Pain Put to Rest

Sad dark story

Pain Put To Rest

Try to imagine, your self in a place

No one acknowledges, your presence or face

Why don’t they hear me, or look when I speak

Is the clothes that I wear, that makes me a freak

 

You all are the reason, for the pills that I take

Last year I was cornered, almost drowned in a lake

They left me for dead; i still hear their sounds

The horrible laughs, while I lay on the ground

 

Two years have gone by, since that late night may

When my body was used, my vision left gray

They said I was pretty, they liked my spring dress

do I need to explain, you all know the rest

 

Imagine your life, and each passing year

Your memories bad, and your future you fear

But its over for me, no more tears I will shed

Im taking these pills, as I get ready for bed

Call with FONcall™

[phone]

Connecting

Connected

Call failed

bug?

Reviews

[Mark D]

I like this for sure and can sense real sadness in it. Lines like "The horrible laughs, while I lay on the ground" make it very real and quite haunting.

In the first stanza you mention no-one looking at you or hearing you when you speak and then you mention being a freak. This doesn't quite sit with me. I don't associate being invisible with being a freak, quite the opposite in fact.... hope you get what I mean.

The line "Two years have gone by, since that late night may" seems too forced to rhyme with the next line. That sentence should really end "May night".

I really like you writing in this style. It has a very authentic feel to it and you express yourself beautifully.

As a general point I would personally recommend that you lose the wee description at the start if your poems. In this one it says "sad dark story". I don't think they are needed. Your writing is good enough and clear enough that the meaning(s) shine through on their own. Let the reader decide if it's a "sad dark story" for themselves? I would prefer to read your excellent work without the preconception.

Good job on this one

[layla]

I understand what your saying. What I'm trying to get across is how a person who is so familiar with being that odd person that no one acknowledges may feel. If your ignored and its not a personal choice. many questions can run through your mind...why am i ignored? is it the way i talk? the way i dress? the way i walk?... I want to be noticed, i want to be liked. but what it is that makes me such a freak... i hope that helped Sir Mark. Again your pretty awesome to give such helpful advice with everything. you are a favorite on here!

[Rob Santana]

OMG! WHAT A DEEP AWESOME WRITE! RAW & BRUTAL,NO BEATING AROUND THE BUSH. YOU TELL IT LIKE IT IS. I LOVE IT! I LOOK FORWARD TO READING MORE OF YOUR WORK. THIS ONE HERE IS GOING IN MY LIBRARY.

[layla]

I'm so happy you enjoyed it! I love this one too. very much.