Pain

 

My mind is ganging up on my heart and is tearing it to pieces.

 

Why do I continue doing this to myself? Why can’t I just let myself be? Why do I insist on being at war with myself, on doubting everything that I believed and questioning everything I have ever known?

 

Just when I think I’m safe my mind kicks in and changes all. It kicks in and insists on destroying all it can find. It doesn’t stop there it isn’t just everything it can find inside my mind it is also me. It tears me apart on the inside and I feel liked doing what ever I can just to get it to stop, just to get the chaos to settle. I sometime believe that maybe if tear myself apart on the outside it will stop me from being torn apart on the inside.

 

At times I feel that I have done something to deserve the pain that it is a punishment for some action I once took. I search my mind trying to find what ever horrible deed I once did to deserve such betrayal as my mind turning against me. Unfortunately I never find the answer; I just continue being ripped to shreds.

 

I was always aware that someone’s mind could be at war with their heart, I was just never aware that it could get to the stage where it felt like one was destroying the other. Is it possible to live without a heart, for I doubt I will posses one for much longer. I doubt that my heart can keep its defenses for much longer.

 

I was always led to believe that the heart was stronger. As a little girl I heard stories about how someone took an action that was against their better judgment because their heart had told them to do so. I guess that is why the stories are called fairy tales. I am now aware that love does not over come all that stands in its way. Instead it is weakened by such a simple thing as my mind.

 

My mind acts like a pack of wolves and my heart is merely an innocent little rabbit. I feel it is highly possible that when my heart finally gives up the fight, my body will also give up. The final pains of death will be the end of my body as well as my heart. I wonder if my mind is aware of the fact that with the death of heart will come its own death. I wonder if that is in fact the reason why it waged the war in the first place.