Midnight Shift

I’m running hard on these wooden boards below my feet. I can feel people staring, thinking to themselves “what is she doing?”

    Each stride I make I feel the 10 degree air burn my lungs. It’s March, there is still snow on the ground and ice in the water. These boards are harder to run on than I thought, probably because their is thin layers of ice everywhere.

I stop running, I catch my breath to talk so I don’t seem too crazy. A bunch of people are standing outside of the Jardins Des Governess. Tourist I take it, but it’s worth it to stop and ask.

A girl is taking a picture. I must of got in it, because she moves the camera away from her eye to motion for me to get out of the way.

“Excuse me, have any of you seen a young boy about 7?” I say handing them a picture of Tanner I had just taken a few weeks ago.

“Yeah, I think we seen him about about a half hour ago. He was at the other end of the boardwalk trying to catch a bird.” the girl with the green scarf says.

“Thank you!” I yell as I start running again.

How could he have gotten away? He was right next to me. The one day I have off and don’t have to waste my day sleeping for a midnight shift, I lose my kid. I just wanted him to see the old city and maybe get hot chocolate. He seemed happy this morning to not have to go to the baby sitters.

I erase my thoughts, and scan everywhere I can to spot his blue jacket.

I stop. I try to squint my eyes to make sure I can see right. I start running towards the blue jacket.

I don’t even hesitate to yank the kid up and hold him close.

“Tanner, where did you go? You can’t run off like that!” I say soothing so he doesn’t get upset.

“Mom! I’ve been playing with these birds and I got a warm pretzel! It was so fun!” he said with a joyful smile

“How did you get money to get food sweetie?” worrying that he got food from a stranger or found the pretzel, yes he’s found food and ate it before.

“Dad got it for me! He was so happy to see me!” he said pulling up both ends of his lips to make a huge smile

“Dad?” I start to look around

I turn around and he’s standing there, I pull Tanner closer.

“Don’t be mad at him for going with me, I took ” Zack said looking down at Tanners face

I look down to see why he is looking at him so intense, Tanner wants to go to him. I loosen my grip and Tanner wiggles out. He is standing between the both of us.

“I don’t know why you wont let me see him more often. You work all the time and he’s mostly at daycare.”  Zach says as he kneels down and hugs Tanner closer. “Please, I know you don’t want to keep him away from him. I could be like one of those dads who don’t care to be in their childs life but I do want to be in his life.”

I start to wonder why I don’t let him see Tanner more than once every two weeks, and I forget the reason. I know there was a reason.

“Well, he clearly misses you so why don’t you take him out for a real lunch that doesn’t involve pretzels and meet me back here in an hour? Please no McDonalds Zach.” I say still pondering why I made the once a week rule four years ago.

   

    They start to walk away and I can’t help but stare at how happy and jumpy Tanner is, he loves his father. What is wrong with me.

    I now have an hour to spend by myself and I get a faint smell of coffee. I look over my shoulder and see the coffee shop and head that way.

    When I walk in I see the girl working at the counter, she’s cute. Short brown hair, green eyes, she’s built tiny. I look at her name tag, Jessica. Of course she has a cute name. I order my coffee, and wait for it to be ready. I sit down at the table that out looks the boardwalk. Jessica brings me my coffee, “Thank you Jessica, I would of got up and got it myself”

    “No no no, it’s fine. You seem kinda upset, enjoy the coffee.” she says smiling

She looks just like her, I remember now. Jessica looks just like her. The girl Zach broke up with me for. Ahhh, I can’t think of her name. Brandy, Bridget, Britney, uhhhh why can’t I remember her name.  Beth, that’s it. That’s her name. It all starts to come back in a blur.

    The day I made the once every two week rule was when I picked Tanner up from Zach’s house and she was there. Playing soccer with Tanner in the front. They looked like a happy family, why would I want Tanner to have another women so close to him? Would he have called her mom? Would he like her better than me? The rule happened because I didn’t want Tanner spending too much time with this random woman.

    Selfish.

    I took an important person out of his life because I was jealous and intimidated. I take the last sip out of cup and wave to Jessica.

    It’s been an hour, I can see the blue jacket waiting for me in the same place.

    “Hey Tanner, how was lunch? Did you have fun?” I say feeling a guilty lump in my throat.

    “It was so much fun, we just had so much fun!” He said with a huge smile

    “Zack, take him for the night and tomorrow when you bring him back we can sit and talk about a new arrangement.” I try to let the words sound real so he doesn’t think I’m messing with his head.

    “Really? Is your number still the same just in case anything happens?” he says

    “Yes, have fun sweetie” I say zipping up Tanners jacket.

    “I will! Bye mommy.” He says running along the boards, he stops and waves goodbye