Freak out

it is dairy of a lost person

Okay for starters it’s not my wedding day. It’s been over a month since the result came. I’m cool. I’m awesome. Are you kidding me? What do you expect? That I’m happy? That I don't care? No. I am not happy. And all the crappy things I say that people call advice, that’s for them. Not me. I promise myself that I’ll study today, I’ll study tomorrow; but I end up watching last two seasons of how I met your mother in two days. That’s literally 24 hours approximately. Am I insane? Who should I talk to? I don't want their pity stuff. I don't want them to ‘oh honey’ me. So what do I do? I write it all up. That’s right. Throw all your frustration at me (says laptop). It's so scary. Everyone keeps telling me ‘ I’m there…I’m there…’ but the fact is at the end of the night when I open my books it's just me, all by myself. And there is nothing I can do about it. This sucks. But what can I do? My mom is seeing an astrologer to fix my fucked up life. I am ashamed. I am ashamed of waking up every morning knowing that I am something, I have talents but I still can’t do anything about it. I make bad decisions. Nothing works out for me. But the truth is I don’t want this. I want a life where I can wake up and feel good about myself I want a little independence. I want to do something with this girl in me that pretty much everyone says is awesome but she thinks of herself as a complete failure. I don't know anymore. What if this not a freak out? What if this is a wake up call? I have heard ‘nobody loves their job’ but at least they are somewhere settled. I don’t even know anymore that I want to be writer or I just want to write. I love to write. It's because it brings something out of me that’s frustration. I’ve written so much in times and I know I’m not even that good. But I want to do something that I really like doing. Adding some debits and credits to get couple of bucks doesn’t make me happy. Earlier at least I was moving somewhere in life. Now I am just stuck. “Doing big” yeah that’s the dream. But how is that even possible. Life is nothing like I imagined it would be.  For one thing I was sure is if I love a guy she will knows all about him. But here we are on two different paths. It's just so complicated some times. And I can’t share it with anyone. She is the one person I’m still hung over on in these two years. How can I forget her? Pretty soon she’ll be leaving India she has moved on and she will settle. But I, I am still at the place I was two years before….yes if u really want to know I am freaking out.

Author's Note

any kind of review is appriciated

Reviews

[Lyingwithlions]

The fact that the girl is questioning the freak out is proof that she is aware of herself.
Therefore I believe she is truly alive and growing in a positive direction. I would compare the freak out to climbing up a set of stairs into the unknown. Does she take that next step up towards uncertanay and the unframilair? Or does she turn around and step back down to her stale comfort that has lead her to these stairs in the first place? I think she should run up those steps.

[Tomoe Tellez]

Writing is the best way to let out your feelings when you are alone. This is great, I can see the frustration she feels.

[AvidYogi]

I'll be honest!
There are some grammatical mistakes
But, writing is about expressing not grammar!
Your thoughts are clear.
Though ending was not clear enough.
You need to calm down. Your biggest enemy right now is only you.
The only thing b/w you amd your success is you.
So don't make yourself your biggest enemy.
Make peace with yourself.
Good luck! :)

[Parul Sharma]

everyone feels that way once in a life time ....great way to express..

[Deepak Belbase]

Sometimes I wonder how anybody can read you like a book. I found it somewhere similar like my situation. It was exactly the reflection in mirror but somehow it tells you the story of human sense. A very cleaver writing & your Writing Style is good enough to attract everyone... Superb..

[S.P.GORAI]

nice...........................................................................

[Ben Noah Suri]

The mental torment comes through very nicely... Just follow your inner voice and be yourself, my friend..

[Kajal Sharma]

thank you Suri...:)

[Phil Roberts]

i love this kind of free flowing writing. an odd mix of discipline and freedom involved. it helps to create the frantic atmosphere of the piece. very impressive : )

[Kajal Sharma]

thank you Phil

[Jane Taylor Hardy]

I like the stream of consciousness effect this has. When you love writing what there is to do is write! I think the world needs to offer more jobs for artists with pay commensurate with that of the hard sciences. An open, vulnerable and honest write.

