August 22, 2012

Beautifully disastrous..

Greetings...

I have been sorta depressed lately. I miss having your voice in my head. My life is sort of a nightmare lately. I stopped smoking but then I started again but to make my housemate stop coming by my room, I've stopped again. Erk. Without context, I suppose that makes little to no sense. Actually the fact that I write you letters also makes little to no sense. When have I ever been non-nonsensical, though?

So Vista said something that made me feel bad two nights ago. I posted a Facebook status saying that I felt bad. I did not mention him at all. And it was filtered so that only my close friends can see it. He made a big stink about my violating his privacy and not respecting his wishes. He blocked me on Facebook. I was disappointed to have lost him as a friend. Bought a pack of cigarettes. (Which I actually quit because I met his mother, who smokes like a chimney, and realized I didn't want to be 50 years old, hiding in my bedroom, watching TV and smoking in my bed like her)

He said I was purposely sabotaging our friendship. I pointed out that he's the one who decided to kiss me despite all that I have explained about not wanting to become physically, romantically, or emotionally involved with anyone. Not to mention, when I tried to tell him to stop doing the kissing, he'd told me to shut up and kissed me again. I think that's when I stopped wanting to be his friend subconsciously. Maybe I was trying to sabotage the friendship. But he started it. He lost my trust. I probably did not want to be friends with him anymore. Honestly, nobody can even hold a candle to you. I don't know why I even try making friends.

Anyhow, after blocking me on Facebook, he then kept texting me on my phone. I replied to everything he said. And then he threatened to call the police and report me for harassment if I didn't stop texting him. At which point, I actually laughed out loud and woke Charlie up, then replied to him that he can't report me for harassment if I'm only replying to his messages. Then I told him to stop text messaging me or I will call the police and report him for harassment. Then I told him "Oh wait, no I won't. Because I am not a drama queen. ^^"

I was sort of disappointed that he did not want to be my friend anymore. (Also that he called me a cold hearted b***h who is incapable of love and has no idea what love is) But mostly I was relieved. I no longer had to deal with being friends with someone I'd have to worry about trying to kiss me when I don't want him kissing me.

My housemate tried to kiss me, too. Although, I was able to talk HIM out of it. I'm trying real hard to avoid him while living with him in the room next door. He brings his girlfriend over a lot more now because I convinced him to stop kissing me by reminding him about how much his girlfriend loves him.

However, when she's not here, he keeps coming and knocking on my door asking for cigarettes... so tonight, after the third time he knocked, I gave him my pack of cigarettes. I didn't think to take some out for myself. I just gave it all to him. I don't know what he's thinking. 

Oh, I finally deleted my okc account. I've given up on finding friends. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and everyone else is woefully lacking. I even told okc that I "found someone on okc" and commented that "I found my soul mate slash imaginary friend on here! Thanks! He's so perfect and I'll love him forever."

And then tonight, Vista added me as a friend on Facebook again. I only thought about it for around 5 seconds before accepting his friend request. I think that it has nothing to do with my wanting to be friends with him again and more about hoping you will eventually be my friend again. I'm projecting.

I cried the other night simply from missing you. I couldn't sleep. So my heart ached for those late nights texting and/or talking to you. Falling in love with you without knowing it. Hah.

I thought about it some more and I've decided that I don't regret never kissing you (or more). Before, I was thinking that maybe it would have given you a reason to stay. But now, I believe that it's better this way. If you ever do end up with me, I know it's not because I'm a fantastic kisser (or great in bed)? Hahaha.

I hope you are happy. And that you've found some sweet gal to love who doesn't argue with you as much as I do. Whatever pain I am suffering now would be absolutely worth it if I could only know you are happy. At least one of us should be happy. I hope you are SO happy that you wouldn't even have time to think about me. =)

Still Yours:

K

PS: It's unfair that I think about you every single night and I cannot even ever cross your mind once in a while since you no longer exist.