Penny and Benny

Childrens story inspired by Marie

Cute little penny, a brow little cub

Wanted so much, to join Benny’s club

But Benny said no, girls can’t join

Looked in her pocket, pulled out a gold coin

 

Benny still shook, his head with a no

Penny got mad, called Sammy the doe

Sammy the doe, called Roger the bird

Roger the bird, yelled yey I’m the third

 

Benny looked up, his friends were all gone

Benny herd laughter, all through the dawn

So the next day, Benny came over

Offered Penny a truce, his lucky four clover

 

Penny was happy, she got her friend back

She offered her club, hey who wants a snack

So they both sat, two happy cute cubs

Together these two, they started a club

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Reviews

[Dr. Wood ?]

good to see someone ELSE writing for kids..It is mostly what I do...Kids understand bribery...they are experts

[Michael Bujtas]

I find it a little odd that both would resort to bribery in the poem to become accepted though I think we've all been in a situation where we've desperately wanted to be noticed by others that we were willing to do anything.

A little bit confused by some of the symbolize such as the four leaf clover. Is Benny offering luck? How does that make sense?

Despite my confusion, it was a nice rhyme and fun to read. Good work.

[layla]

I can understand what your getting at. Young kids however, due resort to bribery as unfortunate as it is. If kids due read this I want them to be able to relate. The four leaf clover belonged to Benny. It was more of a truce offering and a I'm sorry more then anything. thanks for the review i did make changes and hope its better! :)

[Mark D]

I can see Michaels point here with regards to the bribery. I never thought of it. It's true that kids may do this buy a poem aimed at kids probably shouldn't. There is def a point there. I saw the relevance of the four leaf clover as being rare rather than lucky

[layla]

I agree. Michael is right in that regard. I still feel however, choosing to ignore the reality of what kids due would make more fictional then i would like. i know what your thinking! haha talking bears who understand the value of a gold coin who successfully assemble a club lol the fictional characters are just stand ins for the real characters and that's the kids in today's society. I hope the message doesn't come across as praising bribery but proving it doesn't always work. thanks guys :) I love the ideas and feed back. keepum coming!

[Mark D]

This is very good and I can see why you are keen to write in this style.

This was very nice as a tribute to Marie's work as well. I am glad she is flattered.

The fourth line is a little bit confusing because it suggested initially to me that Benny pulled out the gold coin when in fact you meant that Penny did. You need to give Penny a capital P in the 1st and 12th lines.

I like this and thought it was cute. I still think it could be more concise though. Sorry for being little critical, I just think you can nail this style of writing!

Well done though it was good

[layla]

Please! never apologize for critiquing my writing. It really helps me and i hope you continue to be honest like you have been.Mari was my inspiration! I was thinking poems for the ages of 8-12 but found it difficult to think of topics. It never occurred to me to try a younger age group. Thanks for the review Mark! and thanks Mari for showing me a way!

[Jolie Blossom]

Aww such a cute poem :)

[Marie]

This is very nice--I'm flattered.

[layla]

I have really come to understand Benny and like him a lot! I love your stories! thanks for the inspiration!