Introducing Kates

I have been blogging for quite a while but have never had the courage to talk about my illness. I am Bi-Polar. I have come to accept this long ago, but I have not written much on the subject, at least until now.

 

A little background, I was diagnosed when I was about 18 I am almost 27 now. In the past nine years I have been hospitalized twice, once was just last weekend. I was put on Lithium when I was 18 or 19 and I was not too impressed with the medication, it made me gain weight, and it made my moods flat, I had no emotional range at all. Lithium is great for some people, for me however I didn’t like it so much.

 

I always knew there was something not right, even in high school. My mood would change at the drop of a hat, I would cry over nothing, when I was young, I used to fight people just for the thrill of it, lash out at people, but was unable to understand why people would be angry at me in return. Before I was diagnosed I was put on every anti-depressant that you could think out, none of them worked, in fact they either made me manic, or depressed. Noting seemed to work.

 

Eventually my Doctor decided to try Lithium, my family did not take this well, and It has been an emotional rollercoaster since, in that time I went through one abusive relationship. I was on Lithium for about 2-4 years and then I stopped taking it, so I was on no medication for a while, during that time I was in second abusive relationship. That one really took its’ toll on me, I am still recovering to this day and that relationship ended three years ago. How I survived without medication, I have no idea, I self medicated with alcohol, and sometimes drugs. It was a very difficult time in my life.

 

In the summer of 2006, I had the longest manic episode I have ever had, my parents even questioned If I was using drugs. Then I crashed hard, that is when I decided to get help and deal with everything in my past. This for me has been difficult. I moved away from Denver the city I grew up in and started over, thinking I could run away from my problems. Not the case, you can never run away from your problems, they will always be with you until you deal with them, and even then they will always be with you.

 

I am now back on medication, I have high anxiety and my moods still range quite a bit. I was seeing someone for a year and a half and finally broke it off, sometimes it is too hard for people to deal with my illness, and even I have a hard time. I know that I will never be off medication now; I know that I have to deal with all of my problems. It scares me, because any day the med’s can stop working just as they did a in the last few months, then its back to the drawing board.

 

I am lucky that I have Doctors that work so close with me and that I trust completely. As of now I am feeling stabilized however I do understand that can change at any moment. As for my support, I have friends and family, however I know that it is hard for them as well. Each day is a struggle, but it is also a new day. Living with Bi-Polar you have to take it one day at a time.

 

I do have a lot of good in my life, I have a job I love and am back in school, these changes have been hard on me as well, change no matter how good it is can still throw you into a episode. I am living and that is what is important.

 

 

Reviews

[O!]

It isnt courage that makes u write this....its u now saying that its okay to be the way u are coz u are doing ur best u can given the circumstances....ur illness!
Abusive relationships are relationships u have to get out of right away...and that u did...and that takes courage...coz love can be a strange thing which pulls u back.
THe positive........u have doctors u can trust...u have family and friends who u can fall back on......u havent given up on life and do what any person ur age would..achieve the best for urself. Most important are ur words where u say....dont run away from ur problems....handle them.....i am a very strong believer as far as that goes and i can only tell u to always do that!...moving away is not running away...its making a new start...taking time before u turn back and face ur problems.....
Thank you for sharing this with us. Ure doing good! :-)
x,
O!

[Ahmad Cox]

There is a lot of courage in sharing

[Ahmad Cox]

Thank you for showing a piece of yourself

[The Random Writings Of Me..Kates]

Thank you! and thank you for taking the time to get to know me :)

[John Phoenix Hutchinson..]

I am living and that is what is important.....dont forget that Kates, dont forget your talent and friendship you show to all here on Writers Cafe is very much appreciated. Your a prize asset and we love you.

[The Random Writings Of Me..Kates]

Thank you John! Your friendship is a prize asset to me as well, and your words mean more than you know. I have many "friends" on my list but there are few who I count as special and you are among them.
Much love you!

[John Phoenix Hutchinson.]

