Open Letter Series-An Open Letter to My Ex

A Poem by P. Kapper

Now that my divorce is final, it's time to publish this

AN OPEN LETTER TO MY EX

Finally, there’s resolution. A day that twenty-four years ago we never thought about ever happening, happened. Seven and a half years ago we decided we had enough. It wasn’t working. I broke our wedding vows. I put the final dagger in what little was left of our marriage. Seventeen years of struggle, seventeen years of trying to keep our walls from caving in, years on marital life support and it finally took it’s last gasp of air. There was nothing left to give.

We married at 19. We had no clue what we were doing. We had no idea how to make a relationship work, let alone a marriage. But you were pregnant and so we did what we were told we should do, get married. It never was easy and it never seemed to work. And eventually we both gave up but drifted on because it was best for the kids. Besides, I believed I couldn’t afford to move on. So, I stayed. We stayed. We never really tried.

And so, we stopped. Too much anger, too much hatred, too much animosity turned us from lovers to friends to strangers to enemies.

Then we seemed to figure it out. We started talking. We started caring. In ending the marriage, we found we could be friends. We started getting along. We made a different arrangement and it clicked. I didn’t mind coming home from work. I didn’t mind being single but living with my best friend. It was all coming together. We went out to eat. We enjoyed each other’s company. We gave up on love and found like. I was happy, it was convenient and it worked. It was a lie!

The mirage you created lasted three years. I found someone else. You were happy for me. I found the perfect situation. I was wrong. Dead wrong.

Your transformation from caring friend, estranged wife, and devoted mother to narcissistic monster was surprising, disappointing and unforgiving.

You were the woman who I watched struggle as her father practically disowned her, struggling to cope with the abandonment from that. You watched as your stepfather tore a hole in your mother’s heart and home. This isn’t a competition, but while I only spoke to another woman, he completely bankrupted his marriage several times over.

I watched as your mother forgave him. She didn’t forget no doubt. But she forgave. She became great friends with his new love interest. You forgave him for hurting your mother, the one person above all that you would take a bullet for. He and his new love became part of your family. You all spent holidays together, he helped take care of your mother’s home, a home he once shared. There were financial agreements and a house and cars that nobody worried about becoming a difficult burden.

I thought I would be afforded the same courtesy. After all, I never slept with her. We both knew it was over. I just gave you the final nail in the coffin. But my new love and I would no doubt be welcomed in with open arms, just like you all allowed your dad to be. I was wrong. Dead wrong.

You turned on me faster than the leaves in the fall. You made life hell for me. And when I was finally able to get the courage and money to leave, you did the one thing I never in a million years thought you would do, you tried to tear my kids away from me.

Sure, you told them of the heinous act I committed. Our daughter, just 15 at the time, a teenager who had let it be known after finding out about her grandfather that she would never let a cheater into her life, turned on her father because he hurt her mother deeply. A mother who she hero worshiped. I became the monster to her, the boogeyman, the sum of all fears.

But did you tell her why? Of course not. You were perfect and I cheated on you anyway. We won’t talk about the YEARS that I spent working nights, only to stay up and take both kids to school and you to your mother’s house so you could volunteer your services (that’s right, no pay) to her daycare. I, the single earner in an era where single earners don’t make enough to cover the bills, sacrificed my sleep and my sanity so that you could be there for your mother. I came home, maybe got 2 hours of sleep, before getting the kids from school and you from your mother’s. I worked for YEARS on one or two hours of non-consecutive sleep. They would ask why I was so miserable. Not once did I tell them that their mother would not get her license. Not once did I tell them that I had to work so hard and for so many hours so they didn’t go without because their mother never worked a full-time job. Not once.

When my daughter reached out to me six months after I moved out, I truly thought we were going to finally reconnect. I was wrong. Dead wrong.

Instead, I sat in a restaurant as my fifteen-year-old daughter tore me to shreds informing me that she didn’t need me in her life. She didn’t want me in her life. I ruined her mother’s life and, in turn, ruined hers. She was lost to me. Did I tell her all of the things that you did that caused me to make the choices I made? Of course not. I chose the high road. I vowed to not bad mouth you. I still haven’t. I didn’t tell her about the years and years that we sat in a loveless marriage, just going through the motions. I didn’t tell her how she learned nothing of what love is from watching her parents because there was no love to be had. There were no hugs. There were no kisses. There was no affection. There was nothing. No, I did not. I accepted my fate.

In her mind, poisoned by you, I wanted this. She was told she was replaced. She asked me if I was going to leave my new love and her daughter once her daughter stopped being adorable. Yes, that was what she said. I wonder where she picked that up from?

For once in my life, I was happy. For the first time in a very long time, I was in love. I had someone who truly cared for me. All my daughter knew was that I had a new child to spend my time with. Did you know that you can love children who aren’t biologically yours AND love your own children just the same? It’s crazy but it’s true. But my daughter will never see that. Thank you for that.

And for all of that, I sit here in a position that I never thought I would see myself in. A position where I cannot forgive you. I cannot forget and I cannot forgive. I hope that one day my daughter sees that the poison you filled her head with about me was wrong. Maybe one day she will see that I’m not the monster. Maybe one day she will understand that I did all I could. You can’t get blood from a stone and we couldn’t get even an ounce of love out of our marriage. Maybe she will one day see that you are the reason that she doesn’t have a relationship with her father. Maybe she will discover that while I’m on this Earth. Because I will not disown her like your father did to you. How could you aid and abet putting your own child through what you went through?

I’m so thankful that you were unable to turn our son against me. I’m so thankful of that. You know what is a great feeling? Watching my own son act like a big brother to the now-15-year-old who will become his step-sister. Because he sees that his father is not a monster. Oh, but he’s learning. He’s learning that his mother isn’t the all-in mother-of-the-year that you always made yourself out to be. You are shockingly vile. You are deceitful and a sad, sad human. And you don’t deserve this letter but I need it for me, not you. You don’t even get a special font.