The Phone Line

Can lines of friendship, romance, and heartache be blurred?

She refused to cry, and so she was angry.

 

Anger, she reasoned, did not mean that you valued the opinions of the other person, but that their opinion was wrong and terrible, and that it's existence offended you. Anger was accpetable. Anger was safe.

Amanda stared at the words on the screen. Each of them shouted 'condescending' and 'cover up.' She could hear the tone in her head as she imagined the phrases falling out of his mouth.

"Could you be more conceited? I don't care anyway." She glared at them, willing them to be hollow words, void of meaning. But she knew better. She'd known Kyle long enough to know that he said nothing he didn't mean. Well, at least she thought he had. No, she thought, I'm not thinking about that right now!

"Conceited..." The word burned her. Conceited! He thinks I'm conceited when he's the one parading around with unclear intentions, expecting me to follow? Hmph!

"I don't care..." These words don't burn, rather they pierce like knives. Her eyes were wet once she looked again at them, but she told herself that she had worked it up in anger, not pain. Pain...

The upbeat melody of her cell phone disrupted her thoughts. She looked at the name of her caller.

Josh.

"Hello?" she spat into the phone before she'd even had time to wipe her eyes.

 

"Hey. What are you doing?" said an exhausted voice on the other end of the line.

"Oh, um...noth-nohting. What about you?" She hurried the last line, hoping to mask the emotion in her voice.

"Just got in from running. What's wrong? You sound...distant." The last word stung her. She winced before replying.

"Nothing... I'm... it's just..."

"Just what?" He'd sounded more concerned than Amanda thought appropriate, but she didn't mind. She like that he cared. At least someone does.

"Kyle," she sighed. The tensions on the other end of the line stiffened.

"What'd the prick do this time?"

'Nothing we just.." Amanda thought. Fought wasn't the right word. The hostility she'd encountered wasn't expected and so she'd had no defensive comeback. "We exchanged words."

Josh sighed heavily, almost violently, into the phone. "He really needs to give it a rest. If he doesn't watch out, I'll give him a reason to exchange something. How 'bout some teeth - "

"Don't worry about it. I'm - it's no big deal."

"I think you should stop talking to him," Josh offered, now calm and thoughtful, "Before he hurts you again." Hurts, pain... Amanda flinched again. If only it were so easy to just stop.

 

 

But it wouldn't be easy. Sure, it seemed like a good idea, especially here on the phone with Josh, where she felt safe and comfortable. But when it was just Amanda - Amanda and no Kyle - the world seemed off kilter. It was like, her vision was in color, but it was pixelized and grainy, not real. A world without Kyle would be as fake as the drawings in a comic book. A less painful world, but pain would be as welcome as any other emotion in contrast to the world insincerity.

"I'm considering it," she allowed. The only thing she was really considering was the fact that the thin excuse he had used to get off the computer was last thing he would say to her for a while. She didn't wince at the thought, but instead, clenched her teeth, again resorting to anger.

"Really, Amanda, you don't need him," Josh consoled. Then what do I need? she thought.

Just then an image occured to her. It was of her and Josh, laughing, smiling, having a good time, as they would whenever they are together. But something was different. Josh's smile hinted at subtle traces of awe in the presence of Amanda's laugh. And the spot where Amanda's hand touched his shoulder seemed to radiate a cool heat that she tried not to understand.

Too soon, she told herself, and the image was gone, leaving behind a pleasantess she couldn't resist taking notice of.

"I'll be okay."

"I hope so." And with a small laugh to herself, Amanda knew that she would be okay, as long as there was a smile on the other end of her phone line.