(((((hug)))))

[The Random Writings Of Me..Kates]

Back at ya!!

[Androglossia]

This write has been on my reading list for weeks. I had been going back to it every now and then. I sit, read and pondered. It is not the illness that engrossed me. It is your acceptance of the circumstance which I think may not be very easy for some. In writing this piece, you were telling the world that nothing is impossible. That we are still the master of our own and that little bit inside our head is not us but just a part of us. Yes, it can be very powerful but it can never control our lives.

This is very inspiring and very real. And again you fearlessly have showed a part of you to the world and I very much admire your strength. I do hope that this is no longer taking the wheel my dear and that you have tamed the beast back to its cage. You are definitely one of a kind:) love yah!

[Androglossia]

PS: i like the photo! Whoa! Rock on! Lol

[The Random Writings Of Me..Kates]

Yes, nothing is impossible, but it does make it harder. Especially when my family had such a hard time dealing with it at first. Especially my mom. And still to this day I don't tell a lot of people because there is such a stigma related to it. People think that just because you are bi-polar you are crazy. Yet when people find out that I am, they don't believe it. I graduated with honors from college, am able to hold a job, excel at what I do and live a normal life, except there are about 5 medications on my nightstand that I have to take every night. But in coming to terms with that I know what I have to do to keep myself healthy, well in that department :). I am not going to lie, it is a day to day struggle and it is scary because as I wrote you never know when one of your meds is going to stop working and throw you off balance. But you have to learn to recognize the triggers that put you there, or the signs that an oncoming episode are coming. And it's also hard because many people don't understand how you can go from one mood to the next in the snap of a finger. Or when you are down, and some people tell you to get over it. It has taken a toll on many of my friendships, and that's a big reason why I pick carefully who I choose to let get close to me. And when I found out I would have to be on meds for the rest of my life, well it scared the s**t of out me. But I have to look on the bright side of things. It doesn't make me any lesser of a person, and if people can't accept me for who I am - well f**k em! lol. Thank you again, you my friend are one of a kind :) And for not judging me for who I am. It did take courage to post this. But I felt it was important. Love ya!!!

[Androglossia]

If optimism could kill my dear, I have already killed thousands, lol. I would never judge anyone. Because I think we all have special characteristic or aspects. I for one am gay. And remember, this isn't curable and there isn't an existing prescription just to make me normal for a few hours. See? We all have our stories that we should not consider as shameful. And you are right, this doesn't make us less of a person.

Btw, I'm going back track. Checking earlier writes rather than the newest. I do this to selected friends only. It's exciting really. Lots of surprises:)

[The Random Writings Of Me..Kates]

Yes, I am kinda of doing the same thing :) FYI - Some of my older stuff on here sucks.... Well i think so anyway. I am trying to work on some of it. but also working on some new pieces as well. Cilla reviewed Heaven and she had some major changes, she thought it was a great write, I asked her if I could send her a PM, but she hasn't gotten back to me....

[The Random Writings Of Me..Kates]

Oh, being gay - doesn't make you any different than me. I have more gay friends than straight. My brother is gay. And why should it be curable? It's not a disease? It's the same as being heterosexual, you can't help you are attracted to or fall in love with. Love does not discriminate against gender, race or anything.

[The Random Writings Of Me..Kates]

I love you no matter what!!!

[Androglossia]

I'm sorry to say but I really had this strong feeling that your brother is gay because you never said girlfriend when you mentioned your brother on a poem, you just said partner so.. And btw, I'm gay as in lesbian not a man, errr just thought I'd let you know.. I could look like a man in the photo who knows? Lol, thank you for accepting me for what I am Kates.. you just don't know what that means to me..

[The Random Writings Of Me..Kates]

I know that silly! I have a lot friends that are lesbian too. Like i said it I don't think any different... It is all the same. I do believe in God, i don't go to church, but I do believe that God created everyone equal. I just look at it this way, we have different tastes! And you don't look like a man in your photo :) And I will always accept you, even if you decide to eat green eggs and ham :) lol :)

[Androglossia]

Green eggs and ham? Is that something gross? I think it is, lol. Man, where in the world have I been! No seriously, what does that mean?

