BE LIKE SEA

THIS POEM JUST TEACHES YOU TO ALWAYS LOOK AHEAD IN LIFE AND NEVER FALL DOWN BY A MERE FALIURE

BE  LIKE  SEA

I am standing on a shore,

And loving the sea for sure,

How much this sea teaches?

Some important life’s chapter,

Just like sea high tide ,

Just like sea low tide,

Our life is full of high and low,

But we should learn

Like sea  just go on,

Don’t be scare of lows,

As next is high for sure.

 

No matter how much junk you throw in sea,

But you will get pearl in return just see,

Be like sea,

Your life’s changes just see.

 

Just like sea,

Your life is full of people,

Some good , some devils,

But sea is patient with all,

You be same,

As  not everyone is lucky to have all,

 

Life  is  like  a  sea,

We are people who stand on shore ,

Some are afraid to even go to sea ,

They keep on standing on shore,

Their life is stagnant without up and downs,

But then there are people who are fearless,

Adventurous they are.

They decide to go on ride of sea named life,

But before the end they lose patience ,

And die in between,

 

Then some are patient like sea,

Till the end they keep on going like sea,

They reach the other shore ,

And ‘successful’ they are called,

 

I am going on ride named life,

Being patient ,being full of life,

As the other shore a reach ,

‘Successful’ should I be called.

Author's Note

please feel free to share your views i am new to all this blogging and may end up making mistake but feel free to hare ur views

Reviews

[DB Heinemann]

Yea, ok, this wasn't so bad. Few suggestions:

I'm not 100% sure if English is your first language but in this poem, it sounds like you have an accent. So you have two options if that's the case- you can either play that up or correct it completely. Playing it up is going to give it more rural, authentic feel to it and if that's how you're going to go with it, I'd suggest adding a quick background like you're standing on the shores of your hometown in India or wherever. Correcting it completely is going to make it sound like it's coming from someone maybe older, definitely more well read and possibly wiser. If that's the direction you'd like to go, you'd have to get rid of all the grammatical mistakes and mis-sayings.

Now, typically with poems, you want to have a certain kind of present tense that carries a certain confidence with it and you definitely want to avoid simply listing things. So I'd suggest starting out with "I stand on the shore/I love this sea for sure" or "On the shore I stand/staring at the sea I love" or something to that affect.

Some of your metaphors weren't that clear or didn't sound right like "No matter how much junk you throw in sea/But you will get pearl in return just see" Throwing "junk" in the ocean actually causes entire sea creature and reef lives to die. Pearls really come from little parasites that find their ways in clams and stuff, not ocean trash. You could still use that kind of general meaning but I'd rewrite it to something like "a parasite can find its way in a clam yet the clam turns it into a pearl". Making something beautiful out of something that isn't.

And this part confused me "Just like sea/Your life is full of people". I'm guessing you meant the sea is full of various sea creatures just like your life is full of people- good and bad. But out of context, it sounds like you're saying the sea itself is full of people which its not. It's full of marine animals. Might want to explain that a bit more.

Also: "You be same/As not everyone is lucky to have all". Did you mean not everyone is lucky to have anyone at all- good or bad? Or did you mean not everyone is lucky to have patience? I'm not sure.

I liked this line though "Their life is stagnant without ups and downs"- it was a smooth comparison to how someone lives their life and water. I think you could expand on that throughout the stanza for the other two types of currents. People who are fearless but impatient are like the big waves that start off tall and strong then come crashing down and fall on the beach, never to be seen again. Then people who are patient are like the currents. They steadily go from one ocean to the next which helps to carry all these sea creatures from one ocean to the next in the same way people who work hard are able to use their successes to help overs. Or the fact that successful people can carry their weight throughout their journey.
The poem throughout is a little choppy and there isn't a whole lot of clear smoothness to it. I think those comparisons would help with that. I also think switching the second and third stanza would help. Also getting rid of this line "Life is like a sea" as it's pretty cliched or at least putting it more in the first stanza.

And rewriting this line "We are people who stand on shore" to something like "We are people that START OUT on the shore" (like baby turtles) because it makes more sense when going on to describe people that do not stand on the shore. It'll also add emphasis to the people that stay on the shore, going no where from where they started.

And I don't think the last stanza really fits in the poem. Sounds too sure of itself. I'd suggest rewriting that to make it sound more open-ended like "I hope I reach the next shore" or "I wish to be a current" or whatever. And maybe rewriting the first line like "I am riding this sea of life" or something like that- make it sound a little less cliche. Either that or changing it completely to some other ending that ties it all together.

I'd start with that and if you'd like me to read it again and give my thoughts, hit me up. Good first try.

[horizon]

This is good..really good...the depth of the thought is very nice...really good

[Coyote Poetry]

Powerful, strong and amazing use of words.
"I am going on ride named life,
Being patient ,being full of life,
As the other shore a reach ,
‘Successful’ should I be called."
The above lines. Words to live by. Thank you for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[KAINA SHAILJA]

Thanks for being encouraging .I am glad that you liked the poem

[Coyote Poetry]

I did enjoy the poem and you are welcome.

[Luna]

as far as i can see you have good ideas. I like the thought that you showed the sea as calm and cool as it is. sure there might be some grammer mistakes but the more you write the more you will learn and besides who cares about being perfect all you need to do is have fun in your work. thank you for inviting me to the sea it was wonderful :)

[Akansha]

A lesson given beautifully in the form a poem!

[KAINA SHAILJA]

Thanks...for reading

[wordman]

we should be like the sea,clever thoughts
i like the way you talk

[Caustic_Dystopia]

So, not bad just a few things. In my opinon your poem doesn't quite have a natural flow to it because of the grammatical errors and I think that might be because of the language barrier. I love the idea you're trying to get across I just don't think your writing quite reaches it. I've taken the liberty to rewrite the first stanza to give you some idea of what I mean.

"Here I stand on a shore,
this sea right here I adore
'cause it's not just water it's so much more.

Just like the sea life has highs and lows
And like the sea we learn to ebb and flow.

We shouldn't be scared when life gets us down
'Cause god things will happen, life won't let you drown."

I hope this helps and keep writing.