I Don't Have Schizophrenia

Heartbreak and all that jazz

'About 70% of patients with schizophrenia hear voices.'

I don’t have schizophrenia. But why do I always hear your voice?

You’re gone, you left, the sweet nothings you used to whisper in my ear echo around my brain and scratch against my skull, screaming louder than you ever intended them to.

I even hear your voice ringing through other noises. I used to lie behind cars and hold my face in front of the exhaust when their owners would take off, I would hover there for a few moments just to feel the breath of something else against my skin.

Since you left, that and the smoke that floats in front of me at the end of my fingertips are the only two breaths of fresh air in this toxic life I live.

'25% of patients with auditory hallucinations respond poorly to drugs.' I don’t have schizophrenia. But why doesn’t any pill get rid of your voice?

Ever since I was old enough to have my own social media accounts I’ve seen poetic post after post online, begging me to take drugs, “they take you out of this world” and “take you away from reality” - but the only reality I’m exposed to when on them is the fact that you are gone. And you are never coming back.

'Schizophrenia typically begins in early adulthood; between the ages of 15 and 25.' I don’t have schizophrenia, but I want it. I want to see you again, feel you again. I want to breathe the same air as you once again. No amount of pills or puffs can bring you back. No amount of lighters or Parking lights can bring light into my life the way you once did.

'Suicide is the number one cause of premature death among people with schizophrenia.' I don’t have schizophrenia. But maybe I do. Since day one I can’t stop hearing you.