And Going

I tried something a little bit different with this poem.

Southern spring’s nights give birth to the sweet scent of mercy

And the quiet whisper of the wind

That traces the outline of my spine like fingertips.

I woke up to the sound of my own breathing again

 Sometimes my insides feel like they are shimmying, still

 

Last night I rode the bus home

It was just me and the bus driver

It was the usual deafening silence

 And the light turned red

We came to a halt

But the car next to us just kept going

And going

The bus driver’s tongue shook to an unfamiliar tune

‘Some people live to cause their own death’

He says.

And I don’t know whether to call him a prophet

Or just say thanks

As the bus doors open.

 

It’s raining now and I forgot my umbrella

I no longer have anything left to shield me from the elements

I watch rain droplets form and summersault off my skin

Like the purest kind of joy that just can’t last forever

I keep jumping in puddles

So I don’t have to hear how loud my heart is beating

Salt water emanates from my eyes and mixes with the wetness

I can’t tell if I’m drenched or drowning

Author's Note

Just tell me all the critiques you have.

Reviews

[dan]

Kate, your knack for storytelling is obvious, this piece had me wrapped up inside of it from the beginning. The conversational tone in which this is written suits the concept and wordplay very well. If this first review of your work is any indication of what is to come then I am in for a treat! I'm gladly accepting your friend request, nice to meet you. This piece is so good I'm placing it in with my library favorites, the first person whose first poem I've read to go in there. So you are joining a club...of one. take care...dan

[Katethepoet]

Thanks a lot Dan for your review and accepting my friend request . I'm really glad and appreciative that you feel that way about my poem .

[Chris]

With poetry it really isn't about likes or dislikes - it's about what we hear behind our eyes Kate. Every word has a voice - and each adds to or detracts from OUR sense of the rhythm - of life ...ours and others. The one stumbling point for ME in your work was line three. Why? - after several reads it really felt that the word "That" belonged at the end of line two - for vocal clarity and continuity. It felt more of a distraction to me as I tried to make verbal sense of your voice echoing.

[Katethepoet]

This is a good point . That does sound a bit hollow in the placing I selected . Thank you for the feedback .

[Lauren_The_Awesome]

A very interesting poem and an amazing way of putting your words together to make this. It is dark and can feel sadness. It's great and I feel like you'll be successful at writing poems.

[JayceeC]

The first strophe really sets the reader up for something far different than what you deliver in the rest of the poem. It reads a bit sultry and sensual, and then we move to the city buss which is raw and isolated in its feeling. There is a feeling of longing and loneliness but the images do not seem to flow from the first part to the second. The third is a bit better as you walk into the the rain, but I' sill not sure how we get from waking to the bus, and what the connection with the first part is. The word choice and imagery is very good in all three sections, but the message is a bit lost without the common thread holding it all together. I cannot wait to see what you start writing if this is the beginning of your work. It will be great!
Jaycee

[Katethepoet]

Thanks, this is a really solid perspective , I agree with your assessment and I really appreciate it.

[JayceeC]

You are quite welcome. If anything comes across as blunt, well that's just me. I'll look for ways to help you improve if/when I can. But please know that if I feel there is nothing to salvage I generally do not comment at all. So anything I post is done with the best of intentions. It is up to you to decide if it is helpful. I sometimes leave a piece as it is, and use the advise for another write. That is good as you have ownership and need to kwwp your work as yours despite anyone's suggestions.

[Joey Reams]

I think this was an amazing poem! So vivid and enticing. Very impressive

[Katethepoet]

Thank you so much for checking out my poem, I really appreciate your opinion .

[Mai L Nissen]

I love the strong images of emotion alongside the everyday scene. Nice flow of descriptions.
Though one thing that sticks out is:
"Salt water emanates from my eyes and mixes with the wetness" the word 'wetness' seems to be placed there in lack of a better word.

Apart from that I really enjoyed it!

[Katethepoet]

Thanks so much for reviewing my poem. I agree ,i'll probably change that word.

[ANTO]

Could I ask what was your final determination on the use of the word 'wetness' please? I see it is still there 3 weeks later after Mai's helpful review and I have a friend request from you in my mail. I like to know if a writer is making use of the advice given in reviews especially when they are as high quality reviews as some of the authors I have seen review your work (including my favourite story writer here). :)

[Katethepoet]

Yes, ofcourse. I just realized how to edit my poems after I have written them . I chose to maybe substitute it with the word 'swelter'. Maybe that's better, maybe it's not. Tell me what you think please.

[ANTO]

Thanks for humouring me Kate. I see the dilemma. I also see the sentiment you are trying to convey, not an easy one I agree. How does one describe liquid adding to more liquid...hmmm
How about dampness or damp ? :)

[Not here]

this is really a great piece and it is very full of imagery. i really like it. great job!

[Katethepoet]

Thanks for reviewing my poem, I really appreciate it. I can't wait to check out what you've been working on .

[Not here]

thanks :) id really appreciate that

[Jamestown]

Very well written piece of work, breaking up really sucks, great flow
and imagery, thanks for sharing and b-blessed!

[Katethepoet]

Thanks a lot for your review, I really appreciate your opinion. This isn't necessarily a break up poem though :)

[Katethepoet]

But I can definitely see how you got that interpretation, maybe it is a break up poem and I just didn't know it. Sometimes poetry is smarter than the poet.

[Jamestown]

My bad please do explain, I feel stupid?
Like the purist kind of joy that just can't last forever,
love?

[Katethepoet]

Oh don't feel stupid at all, I just let the poems do their own thing. I didn't sit down thinking I wanted to write a break up poem ,but it very well may be one. It's definitely about love , but not necessarily romantic love .

[Jamestown]

Now I might be on the same page, lol:)

[....................]

Written like a conversation piece you have captured the aftermath of a breakup maybe. It seems like you are coming around in the first stanza as the "scent of mercy" is born from a spring's night (what a beautiful image) and the "quiet whisper of the wind/That traces the outline of my spine like fingertips" (another terrific image) but soon remember the night before. Perhaps the bus ride is in fact the memory you have recalled about being left to drown in your own tears. Perhaps I am making all this up... who knows. But I see a woman who has been hurt and has nothing left to protect her from the elements of life, maybe. The speaker may be lost and drowning but the poetess knows her way around words. Great write!!

[Katethepoet]

You have a good perspective on this . I really appreciate you reviewing my poem:) I haven't been on in awhile and I'm excited to see what you've been working on.

[....................]

You are welcome but the pleasure is all mine to be able to read such wonderful poetry. I am glad you have made your way back and look forward to hearing what you have to say about my scribbles.

[Faeth Webb]

"shimmying" is an oddly joyful word for such a melancholy poem. Also, I don't know if water can mix with wetness, since it pretty much is wetness. I like the poem in general, though. I can't write unrhymed poems worth beans.

[Katethepoet]

I can see what your saying, thanks for reviewing my poem .