October 15, 2012

Impossibly possible.

SMIF:

I noticed tonight, after having had a long discussion with my Catholic landlord and a short discussion with my Mormon missionaries (I've got three of them; they usually come in pairs, but for some reason I've got a trio- perhaps they thought it would take extra man power to save my soul?), that I have stopped writing to you pretty much at the same time I stopped talking/praying to God.

Do I still believe in God? Of course I do. I think.

Do I still believe in you? Of course I do. I think.

What do you think?

I miss you both. At least God still checks up on me once in a while (ask me about the eggs, if you will) but you are silent as usual. As expected. As feared.

The good news is that I no longer feel so abandoned by you. I've come to the conclusion that I simply do not deserve you. The joy and comfort and peace and connection I felt when you were in my life (in any capacity) should be reserved for one more worthy than I.

My figurative heart is so broken I cannot imagine it being able to break further. So things should start looking up for me. I honestly cannot imagine anything being worse than how it is now so the only way to go is up. Or toward the light, but the light has not shown itself to me yet.

Ambiguously Yours,

K

PS: It's 4:16AM. I rolled over in bed earlier and was met with the never before experienced sensation of almond cookies crumbling against my butt. It took some time to clean up and now my mind has fantastically overwhelmed my exhaustion. Another sleepless night for me.