Happy Birthday Baby!

My somewhat man is having a birthday in a few day I need this to be perfect!!!!

 

 

I lay in bed at night and wish you were the warmth beside me.

 

 

 

I wake up in the morning and wish your face was the first I see.

 

 

 

I call you right before bed, just so I can get some peace.

 

 

 

With your voice in my head, my thoughts seem to cease.

 

 

 

I think about your laugh, your personality, and your amazing smile.

 

 

 

Sometimes I cant help but wonder, am I truly worth your while?

 

 

 

You have the insane tendency to turn my mood in the opposite direction, and in return I have given you myself and a large dose of my affection.

 

 

 

The distance, the primary obstacle in which keeps us apart, may just be that fate got smart.

 

 

 

For you see, if we we're together, meaning the majority of time, then each time we saw each other the feeling wouldn't be as sublime.

 

 

 

I can deal with not seeing you all the time or everyday, but I know I could never deal with the hard fact that this obstacle may lead you astray.

 

 

 

 

I'm not saying I couldn't deal with not having you in my life; I can take the pain and the heart ache.

 

 

 

I'm just not sure about the strife.

 

 

 

 

You see, everyday I look forward to our quirky texts and silly conversations How there is happiness in your voice.

 

 

 

How I can say I love you with no hesitations.

 

 

 

It's funny how I'm never shy when I talk to you and how I've never been so happy.

 

 

 

This poem is from me to you on your birthday, so dont laugh, it is kind of sappy.

 

 

 

I'm trying to tell you that I love you, and how I've really never loved before.

 

 

 

How you came into my life, broadening my horizon, and opening a new door.

 

 

 

If I never have the chance to completely and truly be your girl, just know that I will always have love.

 

Not just for you, but for what you do and who you are and that is something I will never let go of. 

 

 

You are something special, Baby.

 

And to that there is no maybe. 

 

A true prize to be won.

 

 

 

Have fun on your birthday, Hun.

 

 

Author's Note

What is your opinion? It would totally be helpful, and I thank you for your time.

Reviews

[Lydia]

Well written and sweet. I'm sure he feels just as lucky he has you :)

[Paladin4life]

I only want to offer one piece of advice to you. You start out with a rhyme scheme and then go away from it and then come back to it. Personally I would try to make it consistent. Either rhyme throughout it or not at all. It is a wonderful heart felt piece. I hope your fellow takes it to heart!

[Paladin4life]

Thank you for entering my contest. This is a beautiful piece. I hope your friend realizes that they are the lucky one to have someone like you! Thank you again for entering my contest. It is very much appreciated! God bless!

[Jason]

This is absolutely beautiful! I think any person that knew these words were written for them should consider themself a very lucky individual. Truly a beautiful body of art....especially the ending. That just puts it over the top..
"You are something special, Paden.
A true prize to be won.
Have fun on your birthday, Hun."

By closing this beautiful work of art as a sort of greeting makes it really special. Like I said, it just puts it over the top! This is something to truly be proud of, and I am glad you pointed me in the right direction to reading it....for whatever reason...:). Be proud of this. It is of pure genius. Thank you for sharing. Your heart is genuine..........and dear.

Sincerely,

Jay

[Kyle Francisco]

I like it. The format is unique. You seemed to pour your heart into it. The only thing that somewhat irked me was the break of rhyme. Rhyming can be constricting and often times that is what limits choice of words. The passion could be felt throughout.

I would have to say that this is a good piece. I enjoyed reading it.

[Twilight]

I like the wording. Having said that, why not seperate this into sentences, instead of one massive paragraph? Then, the reader will be able to focus more on invididual meanings in this piece. Also, sometimes "less is more", as they say. What I mean in this case, is maybe you should try to prioritise what is most important in this piece? Then, highlight it perhaps? Too much detail can actually have less impact, on occasion.

Another good feature, is the way in which you seem to make this guy feel valued or appreciated. Overall, a sincere write (which I enjoyed reading)!