[The Random Writings Of Me..Kates]

Haven't you ever read the book Green eggs and Ham by Dr. Suess? It's a great childrens book! You can check it out on-line google it :)

[Androglossia]

I just did before I posted my reply:) I just didn't think you were really referring it to Dr. Suess'. lol

[The Random Writings Of Me..Kates]

lol, yes :)

[Kelley Pascoe]

I had a girlfriend who was Bi-Polar and she drove me nuts because she would not take her meds. She was really mean to me. We broke up and then she started taking them... Don't figure right? LOL
Anyway I think it took alot of courage writing this and you did it well.
Thanks for sharing.
Kelley Frost

[Kara Emily Krantz]

bravo for you. for putting this down on the page. and i'm sorry i took so long getting to it, seeing as you sent me the request... ::sigh::

strangely enough, an old friend of mine called me yesterday and asked me to meet her somewhere to talk, so I did. she has a very very similar story to yours- we talked about bipolar, we talked about her abusive relationships, we talked about the meds and her weight and how everything just exacerbates and it's all such a catch-22. my ex is also bipolar, and it was really tough. and yet hes so creative, and sometimes he messes up his meds just so he can go manic and have a creative streak. because the meds, like you said, just make him so flat and unemotional, and unimpressed with everything.

so yes it's a journey, and every day you grow stronger, and every day you refuse to give in to giving up. :) and that's amazing, and im proud of you. thanks for sharing, and know that you always have a safe place on the page. :) write it out.
big hugs

[[untitled]]

Well, if this wasn't an eye-opener Kate...you very brave girl!!! Awareness is so important and you have created a huge dose of it here. Many have Bi-Polar illness and are self-medicating. It is a big problem in Australia since the Government saw fit to close down all mental disorder fascilities. People are wandering around aimlessly with various anxiety disorders. You are fortunate to have trusted medical care. I believe you are well on the way of overcoming this syndrome because you have been so willing to share your experience. You go you good thing xxx
Congrats on having the guts to stand up and be counted :-)))

[Fantasyfairy]

You write with complete honesty. You don't want pity, you want understanding, and you are lucky to have a family that helps with that. I'm glad that you see that living is important, so many with bipolar disorder just cannot see this, because their illness leaves them incapable of seeing this. I guess that makes you one of the lucky ones right now. You are a strong woman, and an ispiration to those of us who are surviving, and suffering. Well done, I hope this continues for you. XX

[J. Hampton]

Kates
This is an awesome write...
There is something so empoering about sharing something so intimate and heavy...It can be lifechanging to place it on the table before family and friends.Almost as though you can then say..." Now what" ? nobody can mess with that.

Myself I struggle with ADDHD ...it can be so hard to have people understand the mind I live in I drive my husband and daughters crazy...they call me "Dorrie" - from "Nemo' the Disney movie....lol
With that said...I applaud you with mad Kudos Girl...
All things are possible...

love ya
xoxoxo
Blessssssssss

[Just Manoosh]

Kate, your honesty is amazing and that I admire without doubt. So much you say here is understandable, you have no idea how much I see myself in this story. Quite strangely .... or maybe not so strangely there are many writers that have Bi-Polar, even here on the cafe, and so many times it is diagnosed as depression. Personally the doctors have constantly made that mistake with me, I know my own mind, I know that these highs and lows are not depression. My demon also made my condition worse, and though that ended over a year ago I continually battle the place he put me, once I found solice in vodka ... now, because of the hurt in others eyes, I seek solace inside my own mind, better for them to "think" I am happy. Stay strong, talk and write, and remember you are not alone ..... I added my story to writers cafe once, but Charlies mistake lost it, maybe it should stay lost for a while until I reach a stronger place. Your strength is built from a beautiful heart. Hugs. Mx