Ode To My Dissociation:She

I haven't really thought much about the title. I'm trying to infuse more vulnerability into my poems, so this is an attempt.

She is a vision

 I speak into existence

Whenever I need a stuntman

When the glass house I live in becomes too opaque

She cleans the windows

Introduces transparency into my world

 

I am a worm that crawls underground

And only comes up to breathe when it rains

I don’t like the rain

Or card games

Or telling stories I don’t believe belong to me

Nothing belongs to me

 

It all belongs to her

A girl with no face

Or body

Or history

Too many theories and narratives

And opinions.

 

When I falter with half truths

Editorialize the vulnerability

Out of the script I read daily

She will breathe life into my stories

Because borrowed stories

Always stay safe

 

 

When I stumble over my words

Trying to tell that story

That ends tragically with me on my knees

She will replace the words me with her

And knees with childhood

And tell more than the story of a

Mason jarred fireflies and tumbleweed adventured

Carefree girl

 

 

But I’m the only one who has knees here

And they’re filthy from trying

To escape the grave

I keep digging myself into

Or the version of childhood

I keep editing

Or forgetting even belongs to me.

But it’s starting to rain

And I don’t really want to come out

I’m afraid the grave will fill up with water

And I’ll drown

And I know she has no life jackets

I can hear the hail,

I’m terrified it’ll smash the glass

And shatter the things that protect me most.

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

I would love comments on anything and everything. I would like to you to not if there are any excessively vague parts of the poem. And I would like just general interpretations . Thanks.

Reviews

[Chauncey]

I read this three times and each time I got something different out of it. The first time I read it I thought about an introverted person trying to come up with more exiting things to help them with day to day life. The second read I felt as if it was somebody trying to create the perfect friend in their head and fill their memories with her. My third read sort of made me feel as if it was somebody creating a new identity online, a person they wish they could have been. All in all I really liked it and it made me think a little.

[Katethepoet]

Thanks for the feedback. Did you feel like it was vague in any areas?

[Chauncey]

Well I see how you asked if there were any excessive amounts of vagueness but I think it's got the right amount of both open to interpretation and hints at the intended meaning.

[AlexValkyrie]

Very well structured and well written. I haven't much to share beyond that. But I will definitely be watching what pieces you add with interest.

[Not here]

I agree with FT Ledrew. The title fits perfectly with your piece, and you show a lot of potential in this piece. It was lengthy but held my attention throughout, and made me relate with the character alot even though I dont necessarily feel the same in my everyday life. I think you did a great job, Kate, and I look forward to reading alot of your reading in the future. (P.S. this website is an awesome place!!)

[child of God]

This a wonderful work keep it up I really loved the stanza
"It all belongs to her
A girl with no face
Or body
Or history
Too many theories and narratives
And opinions."
Love the flow

[♥ Ari Skye ♥]

This was a very good piece Kate. Very awesome!
It was very powerful and emotion!

[Shane Mohamed]

It's a good poem about someone in denial and claustrophobia and fear of the outside world. I empathized with the character, for the real world doesn't give any breaks. I like the metaphor of the guardian that seems to always guide and rescue the girl. We all need guardians, but this one literally babied the girl. It read smoothly, and fluidly. I think you forgot to write down some words in the thought process. I tend to do that sometimes. "I'm terrified it'll....the glass" maybe you wanted to say shatter. I don't know. Anyway, great write. Thank you for sharing.

[Mai L Nissen]

There is definitely feeling in this poem :)
Imagery is good - got confused by 'stuntman', then I realised you mean a 'stunt-double' (sorry, like my action movies...).

The way I read it: the speaker is either uncomfortable showing vulnerabilities or does not believe the is room for her to be vulnerable - or both? She distances herself from her problems as a defence mechanism, but in the end realise this way of dealing with her feelings is not viable long term solution.

I’m afraid the grave will fill up with water
And I’ll drown
And I know she has no life jackets
I can hear the hail,
I’m terrified it’ll the glass
And shatter the things that protect me most.

This bit here, I read either: as a realisation that the situation is not viable and therefore in the moment of production you shift from 'I' to 'she to maintain the distance even though for a moment you dared to say 'I''? Or a realisation that 'she' is not a sufficient tool to deal with the feelings you feel and those yet to come?

Please correct me if I am wrong.

[Katethepoet]

I think your pretty on point as far as the interpretation. I think your second guess for the passage you presented is more how I intended. She is not sufficient in dealing with problems and although she can help me tell my stories , she cannot shield me from them. Thanks for giving feedback.

[....................]

The title fits perfectly with the theme of the piece which is survival through disassociation. A friend once said that writing in the third person (or in your case disassociating from yourself by creating 'she') allows us to write more freely about ourselves and it is always easier to describe what happens to 'someone else' rather than what happens to us. I enjoyed all your images but more specifically those describing struggle: faltering, stumbling, forgetting. My favorite lines (which is difficult to select here because each of your lines serve a specific purpose in the poem and are so beautifully written) make-up your fourth stanza:


When I falter with half truths
Editorialize the vulnerability
Out of the script I read daily
She will breathe life into my stories
Because borrowed stories
Always stay safe

These lines speak such truths about how we often edit the hardest stories from our own experiences and so we look to elements which soften our own realities to soften their impact on our psyches.

I enjoyed this piece very much and believe you have achieved your goal to demonstrate more vulnerability in your writing. I look forward to reading more of your work when you post it.

Oh, I believe you are missing a word in the second last line of the last stanza. Did you mean to add the word "break"?

FT