Overall, it's not a bad poem. The intention is well represented and apparent throughout. However, although I realize that you were attempting to dwindle the poem, as your protagonist is dwindling herself, you may want to take the rhythm into consideration. An example of what I mean is in the following stanza:
She was meant to learn a lifelong, embedded lesson
For fleeting self gratification soon becomes poison
Instead, try this on for size:
She was meant to learn a lifelong, embedded lesson
For fleeting self gratification soon becomes a poison
By adding "a" that one little word transforms the rhythm of the stanza into something with a beat. Otherwise, it's like the poem misses a step.
Addiction....I have to agree whatever the addiction is trying to break free from it is one of the hardest things to do. A good write about an inner struggle....!
You have captured that inner battle well! Even though I can't relate. I've known many who can, and through their tales I can sympathise with the inner battle you must face on a day to day level.
I like the word choices and the way they brough home a very real and powerful image.
thanks for sharing Jenn
Hugs and Strength to ya
Nature's Essence
gah. It's painful to read. Especially having recently read several pieces on one substance that everyone praises and I sometimes join in on those praises. The truth lies here, in this piece. There is no worse thing than addiction that I have known. Whether it is addiction to drugs, alcohol, gambling, food, negativity, people, shopping, gossip....you name it, I've seen it. And most likely, I've lived it. Except for the gambling thing...I know I'm not lucky enough to win.
It's amazing the power of addiction. It seduces you like a shelter in the middle of a storm only to become the storm itself. Very good words you've woven about a fight too many are familiar with. Stay strong, be well, and above all....keep writing!!!!! Much love~~ Wonderful, beautiful words.
Just like the title of the poem implies, "shiny shards" also cut at me, as I read this piece. It pierces to the soul. The intensity blinded my eyes and left me spun around in circles.
Overall, this piece is good, just like all of your self manifestations, and I feel, above average. I feel some parts made me a little lost, some were not as clear, as if the poetic entity in you took over. lol which is good sometimes. I like the sadness in this piece. I think many peoploe only like happy poetry, and don't like rants, but I believe not all poems have to be upbeat. As humans, we can be a kaleidoscope of emotions, and for me, i respect others who are not afriad to reveal themselves in such an intimate form. It's not easy going through the rough times, let alone writing about them, and showing them to the world.
You are one of the better ones on the site at doing this.
Good title, Jenn. For this war, the line," She was meant to learn a lifelong embedded lesson" is so true. Addiction is a lifelong battle. Very well chosen words. ..."Fleeting self gratification soon becomes a poison" hitting the nail on the head! Anyone with an addiction of any type can identify with this, Jenn. Well -written! Barbara
Overall, it's not a bad poem. The intention is well represented and apparent throughout. However, although I realize that you were attempting to dwindle the poem, as your protagonist is dwindling herself, you may want to take the rhythm into consideration. An example of what I mean is in the following stanza:
She was meant to learn a lifelong, embedded lesson
For fleeting self gratification soon becomes poison
Instead, try this on for size:
She was meant to learn a lifelong, embedded lesson
For fleeting self gratification soon becomes a poison
By adding "a" that one little word transforms the rhythm of the stanza into something with a beat. Otherwise, it's like the poem misses a step.
I write from my heart. I follow my instinct. I live impulsively. I never feel like my feet are firmly grounded as I am a free spirit. I am a very intuitive person, sometimes to the point it hurts .. more..