Temptation

Perhaps I should have never offered you the apple

For as Eve was to Adam, I soon became example

 

In empathetic times, you so easily understood

Hardships of a substance  and journeys in the “Hood”

 

My life is not sugar coated nor smoothly digested

The “joys” which satisfy never seem to be alleviated

 

I am eager to step up to home plate and take sole blame

For I know how it feels to walk with head held in shame

 

I can’t offer you a cure to the embedded seed within

Nor can I tell you how to scratch demons in your skin

 

I never said this was easy or tell you how I am proud

I screamed my silent scream wishing my voice was loud

 

My misery never wanted company, only a strong assuring hand

For once you eat the apple, walking alone makes it hard to stand

Reviews

[No]

this has wonderful use of eloquesnt language and a great example of streams of rhyming couplets. i know you greatly enjoy that style :), but there were a few lines that did not quite flow as smoothly as i believed they could have, not because of end rhymes but because of the problems that arise when creating rhymed verse in the syllables used within each line. that is one reason why most people find it much better to write rhymed verse that carries the same intentions as that portryaed in a prose poem of the same nature.
but enough for constructive criticism.
i have no room to talk.
i am glad that you feel confident enough to send me read requests and share your work because I, (and i'm sure many fellow readers would agree) thoroughly enjoy the topics that you write about and the way in which you portray them.
lovely.

favorite line:
Perhaps I should have never offered you the apple
For as Eve was to Adam, I soon became example
and
My life is not sugar coated nor smoothly digested
The "joys" which satisfy never seem to be alleviated

send me more.
mary jane

[SPINNING ON that dizzy ..]

This is nice.... well chosen words that give good images..... a bit of euphemism, a dab of drama, a poke at conscience, a stab at accountability.... hmmmm.... think you covered a lot and made us just ask the questions I like the Adam and Eve because, man, this has been goin on a long time!

Nice write.

Kath

[The Tao of Bri]

Great metaphor...for all of the things in life that lead us astray to the true path...hopefully people will have a strong and forgiving person like you to be there to help..your loyalty is so evident here.,.."I will be understanding and patient but I will not be a door mat" VERY great message here!

[RHEA CROSLEY]

Our flesh can tread to quickly where angles are to wise to fly over. If only we would wait for better fruit that God gives freely in its time. Good write.

[A.r. Bazian]

!
dear good god!
what the hell is going on ppl!
first, as a critique, i loved it!
short straight to the point, full of emotions and symbols, you have the gift i dont have!
straight attacks!
head shots!
now, as a friend, i f*****g miss you!
i'm sorry i haven;t been around, but my connection is still down, bills! lol!
your getting stronger i feel! and i think i'm right!
am i not?
please do reply soon!

[Bennett Logan]

I always enjoy reading your poetry. It's clear that you write from your own experience and knowledge, and that makes it read as being authentic to your reader as well. I also like how you took your own story and paralleled it with the story of the original sin. Very interesting.

I only have one suggestion:
- You stayed very much on topic, but I thought the imagery, metaphors, and language bounced around a bit too much. I see where you were going with your idea, though. "Substance," as you put it, is the forbidden fruit of your story and once you've eaten the fruit, you can't go back. I think you could concentrate more on your forbidden fruit. Describe the beauty of the fruit in the narrators eyes, and the destruction that comes from it. You could totally get nitty and gritty with this one, I think.

Great work once again, Jenn. Keep it up!

[Jack Frost]

Stunning - fantastic job luv

[K. Carver]

I FREAKING LOVE IT!! wow it took my breath away! good usage, of well, everything! very nice

[Emotional Orphan]

Beautiful and terrifying in its simplicity. Just enough to think about but the message is quite clear to those that know. Thanks for sharing it and I hope it is as cathartic for you as the potential it has to be for others.

[Dionysus Cain]

yeah this pretty cool, the last line folds it all together, i dont want to change it to what i think it should be written like, then that would take away your meaning. it is good the way it is, trying to get someone to listen is easy, trying to get someone to understand is hard. i see where this poem is and where it stops, but to me it can last forever. nice piece.... very nice....

[Antony]

Jen you are so forthcoming about yourself, I always enjoy your work, the title Temptation fits this perfectly, it is powerful wording and straight talk, which I like about your writing. Sometimes people get confused about the real things we may need from them and vise-versa, we get trapped and continue to walk alone, that is how I read this.

Tony