Alone

Written in 2002

 

The ute pulled up to the school; “The front office is that way.” Sean said as he pointed to a group of buildings. I just nodded, I didn’t find it necessary to respond I knew Sean had already given me up as a lost cause and I personally didn’t care. I sat there just staring at the buildings. Sean shouldered his bag and got out of the ute, “Lock the door when you leave.” He said as he walked away. I watched as he went and stood by his friends. I took a deep breath and got out of the ute, locking the door after me. I took one look at the buildings around me; they were all so spread out. With a feeling of longing in my heart I headed towards the front office.

 

As I walked through the front office doors, a short, plump lady looked up from her desk. “Ah, you must be Samantha. I’m Miss Grey, the year 10 co-coordinator. If you have any problems with your lessons you come to me.” She said as she shuffled through the papers on the desk, she looked up to see if I understood. Absent-mindedly I nodded; she handed me a piece of paper and a school diary. “That is your time table, and you will find a map of the school inside the diary. Follow me and I will take you to your homegroup.” Miss Grey walked out of the office and I followed at her heels. She walked through the mess of buildings, all the while talking about school. Suddenly my attention was focused on her when she took a deep breath. “The school has a counselor you can talk to about your problems, would you like me to organise an appointment for you?” The memory of that night came back to me ten fold and I realised my past would be common knowledge. Miss Grey was looking at me waiting for an answer; I violently shook my head. The last thing I wanted to do was explain the whole horrid thing to some smiling, ignorant, country person. “Ok then. This is your homegroup. The teacher is Mrs. Manner.” She opened the door that was in front of her; I walked through it and heard it click shut behind me.

 

I stood there by the door; there were about sixteen other students in the room. They were all staring at me, even the teacher was looking at me. “Samantha Wright?” The teacher questioned. I nodded my reply. I looked around the room and found a spare desk right in the back corner of the room. I quickly made my way towards it, I was glad to find that no one attempted to stop me or catch my attention. I sat in the seat closest to the wall and put my bag on the seat next to me. With my bag there no one could sit there and try to be friendly to me. They would only do it because I’m the new girl. I knew this because I use to do it at my old school, where I was popular, back when I was normal. Despite all my efforts to discourage any interaction a couple of students still tried to be friendly. First there was a tall, slim, blonde girl. “Hi my name is Kate. If you need any help finding your way around, you can ask me.” She said with a huge smile on her face. I think she expected a thank you or maybe an exchange of names, but instead she received a polite nod. I pulled out my timetable and pretended to read it. After about two minutes Kate gave up waiting and went back to her friends. I heard a cough and looked up. My eyes rested on a muscular, tall, blue eyed, brown haired boy. “My name is David.” He stated quickly, I nodded and went back to my timetable. David walked around the front of my desk he knelt down and looked me straight in the eye. “You know it is rude not to introduce yourself?” I just looked at him levelly and raised my eyebrows in a questioning way. “Ok, I understand that you don’t want to talk. The reason why you are here is common knowledge. I just wanted to tell you that I totally understand what you are going through.” I was shocked; this country idiot thought he understood what was happening. No one, absolutely no one understood what I was going through. How dare this guy assume that he understood me. “You don’t understand! No one, I mean no one can understand!” I yelled as loud as I could, I even think steam may have been coming out my ears. Everyone was looking at me; none of them had heard what he had said only what I had yelled. The girl, Kate, stood and started to walk towards me but David shook his head and she sat back down. I was left alone for the rest of homegroup. I received numerous sideway looks and caught several whispered comments.

 

*~*~*~*

 

I sat in the back of Sean’s ute. He sure was taking his time. There he was, casually but very slowly walking through the buildings. I stood up and walked over to the door. On the way to Sean’s place he made pointless comments, “I had a good day today except that I was given an English assignment. Did you have a good day?” Was the first comment, they all followed the same pattern. A pointless comment followed by a yes/no question, to every question I nodded or shook my head. But half way to his place Sean made a string of comments that left me motionless. “Dave told me that you two talked in homegroup. I’m glad you talked to someone. You have been silent since that night; everyone was starting to worry. Any way, you made a good choice talking to Dave. It would be about a year since he went through it. So he would understand, it took him three months to start talking again.” Then Sean sighed and shook his head; he was silent for the rest of the drive. Sean was right; I hadn’t talked within hearing distance of anyone since that night. But that wasn’t the comment that made me think. He had suggested that David would understand and that he had been through the same thing a year ago. It didn’t matter wether he had been through the same thing I wasn’t going to talk to him or anyone else, they would just take pity but they wouldn’t understand. No one would.

