The Shelter

He was running out of breath. His toes went over the edge, and a low growling noise came from behind him. He only had a few seconds to make to make the decision that could get him killed.

The cold, hard ground numbed Caspar's cheek. His eyes fluttered open, and his surroundings absorbed him. A dusty, rusted desk sat in the dark corner with a notebook and pen atop it. A steel box fastened with a lever was situated under the flickering, old bulb hanging from the low ceiling.  A noise came from the other end of the room, and Caspar rolled over to see his uncle standing in the door way of the tiny shelter, holding a large wooden crate. 

"Uncle 'Ric, you're home." he groggily spoke. 

"My trip was cut short. I didn't get as much as i'd hoped." He limped across the room and dumped the contents of the crate into the steel box. Caspar sat up.

"Are you gonna have to leave again?" he asked, with a worried expression. 

"Not right away, but eventually."

Caspar wondered why his uncle's trip has been abridged, but decided to turn a blind eye. Caspar recalls why he avoids discussing certain subjects with his uncle, especially when it comes to his food trips. A several years ago, Alaric  came home with dried blood and bruises along his hairline and  down his neck. Caspar was stymied to see there were no biscuits or soup in the wooden crate this month, and brought up the issue with Alaric.

"Uncle 'Ric, why are you hurt? And why didn't you bring dinner?" Caspar was only a child, for he did not know what problems this would instigate. Alaric shoved Caspar out of his way as he walked to the back of the room. 

"Do not ask me that again, Caspar. Do you understand? I worked my a*s off to get that food just to have it stolen from me. No more questions."  Alaric did not seem too exultant at the moment, so Caspar decided to sit quietly in his faction of the room and draw on the shelter walls. 

Caspar remembered that day too vividly for his liking. It was the only time he recalled that his uncle had mistreated him. It was not the only time he came home with injuries, though that is a story for another time.

Author's Note

I would really like some feedback on this so far, and if you think i should continue. I really don't know the plot yet, so some ideas would be great! thanks.

Reviews

[CRBain]

So far so good, though i'd like to see more. The best advice I can give you is this; don't feel like you have to use words less used in average vocabulary because you're a writer. Words like "abridged" sort of work in their context, but 'shortened' works better and flows more naturally. Avoid using words you aren't 100% comfortable using, otherwise you end up using them incorrectly which obviously brings the reader out of the story (like stymied). Don't let the pretension of other writers taint you, a naturally written story will always beat out one that was forced to sound more academic.

[Nikhil Ranka]

You are gifted at the written word, no doubt. Though you need a lot of practice to reach perfection, which is good since you are quite young. All you really need to know about writing: Stick with it. Stick with it and never give up, even when all of the world's against you, mocking your words. Mark of a true writer.

Your descriptions, expression of your environment is your strength. Really enjoyed the first paragraph. And your dialogues are you weakness - monotonous, both, Uncle and Casper sound pretty much the same. Try not to write dialogues as you would write prose. Read works of Mark Twain, you'll understand what I'm trying to say.

Eg: "'Uncle Ric, you're home.' he groggily spoke."
While you define his speech to be weak and dazed, it doesn't show in the dialogue itself. Hence, when you use the adverb 'groggily' to define your character's speech it's not substantiated with the dialogue that precedes it. And your reader wouldn't feel that your character's speech is dazed and weak.

You can use your dialogues to define your characters. The uncle seems more rough and severe, you can express this quality in his speech.
Eg. "My trip was cut short. I didn't get as much as i'd hoped." can read: "Ahh, the damn trip was cut short. Couldn't get as much as I bloody hoped!" Well, something on those lines. Even I'm quite raw myself.

Anyway, I can pretty much dissect all the pieces. But, if you are looking for really good points on your writing, and you wish to improve. You can start off with dialogues. They make and break your story.

Finally, the only way you can become a really good writer is by reading really good literature. Works of the greats and seek inspiration from their work.

“One must always be careful of books," said Tessa, "and what is inside them, for words have the power to change us.”

― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel

I hope this review is helpful and constructive. I apologize if it comes across as ridicule. Not my intention. You are good at it, stick with it and don't quit. And the only way you improve your writing is by writing more and more and more. :)

[Matthew-Ryan Willams]

Work ok your fluidity its way to Clucky to follow in places. Pick a diction I like advanced words just as much as the next reader but when context clues as to what they men are lacking around them think of toning them down. Its interesting I'll say that and it exudes your fascination with supernatural. I'll say it could be a good piece of work if you work on your craft. I look forward to seeing exactly what you do with it.