Entry 1: 12/18/13 6:23 PM

Hey,

Thats how you're supposed to start off a journal right? Or should I be like every other girl and be like

Dear Diary, 

Scratch that..

I think I'll go with Hey. Thats more me.. So..

Hey.

God why am I so awkward even in my own journal.. What am I even supposed to write in here? The only reason why I'm doing this is to get better for him..

Him..
Him. Him is dreamy. Him is perfect. Him is my everything..
Him..

Well sense were probably gonna be great friends I should tell you about myself and probably shouldn't asume you know everything about me so I'll go ahead and introduce myself.

My names Alexandria. I'm 16, a 10th grader in highschool and I'm depressed, but who isn't now in days? I live in the boring state of Michigan in a house with y single mum and her boyfriend. I have four other sibilings, one sister and three brothers and well yeah.. I'm not that interesting just depressed and honestly I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I've been really sad lately, so sad that last week on Monday I attempted suicide by downing a bottle of pills but of course Him stopped me and thats why I'm currently here writing this. Its all for Him but you know its not like he'd care anyways.

I'lll do the courtesy of telling you what happened on Monday so you aren't confused as f**k.

Monday was an okay day until Math came along, I had given my virginity away the day before and the guy basically straight out told me I wasannoying and me, being over dramatic me as usual freaked out and cried so the school fit me as "unstable" and sent me home
My mum made the mistake of leaving me home alone and I snapped. My ex of like a month found out I wasn't a virgin anymore and he spammed me with messages saying things like "you're a w***e" and "f**k you" and him knowing my past and everything that really hurt. It was like daggers flying into my heart and I couldn't handle it. So I called the only person I could trust, which was Him. No, not my crazy mentally abusive Ex,  I mean Him, the guy I'm in love with.

I met Him probably a week before from Justin. Him is a new kid from a couple towns over and hes super dreamy. He's tall with shoulder length brown hair. He has this small little indent in his nose and I'm just.. I'm head over heels for him. and I wish he knew that. Acutally, he does know that but I fucked up badly with him and frankly he doesn't trust me anymore. 

You see later that night after getting tons and tons of those messages on my Facebook, Xbox, Phone, and Kik AND having my ex posting on my Facebook that I fucked a guy, I called Him and I told him everything. I told him that I lost my virginity I told him I fucked up I told him what my ex was doing and he calmed me down

Up until the point he told me he liked someone else

and so I broke.

He said something like "I'm sorry I didn't want to break your little heart" and I just.. I couldn't form words with my mouth it hurt so much. I somehow managed to string out the words "I have to go" before I hung up and fell down to the floor crying just like those scenes in the movies. I texted him that I broke. That I couldn't live anymore and I walked down to my room and took all my medications, but then he said I still had a chance and I called the ambulance,

thing is that was just a lie to get me to live

and now I'm here and I don't know what to do.

I'm just stuck here writing and thinking of his stupid face in hopes he might text me saying something magical like
"Hey I like you want to make out"
or
"date me"
Okay maybe not in those exact words but you get what I mean.

Ugh life sucks

Okay I think I migh just write in this tomorrow so..

Ciao, 
Ali