Sophie

One of Nick's sessions with his therapist leads him into a threshold of emotion.

I stared at the crack in the leather of this chair my body was rooted to. The crack split straight in the middle of the arm of this unfortunate chair. It’s one of those big brown leather chairs you would expect to see by a fire in a den somewhere. The chair looks inviting, but as soon as you sit down there’s this ugly splintered crack along the arm. It really is unfortunate, sad even. This chair had potential. The crack was angry and jagged from the way I’ve dug my finger into it, picking and picking. I’ve made a lot of progress making the crack larger from my first visit. Sometimes I just jam my entire thumb in there just because I can. I’ve picked at it for the last five sessions, hopefully one day I’ll be happy with how big it gets. 

“Nick, have you heard anything I just said to you?” Carla questioned as if she was actually surprised. She perched at the edge of her seat, with the glasses slid to the end of her nose. Carla Lowman was a highly successful therapist, I’ve been told. She was in her early fifties, her hair greying, she looked like someone’s younger still attractive grandmother. 

I could actually punch myself in the face thinking this could help me. I honestly don’t even know why I’m forcing myself to go anymore. It must be a self-hate thing. I can’t lie though, I honestly did have a small shred of pathetic hope that this might do some good for me. 

I briefly glanced up at her and then went back to picking the crack in the leather. I sighed, “I’m sorry, what was that again?” 

Idly I wondered if she could smell me. Whisky still burned the back of my throat. The alcohol had to be seeping out of my pores at this point. I should probably care about smelling this bad but it took a lot out of me to pretend to care. Most days I feel numb, some days I’m in so much pain I can’t even be around people. 

Carla pretended to smile. “I said, have you been sleeping better with this new medication?”

“Yeah, I sleep great.” No I don’t. I honestly can’t remember the last time I’ve slept through the night. The dark circles underneath my eyes were dark enough to be bruises. I’d rather not sleep at all than dream. Nothing is worse than the nightmares, except the good dreams about her. That’s definitely worse. I shuddered just thinking about it. 

My tired eyes searched around her office to try to find something interesting to stare at. The office has an “I’m trying to over compensate with homey things to make you feel comfortable” aura. There’s rows of books shelves with various novels and other little knick-knacks. There’s a great Persian rug that I’m sure cost a small fortune. Adjacent from the unfortunate leather chair I always sit in, is a bay window. 

The view from the window shows a park where people tend to jog, or walk their dog, or do other normal people activities. It’s almost cliché that a nice peaceful park is next to this office. I see her before it’s too late for me to look away. This woman had on athletic wear and was stretching. Her dark auburn hair was almost exactly like Sop- hers. It felt like all the oxygen got sucked out of the room. My blood turned to acid, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about her. 

“NIIIIIIIIIIICK!” Sophie screamed as I picked her up and threw her over my shoulder. She pounded on the back of my legs trying to escape my grip as I spun her around. 

“I have a dress on, dummy! I’m really trying not to give everyone a free show, if you know what I mean.” 

I laughed as I sat her back down on the ground. “Everyone is inside, Soph. I don’t think you’ll be giving any free shows tonight.”

 Every time I looked at her it almost took my breath away. She literally was hands down the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes on. Her auburn hair was always wild, almost reaching down to her waist. She had these green eyes that made you never wanting to stop staring at them. She was spontaneous, adventurous, caring, somehow she was mine. 

I was going to ensure that tonight. The little square box was burning in my pocket, I’ve had the ring for such a long time, and I just didn’t know when the right time was. Tonight was perfect, I just graduated, finally getting my degree. I have a great job already lined up. My friends and family are throwing me a huge party, I knew this would be the right time to ask Sophie. 

Her face scrunched up, “What are you staring at?”

“Nothing, you’re just so beautiful.” I winked and pulled her in for a kiss. She rolled her eyes, but I saw her smile before she kissed me back. 