 

As I walked through the front door I was greeted by Aunt June’s voice, “Sean, is that you and Sam?” I walked past the kitchen door so that she knew I was there. Aunt June is always in the kitchen and Uncle Stuart is always with the horses. “Yeah mum it’s us.” I heard Sean yell as I shut the door to my room. I laid on my back and thought of what I would be doing if I was home. I would walk through the front door and be greeted by mum’s voice from the study. I would go and help her bounce ideas for half an hour and then dad would come home from the office and we would all start cooking tea. I thought of these memories of happier times and waited for the tears to come. Like every previous time my waiting was in vain. Maybe what they all said about me at the funerals were true, after all only a cold-hearted person wouldn’t shed a tear for their parents. I stood up and went to the stables in search of Uncle Stuart.

 

I walked through the stables, glancing in every stall. I stopped outside one of the stalls; it contained a large, dapple grey stallion. He looked scary but looks can often be misleading, so I stretched out my arm towards him. He stood still and let me pet him. After a time I forgot the reason why I was in the stables but I was reminded. “That is Drake that you have befriended.” Said Uncle Stuart as he lent beside me. Uncle Stuart was the only person who didn’t tip toe around me, the only person who didn’t talk about the weather towards me. I guess that was because he had lost his sister, my mother, so he had a slight understanding. “Drake should be exercised every day but Sean and I just don’t have the time. Not to mention Drake seems to carry a grudge against Sean. If I remember right your mother taught you how to ride and I must admit you couldn’t have had a better teacher. So I think it is a good idea that I put Drake into your capable hands. If it’s ok with you I would really appreciate it if you would agree to exercise and groom Drake for me. Is that ok with you?” Uncle Stuart asked me while watching me. I looked at Drake and found he was looking at me. I nodded but didn’t take my eyes off Drake. “Good, ok the tack is in the room by the stable door. Feel free to take him out whenever you want.” I took this comment to heart and walked towards the tack room. Uncle Stuart didn’t stop me, it was then that I realised that was what he had wanted me to do.

 

I rode Drake for at least two hours that night. I rode to the furthest corner of the property; there I sat and thought about everything. I didn’t want to think about it all, but it just comes flooding back. Once again I found myself unable to shed a tear. “Drake, do you think I’m cold hearted?” I asked the horse, well aware of the fact that he wouldn’t answer me. I looked at my watch and remembered that I was meant to be back at the house for tea soon. “Come on, Drake we better head back.” I said. I rode Drake back and gave him a rub down. I resumed my silence.

 

*~*~*~*

 

I was sitting in my chemistry lesson; we were getting a practical brief. There was a knock at the door and a young blonde woman was standing there. She caught my attention, “Can I please remove Samantha Wright from this lesson?” She questioned loudly. The teacher nodded, I gathered my books and followed the young woman. She led me to a small office where she offered me a seat. As soon as I had sat down she started talking, “Hello Samantha. I’m Miss Lee, the school counselor. Your homegroup teacher, Mrs. Manner, told me about your little outburst yesterday. It is understandable after all you have been through. Is there anything you want to talk about?” I couldn’t believe it. This woman dragged me out of my lesson, where I was quite happy, and tells me that I have behaved badly. And then she expects me to open up to her and spill my guts. I straighten up in the seat, put a non-judgmental look on my face and stared at her. We sat there for about half an hour before she spoke again, “Well if you don’t want to talk to me maybe you could talk to David Martin, I believe you have already met him.” I gave a quick nod as I grabbed my bag and left. I had a maths lesson that I should go to but I had to think so I headed to the library. That was at least the second time someone had suggested that I talk to this David guy.

 

I walked through the library door and headed straight to the non-fiction section. I pulled out a book about chemistry, sat down on the ground between the shelves and stared at the pages. Why was it that everyone kept telling me to talk to David? Why was it that everyone obeyed him when he told them to let me be? Why did everyone think that he had been through anything like I had? I had so many questions and they all revolved around David. So many questions but no answers. I was determined to get some answers and I knew where to go to get them.

 

*~*~*~*

 

I stood outside the homegroup waiting for him to turn up. There he was, walking by himself which was good; I didn’t really want his friends watching me. I walked over to David and opened my mouth to talk. “Would you like to talk to me?” David asked before I could say anything. I meekly nodded; David took my arm and guided me to a bench by the side of the building. We sat down, he sat close enough that I could talk in a whisper and he could hear me. “Ok Samantha, what is it you would like to talk about?” David asked politely with no pressure.

 

“I don’t know.” I answered truthfully. “Why does everyone suggest I talk to you? Why does everyone obey you when you tell them to leave me alone?” I whispered to him. I waited for a reply; I sat there studying his face.

