August 06, 2012

PS: I love you.

My Beloved SMIF:

Today I changed my status to say I am married to my friend Shawn, in order to change my Facebook ads. He is taking this opportunity to convince his friends and family that he has purchased a mail order bride from China (that's me). I mention this because my name is in Chinese right now and if you wanted to find me on Facebook, you may not be able to.

I feel like I should have kissed you goodbye. Given you something to miss so you wouldn't have left. Given you something worth staying for.

It's a possibility that I may be in love with you simply because you do not actually exist, you know. Since I do want to stay single. Perhaps giving my heart to a non-entity is the easiest way to ensure my heart is not given to someone else who may hurt it or break it or boil it or toss it into the sea. Or touch it.

Each time I say "I love you" to anyone, I hear your voice in my head. That last phone call, when I told you I love you, you replied "I love you, too" and I know you've said it twice before (yes, I counted) but for some reason, the most recent time echoes through my head. At times, I hear you say "I love you, too" in my head with no instigation. Your voice... I've always loved your voice. Every time I hear it in my head it still makes me smile or cry, depending on how much sleep I'd gotten the previous night. Whenever I express love to anyone, I hear you loving me back. I cherish those four simple words to an unreasonably obsessive extent. I am haunted by the ghost of my imaginary friend because you refused to say Goodbye to me over the phone. You insisted on severing our friendship through a text message. I will not forgive you easily for that.

This letter is running a bit long. I'm tired. I have no car right now and my children have cabin fever. No money to buy a car. I miss you most when I do not wish to think about my life. Since you're my soul mate, you helped me to focus on who/what I am rather than where/how I am. I ramble because I miss you so much I physically feel pain and sleep is having trouble finding me. Or the pain could be from my car accident, but I wasn't going terribly fast.

My friend who has a crush on me, let's call him Vista, pointed out to me that every single committed relationship that I have ever entered was due to a sense of duty or obligation. He insinuates that I am still opposed to commitment because I have never been with somebody just for the sake of being with them. I've never been in love with someone for me, I fall in love with people for the other person.

It made me realize that you are the first (and only) person that I have ever genuinely wanted to be with for no other reason than to just be with you. Completely selfishly all because of me and for me. Whatever may be behind my reasoning for loving you, my desire for you is genuine. I truly want to be with someone, for the first time in my life, for no other reason except that I want to be with you. I rarely ever get what I want.

Of course it's just my luck that when I finally find true love, it's loving somebody who isn't at all present in my life. Ergo, I have come to the conclusion that TRUE LOVE does not exist. =)

Enlightened and Yours,

K

PS: Read the description for this letter.