Secrets

Chapter 4: Austen

*  TRIGGER WARNING: GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF OR EXTENSIVE DISCUSSION OF EATING-DISORDERS. *

Austen stares blankly at a bulletin board, it is filled with flyers and posters welcoming students into different clubs. Austen tries to avoid eye contact with the dancing, choir, and theatre clubs. My soul says go… My logical brain says don’t do it… Austen sighs sadly and her gazes over the other clubs… Chess, Boxing, Track, Football, Wrestling, Journalism, Creative Writing, Debate, Art, and Fashion…And that’s only for the fall... 

Mom wasn’t kidding, this is the best school in the country… How is it doing so well for a public school? Nonetheless in the Southern part of the Capitol… This place is interesting, that’s for sure. 

Austen takes a step back and backs into a giant. Above her was CJ staring down with no expression. Austen backs up quickly and walks into the wall. She stops, flustered and staring at CJ who has kept the same expression on his face. 

“A club is a good way to get to know people at the school.” CJ says flatly. Austen nods carefully, this guy looks terrifying! 

“Thanks for the tip.” Austen manages through shaky breaths. 

“You know, if you told James you were a girl, he will back off.” CJ says flatly once again. Austen feels her soul leave her body, loud white noise surrounds her and her legs feel weak. Stop. Pull it together.

“You think I’m a girl?” Austen laughs nervously, trying to play it off.

“I know you’re a girl.” CJ says back.

Austen pauses, “Even if you were right, how would you know something like that?” 

CJ tilts his head back and relaxes slightly, “You’re frame… and your eyes.” CJ looks up and down her body. Austen feels the need to cover herself but refrains. “You’re slender in frame… plus…” CJ pulls out his phone and shows a picture of a girl that looks like Austen. She had very long wild red and orange hair, her eyes were diamonds like Austen and they shared a similar jawline. “Aren’t you-”

“Don’t you dare speak that name.” Austen exasperates quickly. CJ doesn’t react to her, he puts his phone back into his pocket. “Please, don’t tell anyone.”

“That’s the plan.” CJ says plainly.

“Why?” 

“It seems like you wanted to keep it a secret. It’s not my business to spread it around.”

“Then why even ask?”

“I was under the impression you don’t want to fight James.”

Austen sighs, this guy is an oaf. A sweet one. “I don’t want to fight him… but I have to.”

“Why?” he asks with curiosity in the tone of his voice. 

“I need to keep up this persona until the school year ends. After that... I am free to do what I want.” Austen replies. CJ tilts his head in confusion. “It’s complicated.” CJ nods quietly, understanding.

“Well… I am off. Be careful roaming the halls during your free period. Teachers aren’t fond of leaners.” He says walking away and waving. Leaners?  

Austen begins walking, I  hope dearly… that no one else makes that connection… Maybe I should gain more mass and muscle… Am I that skinny? Austen looks around to make sure the coast is clear. She sticks her head into the girl’s bathroom, “Anyone here?” She asks using her feminine voice. There was no response. Austen runs into the bathroom and stares at herself in the mirror. Even with the extra clothes… she is still very skinny. Austen looks down at the sink. A familiar feeling crept over her. Austen looks back in the mirror and sees a version of herself that is obese. She turns herself around quickly and runs out the door. She gags, running to a trash can. No bad habits Austen. Austen puts a hand to her throat and rubs its slightly. You are strong. Three years strong.  

“Are you okay?” a girl’s voice asks. Austen turns around to a girl that was about the same height as her. She has long cornrowed, she has bright green eyes and round facial features. 

“Yeah… just uh… felt sick to my stomach.” Austen replies with her male voice again. The girl doesn’t look convinced.

“Yeah I rub my throat too... when I feel... sick to my stomach... “ She smirks at Austen. Austen doesn’t know what to think. “We’ve got a support group… I know it’s not the manliest disorder to have. But having friends that understand what you’re going through can help.”

Austen smiles weakly, “Thanks, I appreciate the offer but I have my own way of dealing with it.”

The girl keeps walking, “Just let me know if you change your mind! The name is Jasmine. It was nice meeting you!”

Austen leans back on the wall, how many secrets are going to be found out today? Will I even be able to keep this up? I should have just been a wallflower. I am such an idiot. Austen looks up and stares out the window across from her. It was a grass area in the middle of school. There was a group of students drawing, talking and having fun. Maybe I start flying under the radar after the fight… I doubt winning will do that...and if I lose I am indebted to Damon. 

Austen closes her eyes and pictures Harry, what would you do? Harry’s smiles lingers in her thoughts and Austen smiles, how I miss that damn smile. Austen opens her eyes and feels tears. She wipes her face quickly and starts walking again. For now I should focus on figuring out the different parts of the school. No time to dwell on the dead.