Sweet Immature Love

A young boy and what he does that is funny universal to all young boys

James enjoys dirt, his clothes stay a mess
cars, planes, and trains, but likes this girl jess
jess is his neighbor, taunts and he tease
climbing big trunks, a full grown oak tree

he runs to the house, up the stairs to his room
his speed was riveting, he swarmed and he zoomed
shut the door quickly, and sat on his bed
his mother walked in, his faced turned quite red

in suspicion she asks, what did you do
chewing on gum, a bubble he blew
James one more time, tell me the truth
don't test my limits, ill ground your whole youth

she slowly walks over, and james starts to squirm
her tone went from questioning, to talking real firm
james looks to his mom, ill never climb that oak tree
for what he was doing, and what he wanted to see

that pretty girl jess, he lives for to tease
ill never do it again, he promises please
second floor bedroom, belongs to sweet jess
james climbed that oak, to see her undress

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Reviews

[Ufi Auttorri ~ UfoAutho..]

Very nice, Layla. It's really quite charming! Personally, I find a refreshing, youthful honesty in Jame's curiosity of 'le difference'. As for length, style, and other minor defects - they take backstage to the story and pacing that I think are spot-on. Well done.

[Marie]

Shame, shame--mothers always get at the truth.

[Mark D]

"in suspicion she asks, what did you do
chewing on gum, a bubble he blew
James one more time, tell me the truth
don't test my limits, ill ground your whole youth"

I loved that stanza the most. It had the best flow and was the most quirky. Really brilliant.

In this style of poem I think you could make it a little more concise. I don't think it has to be as long and as a result little parts sound slight forced e.g. "james looks to his mom, ill never climb that oak tree for what he was doing, and what he wanted to see." That part wasn't as quirky and slick as the rest.

You have a definite and real talent for writing in this style, that is as clear as day. Some of the couplets are amazing! "she slowly walks over, and james starts to squirm her tone went from questioning, to talking real firm". That was fantastic.

With this style of poem I think it is essential that you don't waste a single word. I love how how capture the idea of telling a real tale with so few words though and you definitely wrap this up well.

I very much agree that you have all the talent to write a good series of children's stories and I'd very much encourage you to do so. Please don't limit yourself to just this though as you have so much to offer in other areas of writing.

Really enjoyed this and well impressed. Well done!

[layla]

thank you Mark! haha your right i feel i need to drag it out to capture what i'm trying emulate. I love your comments and they are most helpful! i'll work on one today and send it to you. based on your critique. Your so helpful and I appreciate it so much. ...I'll talk to you later!

[Stanley Wilson]

great poem brings memories of when i was small and also when my daughter was little too

[Patient Poet (Yos)]

I love your style :)
naughty James :)

[layla]

hahah thanks! lol lets be honest.....every boy growing up always peeked on the cute neighbor girl next door lol

[Patient Poet (Yos)]

I still do lol

[soady]

This is a really cute song! I imagine it being read to children, although it is a bit dirty... I guess I wouldn't make a good parent. Anyway, I had fun reading it and got carried away by the rhythm. A lovely childhood story!

[layla]

thanks! lol im thinking of writing a children's book and see where it gets me. my talent is rhyming. so i guess children's book are the way to go!