We're Together

A song (NOT A POEM). I truly want any constructive critiszm I can get. Typically, I post poems but my muse wanted a song.

Staring out of the window 
another place that I remember
Wind and waves on a summer day 
a crowd on the street, but we were together

 

No, I didn't sleep that night 
Yeah, the moon, it blinded me
I don't want to let you go
No, I just don't think so
I don't think so

 

I know I will sleep tonight
Yeah, gonna let you hold me
Gonna step out of this crowd
Go back to you and me 

 

Looking out our window
the crowds have gone in, and still we stay together

 

No, I didn't sleep that night 
Yeah, the moon, it blinded me
 I don't want to let you go
No, I just don't think so
I don't think so

 

I know I will sleep tonight
Yeah, gonna let you hold me
Gonna step out of this crowd
Go back to you and me 

Reviews

[Healing Star]

Wind and Waves on a summer day
A wonderful thing when you are together
I know you will sleep tonight, with your dreams of him
to hold you tight, you wisp me through the memories
of where we've been of what we've seen.
You see the Heart on a summers air,
is out floating in the dark.
We're out floating in the dark, on pillows of memories gone by.
Can you hear it in the wind, and in the wave come crashing in
The softness of your silky hair, it is in your eyes this night so fair
And then the smoothness of your skin, it touches me and my mind goes in a spin
Me thinks we will be forever here, but then I realize my fate
I am here and you are there, I can only know you in my dreams
But dreams are sweet when they are there, the dreams of one so soft and fair.

[highthought]

this is a clear message with a clear request , easy to read which gave the reader the a better chance to grape ur feelings

[Dr. Wood ?]

clearly a song...and a pretty good one too....get that guitar out

[Kyle]

This is sweetly poetic and lyrical. I could sing this!

[Cathy Wattam]

Reads like a great song. Of course songs are really just poetry put to music. As others have said, this would sound good with an acoustic guitar. Full of emotion. I'd like to hear it sung.

[Carl]

The wait is over..... New work from Jen. Although this is a song it still has its roots deep in Poetry. This piece starts out as love lost. "Another place i remember " The sea plays a major part in this piece the wind and waves on a summers day - Weather that is because water has a cleansing quality or Jen and her Muse lived by the beach we are not told. My favourite lines are the moon it blinded me. Jen dosen't want to let him go because she feels safe with him there especially at night. When she is held she will sleep .when the crowds have gone and just two people remain you and me . Intresting ideas here it is good to see Jen flexing her poetic muscles in the form of lyrics. Acoustic in a Cafe is where i see this song being sung. Sometimes Inspiration can take us down roads we have not been before to develp our skills as a writer. IT is good to see thats what has happened here. If this little song is a taster of things to come from jen then I can't wait for the album- and the book that acompanies the album. Great work .

[Neva Flores Smith - Cha..]

beautifully lyrical......love this

[fireblossom]

I do hear a song here. It works very well as a lyric. You and an acoustic guitar that's it. You sing as if too your lover and that puts life and power into this good lyric.

It's very late here and I am tired so that's as deep as I'll go for now. Keep up the good work.

Wait...I like the chorus I know I will sleep tonight etc. Also the little refrain Looking out our window...changed the window to our window...I hear the music pause for dramatic effect and then move on...

[Jeremy Baker]

Gentle, simple longing for the essence of intimacy. Really beautiful phrasing. Like the others, I'd love to hear this set to music. Thank you for sharing =)