my story

my life story.

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“your not good enough to be a actress, your too skinny, too ugly, your hairs to short, too long, your skin is horrible, your personality sucks…” ect. Hearing those words everyday bring’s me down a notch or two at the least.  Just knowing  I will never, have never, and wont ever be good enough is what holds me back from the things I love each to do each  and everyday. Ive had a pretty arguably tough life. From being abused everyday, to foster care, to not knowing what im going to being coming home to each day wether my own mom has overdosed, got high, or just drinking again. Then going to my fathers was a whole different story. The abusement. I got my first tough outlook on life starting at the age of only 4 years old.  My mom, Gina, enrolled me in Lloyd George Elementary School ( Ecole Elementere Pour La Francais) the first day of school I was shy and nervous, I ended up making tons of friends. 3 years passed and now I was in grd 4, all I remember was being teased each and everyday for the way I looked and the way I dressed and acted. Me and my mom were on welfare at the time, and it was really difficult for us, we had to buy all of our groceries and food from the dollar store. I Had so much respect for my mom, she worked her a*s off just so we had a roof to live under. Everyday was a new struggle to come by.  3 more years passed and now it was time to go back to school for grd 7 after the winter holidays. It was my moms friends birthday and later that night my mom had been drinking just a little bit too much, she said she was able to drive, and I wasn’t worried, I trusted her. On the way home from the birthday my mom was swerving along the road, laughing, at this point, I was just downright scared. We were at the bottom of a hill and all I remember was we drove off the road and went down the embankment. We were rushed to the hospital and we were there for 23 hours, and for those 23 hours, I had no clue wether my own mom was ok or if anything had happened to her. Then immediately she bursts into my hospital room and hugs me as tight as he could crying so hard. All I did was smile. Later on about 3 weeks later  I found out I would no longer be seeing my mom and I had to go into foster care because my  mom was in “unstable” condition and my dad was “unable” to take care of me. So I moved into my new house and it was s**t. I started to be depressed again. I treated everyone like s**t, I started to do selfharm, and starve myself. I would cry every night. I decided I would call social services and move out. I moved out the day I called and her house got shutdown. Little did I know the neew house I would move into was my uncles girlfriends sisters house. I love her so much and im glad she had the patience to withstand me, because without her, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.  About a year and a half later my dad decided he wanted me to ba apart of his life, so he invited me to come and live with him. I said yes. He said he wanted to change, to stop being a alcoholic, so he went to nanimo for a month and got help at a treatment center for alcoholics and drug addicts, during his stay there for a month, me and my baba and grandpa decided to visit him, it was the most amazing time I think ive ever had. Seeing him getting help.  When we got home back to Kamloops, that amazing feeling went away and I went back to being depressed. My baba took me in to get tests done to see what was wrong with me. The results came back and I had been diagnosed with depression and AHDH. We phoned up my dad and asked him if he wanted me to start taking pills for depression and ADHD or not. He said no, so I kept on living and I started getting better and better each and everyday I spent with my father, turns out, a month later I wasn’t depressed anymore, I was happy again J. Grd 8 started, and all my memories of being made fun of and having no friends flooded back to me, I was a looser. I had no friends the entire year and I got bad grades, and the only place I was happy was at home. Summer began , theschool year passed and for some reason, I started caring about popularity and looks, so when grd 9 started up, I started to focus on looks and friends, and not give 2 s***s about school,  so im not quite to shure if I have even passed grd 9 or if I have to redo it. But now it’s the last day of summer, and tomorrow school is starting up and my goals are just to focus on school. From everything ive been through, everything, if ive learned one thing, it’s ; Life, it goes on.

 

Update: so.. im halfway through grade 10 now and it’s a lot of hardwork but I guess you could say its kinda going by way faster than I thought it would ! I’ve reconnected with a lot of my old friends including trey , holly , Fiona , Ashley , Alana , halle , oh and way more , but my life has been really stressful , I have a mental breakdown once or twice a week to the point where I just want to die. I have lots of cuts, all up my leg and left arm, I have to  wear long sleeve shirts and long pants all the time. If people from my school knew I cut, I would probally be the laughing stalk of the school and my life would practically turn to s**t (not that it isn’t already) . But just maybe a month or so ago , my dads buissness in Saskatchewan went from being a couple million dollar company to absolutely nothing. The regulations changed and we lost everything we had, it’s been really hard and stressful for me and I feel like such a fuckup. Everything is so hard and confusin to understand, one second im happy the next im bawling wishing I weren’t alive. I don’t exactly know how much longer I can cope with being like this. Im a Bi-polar f**k all the time and im just not acting like myself. Today I got caught from my dad stealing from the mall and I brokedown and told him how bad I felt for asking for money to go Christmas shopping and he broke down to. Me and my dad are really close now, I tell him everything. But to be honest, it kills me having to see him cry every morning on my way to school because he thinks hes a failure and not a good dad. Im just done. The other day I had to go to the doctors office and get some anti depressants because my cutting and depressiong and everythings getting worse. My cuts are so deep on my leg one of them almost reached my bone, it got infected and I needed stitches. But ya idk I guess ill keep you all updated, im tired. Bye.

 

 

 

 

*Note : This isn’t the whole story, I’ve left a lot out for personal reasons

Reviews

[kaitaiakinea4]

hiiiii, update ! so its december 17th 2012, woa world ends in a couple days , oh well, anyways , i've been absolutly amazing, ive been smoking alot of weed lately and its been helping with my depression so much, it takes my mind off everything, and helps me sleep at night, i haven't cut in 3 WHOLE FRICKEN WEEKS