when i was little

this is just something i came up with while laying in bed, thinking about my past self.

I didn't think I would be like this.

When I was five, I was going to be a princess..

have an amazing castle with winding staircases.

I asked my uncle what he wanted his room painted as and he pointed to his lime green button up shirt with martinis on it, I happily agreed.

I wanted my entire family to live with me.

Pointing out where I would want my castle to my mama when we went on drives.

Age eight I wanted to be a veterinarian, a word I could hardly even spell.

I wanted to help all animals, big and small.

Maybe.. even a ballerina! Elegantly dancing to soft music.

Tu-tus and ballet shoes.

Ten, new house.

I was a spy.

Just finished reading “Harriet the spy” for the third time.

I had my notebook, my handmade toilet paper tube binoculars.

I wasn't too bad at sneaking around, I would creep around the house “solving cases, protecting important people”.

Twelve, Sunday schools teachers pet.

I was the model girl in my class.

Hair in piggy tails, church dress on, a purse filled with loose change, my best notebook, and some random colored pencils.

I always had a thought to share on the lesson, always answered right on the questions.

Fourteen.. depressed.

Already been through selfharming, secret journals full of my most precious thoughts.

Left some toxic people behind me, got left by kids too cool for me now.

I stopped going to youth group.

I hid away in my room, reading, writing.

I was a loner.

The awkward girl at her karate class, crushing on her best friend.

Fifteen.

All new friends.

Good grief, I really have gone down hill.

I am in a toxic relationship but I don't realize it.

I've got terrible anxiety, the depression heavy in my chest.

I drink energy drinks and skip meals.

I always have a pen in my hand, doodles cover my arms and legs.

I draw a lot of X's on myself.

My toxic relationship ended, broke me for awhile.

I became closer to my old friend, farther from the world.

He held my only strand of sanity.

I messed around, cut my skin.

Developed into a bad habit I couldn't break.

God I wish I could just die.

I tried. But trust me relapsing sucks.

I'm sixteen now.

I've come a long way.

I stopped my bad habit, took awhile and a lot of support.

I kicked depressions a*s to the curb, though depression still visits me.

I have good people in my life.

A healthy mind.

Depression... has been coming by more frequently again.

I know it won't last and even though I feel I will never be fully be healed from it, I know I can get through it again.

I've grown up a lot in the past few years, I want to live now.

I know I have a future and I try my best to remember that on my bad days.

Author's Note

let me know your thoughts!

Reviews

[Chris Shaw]

When I read this I thought about young people I know, and the terrible adolescent years. It is so hard moving from being a young child into adolescene with all those raging hormones. I have known self harmers and their struggle. I have seen their fight for a meaningful life and I have seen them come out the other side as happy and balanced people. Yes it can happen. Your poem had a very uplifting ending and I enjoyed reading about your experiences. Keep writing.