[Kajal Sharma]

thank you jane

[Eliot Knight]

Well, one thing I don't understand is if you are a guy in love with a girl, a girl in love with a guy (with pronoun errors) or Lgbta+ ?
Now since I myself am more of a advice giver/helper/doesn't know s**t but somehow manages to make it work for others, I will say this.
Realistically speaking, every person, all 6 billion of us have dreams, we have passions and desires, all 6 billion of us, so what dictates success? There are a lot of criteria a person must match along with luck and destiny ( yes I believe in those things, even if you dont you cant deny some people better equipped fail yet others with less to offer succeed). The most important thing a person needs, in my opinion is drive. without drive, we only slack, where does drive come from? soul searching. Look within yourself, what makes you YOU. what are your core impacts you. why you are the way you are, what experience gave you a certain trait, why do you react the way you do to things? so many questions to ask yourself.
I am not sure what age you are but from this passage I will take a guess of early 20's ?
People are different and many have been brought up with practical thinking , thus 'adding debits and credits' without blinking an eye, because their drive comes from money. Money is one of the best motivators around, you can call it shallow and perhaps it is but it has become a basic necessity, now if you, with all your intelligence and heart can not find satisfaction or motivation, clearly you are lacking the motivating factor.
I apologize for the long review and I am still not done!
After completing highschool, I had no option but to either take B.A. or B.Com and despite having the brains for it, I have -500 interest in accounting, yet here I am, why? because my family's history of financial troubles and fear of future made me take it up. I deeply regret it because B.A would have served fine in my quest for writing. Now, I wont go back on the commitment I have made and waste the money my dad has put in, but after I'm done with my studies, I'm going to study further, something that drives my soul. Money is not what motivates me, and yet I chose it out of fears, those fears were irrational and money is not constant, it comes and goes.
back to my initial point, not all of us can achieve greatness that is known by the world, not all of us leave behind a mark as deep that the entire world will notice, that does not mean we cant achieve greatness itself, or that we do not leave a mark. Everyday we leave an impression, by our actions and our words, on people and on things. Trust me when I say this, you have an impact, regardless of who you are and how you feel.
As for relationships, the best advice I can give you is to revolve your life around yourself, and make them a part of it, dont revolve your life around people and make yourself a part of them, people leave, not being cynical but realistically, people do leave, they either do it willingly or unwillingly or just simply die, when they leave you will be left with nothing, despite what the media has programmed us with, love is not a destination nor is it a goal, it is about finding someone who you can walk beside to make life easier hopefully, in the end you alone walk your path, make a path friend, dont walk behind another on their path. Trust me (again) the more you focus on you, the more things will start falling in place. It is not selfish at all, you arent trampling over anyone, and those who think it is or get hurt that you are not prioritising them, leave them, or make them understand, surround yourself with people who know you are just as important as they are, and if they are not willing to make sacrifices for you then they should not expect you to do so either, love is not only about sacrificing, encouraging and growing together.
Again, I apologize for the longevity but there is the point of how do you forget a person, when we fall in love its because the person meets our subconscious criteria, and again TRUST ME more than one person can fill those, once you stop believing in soul mates and 'I will never find another like him/her' your view on love with change, search yourself. knowing yourself is the biggest upperhand you can have.
You wont find yourself out there in the world, you will find yourself inside, you are the only person who knows you 100%, once you reach that point of knowing, you wont feel so helpless or frustrated, I could go on forever but Im going to stop now.
As for the writing, Im certain most of us can relate, I can too, having gone through it.

[Kajal Sharma]

The character is a girl in love with a guy. She had conflicts with her best friend and now that she is away she can't tell her about it...and you are right she is 20....and your review was really helpful..

[Eliot Knight]

I see, Im glad.