Blueprint

I'm back to loneliness 

back to my own thoughts 

my insecurities 

outlying my flaws 

I'm back to this apartment 

back in this room that somehow seems to consume my thoughts 

and write my failures in red

on my white walls 

I'm back to thinking about that assessment piece 

and my failing GPA 

I'm back to the pressure 

disappointing my family 

another failing semester 

I'm back to making excuses so paper thin

I'm on the edge again 

and i wanna call that boy 

the who comes around only when it suits him 

and i let him 

he takes pieces of me that i never seem to get back 

I'm back to self-hate 

I just bought bleaching cream 

I'm just another being 

caught up in the ideal of a perfect being 

of a perfect life and pure happiness 

i was feed to believe that happiness 

comes in orders 

and necessary steps 

and if i somehow to not follow the blueprint

which is handed to me I'm on a road to self distract 

It seems like i cant just wake up today and choose happiness 

there's a structure for it 

and time for it 

I'm supposed to be a good girl 

love Jesus 

honor my parents 

respect my elders 

be pretty as a picture 

long hair, fair skin, not too dark but no too white 

go to school and do well 

get into University and a get a qualification 

work and save up 

and maybe before my 26 birthday 

have a guy propose to me 

get married 

start a family 

and maybe just maybe happiness will come knocking on my door. 

I'm just another being 

following the blueprint. 

Author's Note

ignore grammar problems

This piece is a bit depressing