For You...

This was written in 2007 after a very close friend played me as a fool and betrayed a lot of people. It is all the stuff I would have said to him but I wasn't strong enough to say it to his face.

You weren't a key part but you were a constant part. The removal of you has left a gap but maybe a gap is better then what I had. Maybe emptiness is better then false beliefs, false feelings, and false thoughts. What I need in my life is honesty. I have had enough lies already to last the rest of my life. I don't need to seek lies and I don't need to receive them from people I trust. I trusted you, there were times that you made better understanding of my thoughts then I ever could. I told you everything; I was honest with you to the point that I stopped thinking I could lie. Now I realise I was honest with you but you weren't honest with me. To make matters worse you make me less honest, by keeping our friendship I lied to others. I became dishonest in order to remain honest to you and what did it gain me, lies and more lies.

I keep thinking that I shouldn't trust anymore, that I have been hurt enough times that I should have learnt the lesson. I keep thinking that I should start building my walls higher again, that I should start keeping people out again, but I can't. I can't shut up around myself. There are people out there who are worth the trouble and the pain. There are people out there who care. There are people out there who aren't like you. It is for those people that I must lower my wall, that I must let them in. Why should I suffer because of your mistakes?

You know the worst part? You hurt me so much, I have suffered so much in just two short weeks but yet I still care. I worry about you, I worry that you aren't okay. I worry that this is hurting you at least half as much as it hurt me. In a way I hope this isn't hurting you, that it wasn't important to you because I don't want you to be hurting too. I want to forgive but I can't. I still care for you, I still consider you a friend, I still love you.