Okay for starters it’s not my wedding day. It’s
been over a month since the result came. I’m cool. I’m awesome. Are you kidding
me? What do you expect? That I’m happy? That I don't care? No. I am not happy.
And all the crappy things I say that people call advice, that’s for them. Not
me. I promise myself that I’ll study today, I’ll study tomorrow; but I end up
watching last two seasons of how I met your mother in two days. That’s
literally 24 hours approximately. Am I insane? Who should I talk to? I don't want
their pity stuff. I don't want them to ‘oh honey’ me. So what do I do? I write
it all up. That’s right. Throw all your frustration at me (says laptop). It's
so scary. Everyone keeps telling me ‘ I’m there…I’m there…’ but the fact is at
the end of the night when I open my books it's just me, all by myself. And
there is nothing I can do about it. This sucks. But what can I do? My mom is
seeing an astrologer to fix my fucked up life. I am ashamed. I am ashamed of
waking up every morning knowing that I am something, I have talents but I still
can’t do anything about it. I make bad decisions. Nothing works out for me. But
the truth is I don’t want this. I want a life where I can wake up and feel good
about myself I want a little independence. I want to do something with this
girl in me that pretty much everyone says is awesome but she thinks of herself
as a complete failure. I don't know anymore. What if this not a freak out? What
if this is a wake up call? I have heard ‘nobody loves their job’ but at least
they are somewhere settled. I don’t even know anymore that I want to be writer
or I just want to write. I love to write. It's because it brings something out
of me that’s frustration. I’ve written so much in times and I know I’m not even
that good. But I want to do something that I really like doing. Adding some
debits and credits to get couple of bucks doesn’t make me happy. Earlier at least
I was moving somewhere in life. Now I am just stuck. “Doing big” yeah that’s
the dream. But how is that even possible. Life is nothing like I imagined it
would be. For one thing I was sure is if
I love a guy she will knows all about him. But here we are on two different
paths. It's just so complicated some times. And I can’t share it with anyone. She
is the one person I’m still hung over on in these two years. How can I forget
her? Pretty soon she’ll be leaving India she has moved on and she will settle.
But I, I am still at the place I was two years before….yes if u really want to
know I am freaking out.