MY VOICE

This is about finding my voice.

I am mad. No not mad. I am angry. No that’s not it. I am frustrated. These are supposed to be the years, you live with no regret. These are supposed to be the years that laughs are laughed with no care. These are supposed to be ... the years. This routine is tiring. I am either at work or at home. Did I mention how I’m at work. I am always there, yet my savings have nothing to  show for it. I am mad at myself for that but I’m not the only one to blame. Remember that time you forced me to give you that $100. I said no but I still gave it. I’ve never felt so weak in my life. It was my last $100 and I needed it . You used it to gamble. 

I have no backbone mom. In arguments with friends or coworkers, I’m quiet even when I’m right. I am quiet. You taught me to shut up and never defend myself. And I am in this constant state where I’m always mad at myself. For not speaking up. For backing down. I am a pushover mom. I envy my friends and coworkers who can stand up for themselves , who can speak up. Those who do not let someone’s voice power over them just because it’s louder.  

You are my mother , I am your child. A child, that is what I am. I respect and admire how strong you are mom. Your strength empowers me. You’ve  taught me to keep my head down and keep going, do not invoke drama , for karma will come for you . You’ve taught me to give and care for others with no boundaries.  You’ve taught me to keep my head and keep going despite what life throws at you. You’ve taught me that a mother’s love knows no boundaries. You’ve instilled principles in me that I am thankful for and will never forget. But you failed to teach me how to speak up and use the voice that is mine. For most of my life you have silenced that voice. Gave that voice no importance. But I cannot blame you. For you are a black woman trying to raise a black little girl in a world that is against us. For that I am thankful for everything you've protected me from. 

That voice that I so desperately want is one I will have to find for myself. 

Using what you have taught me and are teaching me now. I know not to worry.  

So therefore I am not mad, angry or frustrated. I am waiting...