A Mindfull of Nothing

Exodus 2:1-4

Life through a kaleidoscope of wonders.

I'm amused, although confused;

I trip my way home,
For short waters i roam;

Is life too short or is it too long?

If it's too long, am i doing something wrong?
How could this be?
Floating numb through the deep sea...

Until i understand, i reached land
In the hands of my receiver
Carrying babies through the river
Ancient and old, only years ago...

Author's Note

Give me your thoughts and opinions! Also, if you see any grammar issue or misspel let me know, help me imporve my language.

Reviews

[CLR9]

Well, the title says it all.

[kaoswithak]

Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

[emipoemi]

You weave a thought-provoking message into this narrative about Exodus. It has great flow and imagery, making us feel the journey that Moses took in the basket that seems to ask us as well to apply it all to the present.

Corrections: Grammatically - "Is life TOO short or is it TOO long"
Poetically - Stanza 2 Line 2 is too wordy and too long. It all can basically be shortened down to "Am I doing something wrong?" and convey the exact same message.
Also, you have a few lines in the past while others in the present. Do you mean to speak in past or present? It would be much more powerful if you wrote it all in the present.

Well done overall! Much enjoyed.

[kaoswithak]

Corrections made. Thank you very much!I meant to speak in both the past and the present, taking the biblical story to the present days.I associated the story as someone who was just roamming in their head and had the luck to find themselfs, the same way Moises was found, leading him to be someone of great importance.

[emipoemi]

Just something to think about: it would make the message quite more powerful if everything was the present. It adds the charm that you're taking the story and modernizing it. Trust me, go present. You can hear and feel the difference.

[kaoswithak]

I shall trust you then.