal with this.

No one has answered my sad excuses for silent pleas of help.

I'm trying really hard.

I'm not doing anything stupid tonight.

But, I really am having some difficulty.

I'm numb, I can't. 

I just want to be done.

This is rock bottom.

I have never felt so low.

The flashbacks have found their place into my sleep.

The guilt, the fear, the pain.

I don't know what to do.

But, this is rock bottom,

It can't get worse right?

If this is rock bottom,

I am supposed to change, build myself up,

Be better.

But, can I make it through the rocks first?

Author's Note

Sorry for any mistakes, it actually is 3 in the morning.