Seashore

The seashore is a great place for lovers to meet.....or depart.....

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I sat by the seashore, all alone tonight,

Thinking of you in the setting sun’s light,

You and I, baby, we were completely same,

Like a soul cloned in two bodies,

Like same heart, but different brains.

 

Remember the seaside, we used to enjoy,

Used to dance with the splashing waves,

We kissed lovingly under the moonlit night,

As I sang you serenades.

 

You held my hands, swore never to leave,

But all I hold now is sand,

The sand that, like your memories,

Is slowly slithering out of my hand.

 

Who knew you would do infidelity,

And run so far away from me,

Choosing death over me as your partner,

Leaving my soul to search for you longingly,

 

I feel like a pebble, sitting on the beach sand,

Orphaned and cold, ever since you left my hand,

These waves are all I have, for they took you away,

And so I await my turn, waiting at the shores for eternity.

 

 

Author's Note

09/11/08
I edited it just a little....tell me if its better now... :)

The flow doesn't really feel good to me. Needs some corrections.

Reviews

[fotini]

so sweet....
but mostly so sad....
one of my greatest fears...loose the one you love like that...
great poem!

[Imperfection]

I do not have any suggestions to offer but I do agree with you. The flow could certainly have been better. Doesn't mean this isn't good. It is an excellent piece.

Very poignant and moving.
The description is fantastic and one is able to visualize the scenes as they unfold.

[closed]

perfect flow.

You are truly a deep writer my friend.

send me all your new material^^

-Dream

[Fran Marie]

A wonderful piece of writing ~ so well penned indeed!~Fran Marie

[Crystal Lynn]

Wow. This is a very thoughtful piece. I love the contrasting themes: cherishing what was good, and regretting what was bad. These stanzas:

Who knew you would be an infidel,

And run so far away from me,

Choosing death over me as your partner,

Leaving my soul to search for you longingly,

feel like they betray the overall good flow of the poem. I don't have any specific suggestions, but I would just try playing with those a little until they're a perfect puzzle piece. They're close, but not quite there. Altogether, though, I really enjoyed this piece. Thank you for entering my contest.

[Bhavya Kaushik]

oh wow! what a great and thoughtful piece of writing..
The simile in the last lines is just brilliant and thus making it such a beautiful piece of writing..
Great work! :)

[Mysty Rayn]

I think this is fantastic. I love the idea and the words used here. In the favorites it goes....

[Angelic Darkness]

I really like this poem, and the flow was quite nice.
This is very vivid, and the images play well together.

In this stanza: Who knew you would be an infidel,

*I didn't think it really set well with the other stanzas...
it just seemed out of place to me. AD