She ruffled her hands through my brown hair and straightened my tie. “Come on, Nick. You’re the man of the hour! You need to get your party on!” She pulled me by the hand towards the roaring party inside my friend’s cabin. 

“Wait, Soph.” I whispered. Oh, God. This is it. I licked my lips, “I fell in love with you the day I saw you. You’re more than someone I’m in love with, you’re my best friend. You’re who I’m supposed to be with the rest of my life.” She stared at me, confused. “I want to share every moment of my life with you.” I got down on one knee.

Sophie gasped. Instantly her eyes filled with tears. “YES, NICK! YES.” She screamed.

I laughed, tears filling up in my eyes too. “You beat me to it,” I pulled the ring box out of my pocket, opening it. “But, will you marry m-” Before I could finish Sophie is already kissing me. 

Tears are streaming down her face. “We have to tell everyone!” She said as her face lit up. I followed her into the party.

I sucked in a sharp breath. My fists were clenched so tight I was shaking. I don’t let myself think about her. I’ve done so well this week. I know this set me back, I felt like my chest was ripped open. 

“Nick, are you alright?” Carla’s face was scrunched with concern. 

I sighed. No, Carla. Obviously, I am not alright. “Yes, I’m fine.”

She frowns. “Okay. What about the thing we talked about? The assignment I gave you?” Carla asked while she scribbled something down on her stationary. 

I ran my hands over my face. “Yeah, about that… There’s no way I’m doing it.”

Carla sat her pen down on her lap and looked at me. “Nick, I promise this would be good for you. Writing a letter to her will let you say the things you aren’t able to say. If you don’t want to share it with me, fine. Keep it just for yourself, but expressing all those words that are stored up in your mind will help. Since Sophi-“

“Do not say her name.” I seethed. The pain was too much I felt like each one of my ribs were shattering. Usually, I could somewhat take it, but today I couldn’t.

“Sophie is gone, Nick.” Carla spoke gently. “You can’t pretend like nothing happene-“

Before she could finish her sentence, I was already out of her office. Faintly I could hear her yelling my name but at this point I was sprinting. I couldn’t breathe. All I could hear was her name. Sophie. Sophie. Sophie. 

Memories were smashing against my skull. I felt like my head was going to burst. I needed time to get myself together. 

I whizzed past the waiting room, the secretary sitting behind her desk had a startled look on her face. I kept going until I found a hallway that led to a bathroom.  I locked the door behind me with shaky hands. I collapse against the wall onto the floor. I couldn’t stop the memory from hitting me. 

“SOPHIE!” I yell attempting to open the door with a foot. Multi-tasking has never been my strong point. 

We had finally moved into our apartment, it’s been a lengthy process of apartment hunting- but we finally found the perfect place in downtown. When we first looked at it Sophie’s face lit up with one of her megawatt grins. I knew this would be our home just from that. 

I had a bouquet of flowers in one hand, to surprise her with, and take-out from our favorite restaurant in the other- clearly I’m campaigning for fiancé of the year. I smile, finally getting the door open. 

I walk down the corridor. “Sophie, I may or may not have a surprise for you!” My shoes click on the hard wood floor. Strange, where is she? I rack my brain, I wonder if there was a meeting with the wedding planner I’m forgetting. I shrugged, at least I tried to be somewhat romantic. 

I walk into the kitchen to set the flowers and food on the counter. There’s a stack of mail laying neatly on the kitchen table, I start shifting through it; usual bill after bill. There’s a sealed blank envelop in the midst of the mail. I scrunch up my face in confusion- weird. Maybe Soph forgot to mail something? I open the envelope and pull out a piece of nice stationary. I immediately recognize it from Sophie’s journal she’s always scribbling things down in. I unfolded the piece of paper and my heart leaps into my throat when I see my name in her handwriting.

“Nick, 

Please know how much I love you. Please know none of this is your fault. Please tell my parents how much I love them. Yours too.