 

“Everyone most likely suggest that you talk to me because I went through the same thing about a year ago. This is probably the same reason why they take my advice.” He answered after a while of considering the wording.

 

“How could you have been through the same thing. No one could have been through everything I have been through.” I whispered. Why didn’t anyone understand? No, I mean no one could have been through what I have been through and still be able to function in society.

 

“Last year my father died, he was working with machinery and slipped. The left side of his body was mutilated and he died from blood loss. When he was late coming in my mum sent me to see what he was doing. I was the one who found him, I was the one who checked for a pulse but found none, I was the one who ended up covered in his blood and I was the one who had to tell my mum.” David stopped and took a deep breath. I could see tears were starting to form in his eyes but he was forcing himself to continue. “My brother came home to help take care of the farm. We watched as my mother spiraled into depression. She literally collapsed; she needed someone to take care of her, to support her, to shelter her. She needed our father. One day after school I came home to find her dead. She had committed suicide, slashed her wrists. It was only a month after dad’s death. I was the first one to find her. It was the same as when I had found dad, she was covered in blood. I had to ring the emergency services and I had to find my brother and tell him. I watched my family collapse. Every time I thought of my parents I saw them mutilated and covered in their own blood. I still see them like that in my nightmares, the images haunt me.” I was surprised at how much he had told me. By the way he choked on some of his words I knew it was the first time he had told anyone. He was right; he had been through about the same thing as me. I saw a tear drop onto his knee. I knew what he was feeling; I was the only one here who knew what he was feeling. I put my arm around him and pulled him close. We sat there for a while with him silently crying on my shoulder. Once he had control over himself he pulled away and apologised. He then walked me to Sean’s ute.

 

David didn’t say a word the whole way to the ute. It was really scary, I was worried about him. We were about ten metres away from the ute when we both looked up and saw Sean watching us. David looked at me and then turned around so he could walk back the way we had come from. Before he could take his second step I reached out and grabbed his arm. He stopped but didn’t look at me. “Are you going to be ok?” I asked quietly.

 

“Are you going to be ok?” He asked in return, I felt hurt that he wouldn’t look at me or give me a straight answer. Yet something inside me told me to give him a straight answer.

 

“I think I will be ok once I have given myself time.” I answered. This time David looked at me.

 

“I know I will be ok once I have time to myself.” He said as he pulled away from me. This time I let him walk away. I watched him walk about twenty metres before I walked to the ute. Sean seemed very curious about what had happened, but I refused to answer his questions.

 

*~*~*~*

 

It had been a week since David had told me about it. He had been right, he did recover after time. Unfortunately, he hadn’t talked to me all week. He hadn’t even looked at me and he was physically avoiding me. Then, we were sitting in morning homegroup and he walked over to me. “Come with me please.” David asked. As I stood up, he took me and led me outside. We sat down on a bench, “You know my story. I would like to know yours.” The way he said it was a request, but yet he left me no option to decline. I didn’t like being given no option. I violently shook my head. “It’s ok, you can trust me. Please tell me I would like to know.” David pleaded.

 

I took a deep breath and let my memories out. “I came home from school. It was really late because I had been studying with a friend. I got to the front door and found it unlocked which was unusual. I called out that I was home; I could hear the TV going. I went to my room to put my school bag away. As I walked into the kitchen to get a snack I saw them. My mum and dad were lying on the floor covered in blood. I quickly dropped to my knees and checked for a pulse. I found none. I rang the police. They arrived to find me huddled in a corner, covered in my parent’s blood, rocking back and forth. My parents had been stabbed to death, the police never found the killer. After the funeral I came to live with my aunt and uncle, Sean’s parents. You are the first person I have talked to; I haven’t even talked to the police. My family has given up on me; they all think I’m heartless because I haven’t cried over my parent’s death. They are right, only a heartless person can lose both parents and never shed a tear.” David put his arm around me. It was only then that I realised that I had drawn my knees up and was rocking. I ceased the rocking and leant against David. I raised my hands to my face to cover it and felt tears against my palms.

 

David held me close and whispered into my ear, “I’m so sorry. You weren’t ready to talk about it. I’m so sorry.” At that stage, I was crying freely. We sat there for an hour, me crying and David repeating, “I’m so sorry.” Over and over again.

 

*~*~*~*

 

Since that day David and I had an unspoken bond. He was the only person I would talk to and he was always there when I needed him. We started to spend more time together until eventually we were never seen apart. We have been together for four years now and are currently doing our second year of Uni. We have both learnt to function in society. The nightmares still come in the middle of the night but I know that David will be lying next to me when I wake up. He knows the same is true about me when his nightmares come.