September 9, 2012

Long distance connections and non-familial family.

SMIF:

My mother's birthday was today. I spent the weekend with her. It made me really sad. I feel like my entire family is against me. I want to say I'm close with my family. I love them very much. Sometimes I feel like we live in different worlds, though. I'm so confused right now. Confused and stressed and distraught. My family thinks that I should just let the dads take their kids and then live my life. Go back to school. Get a job. Find myself again. I don't know what I am when I'm not a mother. My psyche is still reeling from the jarring departure of you. I think if I lost custody of all my children, I would simply cease to exist. What am I? A mother. A sister. A daughter. A granddaughter. A niece. What am I when not in relation to someone else? I'm pathetic. I'm not entirely sure if I could feel complete without your presence in my life in some capacity. When talking to you, when near you... I feel like a person instead of some other person's something/someone.

Two Christmases ago, I went to Georgia to meet Mitchell's family. I met his cousin's boyfriend there. They've since broken up. We've connected really well since Mitchell's cousin left him for some other boy and Mitchell left me for some other girl and both of us still love our respective exes. He feels more like family to me than any of my family right now. Like an older brother. Except he's younger than me. How does that even work!?

Some philosophical folks once posed a question ... if God would exist if nobody believed in Him. If a tree falls and no one hears it, does it make a sound? If nobody believes in me, do I exist? I'm questioning my me-ness.

I rarely give in to peer pressure, but I'm truly considering just giving up custody of my children at this point. Maybe everyone is right and I'm a terrible mother and my children would be much better off without me even if they aren't as happy.

I feel so lost without you. You understood me better than anyone else in my entire life ever has. I need you like I need air. Like I need food and water and warmth. I need you like I need an identity.

I need your opinion.

I'm sitting in bed, unable to sleep, listening to the steady breathing of the two children I have left, knowing that in X amount of time, I'll have to hand them over to Mitchell to undergo a psychiatric evaluation. And I wish I could be in your arms. I wish you could come hold me and talk to me until the chaos in my mind makes enough sense to let me sleep. I know you could do that. You're my soul mate. You're the only one.

Aimlessly Yours:

K

PS: I'd even get dressed if you'd prefer, if it'd make you more comfortable being around me. I'd give the rest of my sanity to hear your voice again.

PPS: The CAPTCHA below says "blabber" hah