I know you’ll be able to get past this, Nick. You’re so strong. So much stronger than me. Please don’t let my death affect the rest of your life.

I had to do this for me, this is what I wanted.

There’s nothing you could have done,

Sophie.”

I felt the letter drop from my hands. I couldn’t breathe. “SOPHIE?!” I scream, I sprint from the kitchen to the living room. I spin around she’s not in here. 

“SOPHIE, WHERE ARE YOU?” I take the stairs two at a time to our bedroom. The door knob won’t turn- it’s locked. I put my ear against the door I don’t hear anything. Oh, God.

 “Sophie, open the door.” I beat on it with my fist. “SOPHIE, OPEN THE DOOR!” I ram my shoulder full force into the door until it finally gives and the wood snaps. I crash through the door frame, landing hard on my knees. 

There she is, sprawled out on our bed. Pills scattered around her on the bed, on the floor. Jesus Christ, where did all these come from? I launched myself to her. Her dark auburn hair was covering her face, I pushed it back. She wasn’t breathing, oh my God. She wasn’t breathing. I checked her pulse and she didn’t have one. I pulled her body to mine, she was so cold. 

Sobs racked my ribcage. “Why, Soph?” I shook so hard the bed frame moved.

I punched the wall so hard I actually put a hole in it. I clutch my fist, my knuckles are already bleeding. I’m sickly impressed that I still had that much strength in me. I pick myself off of the ground walk to the porcelain sink and run some cold water on my hands and splash it on my face. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. 

The reflection in the mirror made me flinch. I looked like a ghost of the old Nick. The dark circles under my brown eyes made them look even darker and flatter. I haven’t shaved in God knows how long. The darkness of my hair and eyes against my pale skin just made me look dead. I rubbed my eyes and sighed. This is the first time I’ve actually looked at myself in the mirror in probably months. 

I made myself really stare at my reflection. I met my own eyes, the stranger in the mirror looked so miserable. 

Somewhere deep in me, there’s still a logical part. He’s drowning under waves of hopelessness, but he’s there. I know what Sophie would want me to do. She’d tell me not to run away from things-literally. I run my hands through my disheveled hair. 

The stranger in the mirror’s eyes watch me. “What do you want to do, Nick?” I spoke at the mirror.

“You have about two options,” I narrow my eyes at my reflection. “Either you can actually try to get help, or you can just kill yourself.”

My words echoed in the small bathroom. I cocked my head to the side, actually considering these options. I swallowed roughly, I was making myself sick. I know what I have to do. It’s the only thing I have really can do. 

I retreated from the bathroom, anxiety filled my entire body. I usually just fill pain or nothing at all- this feeling has been foreign to me for a while now. I walk back through the hallway into the waiting room. Ignoring the secretary’s skeptical expression, I walk past her and I go back into Carla’s office.

The door opening makes Carla flinch from behind her desk. Her eyes meet mine with surprise. “Nick, I’m happy you’re back. We real-”

I interrupt her. I reach in my pocket and pull out the piece of stationary I’ve been carrying with me, every day for the last three months. I walk up to her desk and hand it to her.

“This is the last thing Sophie said to me before… Before she died.” I felt the hole in my chest rip open again. 

Hot tears filled my eyes. “I’m ready to, um, talk about it.” 

This time I don’t sit in the unfortunate chair. 

Author's Note

I wrote this for a creative writing class last year, I would love any and all feedback! This is one of the first things I've ever written... Lately I've been thinking about getting back into writing, I thought I would get some response on this short story.

Reviews

[Robert Parlange]

Not bad for a first story. It has a beginning, middle, and end. The main character is interesting and I really wanted to know what happened to Sophie. The fact that he thought of a happy moment while in a psychologist's office brought out the suspense. There had to be something wrong.

Good resolution to the story. It ended with something positive.

Keep writing. I look forward to your work.