memory trigger

I'm a shell of a being 

over the last couple of years 
I've watched as I become someone 

I don't know or remember 

the truth is for as long as I can remember 

I've never really knew who I was 

I was dealt some messed up cards growing up

sometimes it surprises me that I'm still here 

that I'm still breathing 
that somehow my body didn't decide to shut down 

give up 

and say no more 

I've had a rough start in the world 
but I've always been optimistic
I'm going to grow up
I'm going to have friends who care for me
i'm going to have a family of my own, who will love me
turns out i was dead wrong
I struggle through high school
I struggle battling with the demons
inside my head
the ones who constantly tell you to give up
always waiting to see you fail 
and laugh at you so loud
makes you want to hit your head with a rock
to stop them from mocking you  
the demons who feed of your tears 
and struggles 
who tell up you are worthless
and that no one could love you
if they somehow had a glimpse of what goes on
inside your head
i remember talking to them
and they told me
who is gonna love you?
who wants a sad girl?
who wants girl that has been touched and kissed 
by older man
a girl who is so moody
one moment I am laughing with my friends
next I am in my room
taking a hot shower
amd crying the phrase
I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm safe, I'm good, I'm good, I love me, I'm okay, I'm okay
until i am unable to breath
then comes the rage
the anger
the ugly parts of me
who i can't believe is living and breathing inside of me
I'm banging my head against the bathroom mirror
trying so desperately to feel anything
just anything
but this 
Now I am wondering
what trigger it?
I was just fine?
Was it that little girl at the shops?
was it that certain smell?
was it the sex scene?
or the text he just sent
was it the jeans
I am wearing 
Because I swear i was wearing jeans that day
what was it?
I am re-living it
I'm looking at my self in the mirror
full of self hate 
I'm scared
eyes full of tears 
just waiting for me to blink
before i start a waterfall 
I'm a mess! 
  

Author's Note

The structure and my writing is everywhere at the moment.
Give me feedback on how to better structure my writing

Reviews

[Iris]

I'm not going to comment on the content. It's good and genuine. However, you need to think about where you want to put you question marks and your grammar. When you write a poem, look it over once and read it out aloud to yourself and any mistakes you have will reveal themselves to you. Mostly. t's good you started off with an element of mystery. It added taste to your otherwise confused tone of your poem.
It's really good, keep writing.

[KMK]

Thank you Iris for you feedback and guidance :)

[Iris]

You're very welcome. Any time.