Her War

Shiny shards spread as colors from childhood kaleidoscope

Unfeigned disaster becomes insecure girl's solitary hope

 

For so long her life passed exploiting her impulsive nature

As inscruptable scars soon collapse her delusive stature

 

She was meant to learn a lifelong, embedded lesson

For fleeting self gratification soon becomes a poison

 

She once found pleasure in the inhaled intoxicant

But soon her mind became jaded and intolerant

 

There is no lasting joy found in multiple incidents

For soon withdrawals are no longer coincidence

 

Shiny shards have pierced her inner soul

Life passed by as she lost all self control

 

Small pieces of each evil self infliction

Lead her to begin her battle of addiction

 

Reviews

[Damian Alan Gray]

Overall, it's not a bad poem. The intention is well represented and apparent throughout. However, although I realize that you were attempting to dwindle the poem, as your protagonist is dwindling herself, you may want to take the rhythm into consideration. An example of what I mean is in the following stanza:

She was meant to learn a lifelong, embedded lesson
For fleeting self gratification soon becomes poison

Instead, try this on for size:
She was meant to learn a lifelong, embedded lesson
For fleeting self gratification soon becomes a poison

By adding "a" that one little word transforms the rhythm of the stanza into something with a beat. Otherwise, it's like the poem misses a step.

[Dionysus Cain]

it is written good, but i think the words could be stronger, there could be more meaning felt when reading this. but overrall it wasnt bad..

[Michael]

Recursive couplets are a really nice touch. Rhymed couplets often are used in more sing-song type of poetry but you really it work well here, I am sure that was not an easy task.

I do see one small nit, I think you meant to use inscrutable instead of inscruptable in the second couplet.

Very nice work!

[A.r. Bazian]

peace be with you!
love and gratitude my friend!
ppl dnt just get what they deserve... they have to work for it!
fight, dont ever let go... coz you deserve much better!
maybe i'm too unjust when judging this poem, becoz of my emotions that tend to lie by your side worried as my friend, so i think i cant really concentrate much at the structure which is good i think...
be well!
you deserve the best!

[Erin Phoenix]

Beautifly put.

I felt all of your words.

:)

[THERISA]

Jenn, reading this poem marking your personal struggles to overcome this huge inner demon. Is a view into a world i have only witness from the outside. As various members of my struggle against alcohol. You have taken a huge step in being able to label the problem which faces you on a daily basis. I wish there was more that i could offer to you beyond these words in this review. Please do not give up on yourself and lose all hope. Thank you for sharing this very personal poem with us.

Therisa

[Mr. Lopez]

There is a masterful form to your writing style that can also bleed into your personal struggles with addiction.
Only you have the power to choose the path in which your life will go.As I am sure that you have heard before " you can lead a horse to water but....." It's not the tenth hit that will get you , it's the first. If you don't take that first hit then you won't have anything to recover from. The choice is yours so choose wisely.

There is a fountain of talent in your writing that has run dry at the hands of abuse. Your talent and your fans await you. Good luck.
Peace

[Bennett Logan]

This is a little different than some of your previous poems, and that has a lot to do with your choice of words. I like it. I can tell that you intentionally used each word in the poem. That makes what you have here a very good start. I especially like the kaleidoscope (I think that's how it's spelled) idea. I think it would be interesting and colorful to expand on. You can tie it in to the current war theme or let it go in whichever direction that it goes. Either way, I'm glad to see you writing again and I look forward to reading more. Have a good one, Ms. Jenn, and definately keep up the good work.

[Pinky]

I loved it... i understand how u feel... there is an addiction to everything... and u got it right!

[Ralphy]

Thank you Jenn, this was well written with a mirror of this was a mirror of solitude that not only shows the refection but also the shadows that linger in soul of an addiction. This is a nice write of expression�thank you

[An owl on the moon]

You brilliantly take the concept of war and bring it down to a measurable, relatable, personal level. The depth and darkness here is powerful, and the despair overwhelming. Powerful words!