[shythatway]

What do I think? *thinks* Well.. I think that upon reading this, your boyfriend will feel like the luckiest guy in the world. Which will be totally appropriate, btw. I also think that whatever previous version you had of this, would have achieved the exact same thing.. *smile* Well done.

[Eagle Cruagh]

I don`t read for typeing quality or to find out
if you are an English major. I read for a look inside
the writers mind and soul. In this case a peek inside
was enough .

In this poem I found a loyal and faithful woman who has
devoted herself to her great love. The love of her life
is honored here with a testimonial that is hard to beat.

Beautifully written this is a very special poem.
This poem was written by a person with obvious talent,
intelligence and a great gift for writing.

This is rated at 100 %

----- Eagle Cruagh

[[untitled]]

I like the emotion you put into this piece... great write..well written

[Neeeks!]

When writing a poem, you should always use proper grammar. If you change the "u" to "you" and "ur" to "you're" in your second sentence, it'll keep your readers reading because I know a lot of people that can't stand reading anything written in "text speak", me being one of them. I can tolerate it, but I try to avoid it. You should also try to refrain yourself from starting a sentence with "Because" or "Cause". There are also a few words that are missing some apostrophes, and you could add some commas to other places to help with the word flow. And instead of using "kinda" you should use "kind of".

Here are some examples:

"wish u were" to "wish you were".

"wish ur face is the first" to "wish your face was the first".

"I call you right before bed just so I can get some peace. Cause with your voice in my head my thoughts seem to cease." to "I call you right before bed, just so I can get some peace. With your voice inside my head, my thoughts just seem to cease."

"And I cant help but wonder if I'm truly worth your while." to "Sometimes I can't help wonder, am I truly worth your while?"

"opposite direction. And in return" to "opposite direction, and in return".

"It sucks that distance is the primary obstacle in what keeps us apart. But then again maybe it might have happened that fate just got smart. You see if we were together, which I mean a majority of the time. Then each time we saw eachother the feeling wouldnt be as sublime." to "The distance, the primary obstacle in which keeps us apart, may just be that fate got smart. For you see, if we we're together, meaning the majority of time, then each time we saw each other the feeling wouldn't be as sublime."

"I can deal with not seeing you all of the time and or everyday. I just couldnt deal with the fact that this obstacle could lead u a stray." to "I can deal with not seeing you all the time or everyday, but I know I could never deal with the hard fact that this obstacle may lead you astray."

"So far I am not saying I couldnt deal with not having you in my life. I can take the pain and the heart ache I am just not sure about the strife. You see everyday i look forward to our quirky texts and silly conversations. How there is happiness in your voice and I can say I love you with no hesitations. It is funny how I can't be shy when I talk to you and how I have never been so happy." to "I'm not saying I couldn't deal with not having you in my life; I can take the pain and the heart ache. I'm just not sure about the strife. You see, everyday I look forward to our quirky texts and silly conversations How there is happiness in your voice. How I can say I love you with no hesitations. It's funny how I'm never shy when I talk to you and how I've never been so happy."

"on your birthday so dont laugh it is kinda sappy." to "on your birthday, so don't laugh. It is kind of sappy."

"I am trying to tell you that I love you, and how I really havent loved before. How you came in to my life broadening my horizon and opening a new door." to "I'm trying to tell you that I love you, and how I've really never loved before. How you came into my life, broadening my horizon, and opening a new door."

"If I never have the chance to be but completely and truly your girl, baby. Then whoever she might be is completely lucky and to that there is no maybe. You are something special a true prize to be won. Have fun on your birthday Hun." to "If I never have the chance to completely and truly be your girl, then whoever she might be is lucky. And to that there is no maybe. You are something special. A true prize to be won. Have fun on your birthday, Hun."

Other than all that, I love it. This is a really sweet poem. And I'm sorry that I just completely tore your poem apart. I really do like it.