Withering

 

Like a leaf waiting

to fall
out of her season; she sighs
- sees encircling buds
burst forth,
then drifts away on the breeze.  

 

 

 

Author's Note

I changed the last line on this one 'she hangs on a branch that decays' as friends said it didn't make sense. Is this weaker?

Reviews

[Cdnsurfer]

Hmm. Interesting form this Chofu (5-2-7-5-2-7). I"ll have to try it. Sad feel to this piece, Vanessa, but well done. It creates a soft flow. Especially liked the line "out of her season", and the almost envious look back at youth in "sees encircling buds/burst forth". Cheers!

[Emily B]

I avoid forms, I guess in my mind they resemble math. Too much counting. This, this is beautiful. We must remember to thank Mr. Silvey for inventing the chofu. That's just about the most perfect set of words I ever read. I'm partial to the most impact in the fewest words, anyway.

[W.k.kortas]

Catches the whole intertwining of life cf. death, birth cf. decay succinctly and elegantly. A very nice little piece of writing.

[THE BLACK SEAL]

very placid. i liked it

[Bernice]

I liked this a lot, so powerful but peaceful and meaniningful.

[Steven Silvey]

I really liked this one. Definitely one of my favorite ones.
Thanks for participating in the Chofu scene. A couple of people are still writing them, but I think they might die out. :( I guess I got famous enough from them, lol.
Great poem.

[Randall]

Simply elegant, very powerful piece. You captured you subject and meaning in such a short time, yet not a word wasted.

[Blackbirdsong]

Wow this is gorgeous. See how much fun this form is? Of course I love anything where word play is key and you've given us such a sumptuous feast of a poem here. So many layers of meanings to find and discover.

Great job, my friend.

take care :)

[Trevor The Lockeeper]

Simple, powerful, evocative, and so sympathetic to the wisdom of aknowledging cycles. Best of luck. Trevor

[Armon Badill]

I especially like this piece,
reminds me of something,
very nice work :)

[Ken Simm.]

A single second with so much. Out of her season is an interesting concept. As if she has tides that are reducing when all around is fecund (I love that word) with new growth. Excellent regards Ken.