Broken I Lay

no comment.

My heart pounded for you all day, all night
You gave me rebirth to this planet
After a hard, cold road you medicated me
But now you tore me to pieces, damnit.

And when I open my cloudy, sore eyes
I have to think real hard and swallow my pride
Because To the world, it isn't over yet
But to me it's the end of my journey, end of my ride.

I never bit my toungue when it came to the truth
Because I wanted to share, like an open book
But your lies, your shame all sunk out clearly
And the person I loved got pulled away by the hook.

And now I'm sitting here with a crack in my heart
Thinking over the love you took up over the years
Only blaming myself for believeing in magic so much
But I forgot magic wasn't the only thing, but also fears.

Because If everything stayed sunny, day and night
We wouldn't get to live the life we bore for real
And here I am stuck drowning in my own misery
Because the only person I trust conquered the way I feel.

The bed is useless without you under the covers
Why should I feel comfortable when you took that away
I used to savor the feeling of your plump lips baby
But now alone and completely broken I lay.

Reviews

[Limitality]

... Kathryn.
Actually, in poetry, if you do not have any periods or questions marks or anything like that, it is meant to be read fast.
Honestly, this is grade nine stuff.
Have you ever went to school?
I have no idea why, but your post really pissed me off. Dark Barbie is an amazing writer, and I wish I had time to review on her pieces.
YOU, should learn some grammar and punctuation.

So take this poem
and shove it somewhere good
I know I'm being mean
and that I should

Read. It. Fast.

[Kathryn]

Hey Dark Barbie,
Your front page said that you would like constructive criticism to become a better writer, so I thought I would try to give you a few pointers on this piece.

One important thing to consider is punctuation. The rule of thumb is to either not use it, or use it like you would in prose. You kind of did a hybrid of the two, so I tried to fix that for you.

Your rhyming scheme wasn't a consistent pattern, which is usually okay, but I felt it kind of hindered the flow a little bit. I'm a big fan of free verse, so it might just be personal opinion on that one, but I feel like if you didn't force the ends on the lines to rhyme, you could tell your story with so much more freedom and without restrictions. If you ever get stuck on a rhyme there is a great website you can use: http://www.rhymer.com/. Like I said though, consider "breaking the rules of poetry" and letting your words flow out, without having to rhyme them.

Another tip is that when you are wanting to express emotions, punctuation and capitalization can help you emphasize things better. For example, in the fourth line, you ended with the word "damnit," but no exclamation point! Add some emotion! Show us you are Angry!

I just copied your piece below and added changes (punctuation, clarity, flow, etc.) in brackets. And then after it added the "what I would do" version. This is SOLELY a SUGGESTION! I like the way you said it and your diction (word choice), style, and voice are all YOUR OWN, but, that being said, I wanted to show you what using free verse might look like. Hopefully it will get your mind going and maybe give you some new, creative ideas.

My heart pounded for you all day, all night[.]
You gave me rebirth to this planet[; or .]
After a hard, cold road you medicated me[,]
But now you tore me to pieces, damnit[!]

And when I open my cloudy, sore eyes
I have to think [really] hard and swallow my pride
Because [t]o the world, it isn't over yet[;]
[T]o me[,] it's the end of my journey, [take out: end of] my ride.

I never [change bit to "held"] my [tongue] when it came to the truth
Because I wanted to share, like an open book[, comma before conjunction in compound sentences]
But your lies, your shame all [sunk? do you mean STUCK?] out clearly[,}
And the person I loved got pulled away by the hook.

[N]ow I'm sitting here with a crack in my heart
Thinking over the love you took up over the years[,]
Only blaming myself for [believing] in magic so much[.]
I forgot[:] magic wasn't the only thing, but also fears.

If everything stayed sunny, day and night[,]
We wouldn't get to live the life we bore for real[.]
And here I am stuck drowning in my own misery
Because the only person I trust [trust or trustED?] conquered the way I feel.

The bed is useless without you under the covers[.]
Why should I feel comfortable when you took that away[?]
I used to savor the feeling of your plump lips baby[,]
But now alone and completely broken I lay.

[[[Different ideas/version:]]]

My heart once pounded for you all day and night
Because you gave me rebirth to this planet.
After a hard, cold road you became my healing medication.
Now, you have torn me to pieces, damnit!

When I open my cloudy, sore eyes
I have to brace myself and swallow my pride
Because to the world, 'it' isn't over yet.
Although to me, it's the end of my journey;
This is the end of my ride.

I never held my tongue when it came to the truth
Because I wanted to share, like an open book,
But your lies and shame all came out clearly
And the person I used to love has been yanked away
By the proverbial hook.

Now I'm sitting here with a canyon in my heart
Thinking over the love you took up over the years.
I blame myself for believing in magic so trustingly
Although magic wasn't the only thing,
I distrusted my fears.

I've come to learn that if everything stayed sunny,
Both the day and night,
We wouldn't get to live the life we really bare.
Here I am stuck drowning in my own pool of misery
Because the only person I trusted
Conquered the way I feel.

The bed is useless without you under the covers
Why should I feel comfortable when you took that away
I used to savor the feeling of your plump lips baby
But now alone and completely broken I lay.

[poetic soul]

this breaking is so much beyond repair.....i understand the pain in it, have been here... going thru the same.... Repair yo self asap gal.... nothing in this world is worth this! Take care.........

:) Smiles,
Poetic Soul

[bluessadmood]

God how lovely this is..and how lovely is your comeback,i have waited long
to hear again the magical music i used to hear..for i always enjoyed that feelings of being so light in heart and mind and soul just listening to your beautiful charming words
my heart pounded for you day and night
after that hard journey i took you came to heal me
but now so broken to pieces am i ,and hurt
and i opened my cloudy sore eyes
i had to think really hard and swallow my foolish pride
for them the ride still goes on..for me its already came to end..and i have to rest
and i sit here with a crack in my heart
thinking over the love that took over me for years
now i only have myself to blame ,for i felt and believed in so much magic
but i was a fool for i forgot that magic only also along came the fears
if everything stayed sunny and bright,all day and night
it would not get us to live the life for real,the nasty life
and i am always stuck and drowning in my own misery
because the one i had so much faith in broke everything i believed in,and broke me
this bed of mine,i never feel comfortable like before
for now i am all alone and very broken to the bone as i lie ..alone
what lovely write..i always go singing your words..and feel your feelings like they were mine
i just love the beauties that you write..i missed them a lot
lovely wonderful write