Sullen

Teary eyed mother is timeworn

She says “You have purloined my life”

Resentment stained by handkerchief

Your body is chilled and feels stiff

Little girl, you’re an unfit wife

Catching lightning bugs with your knife

You’re walking life of tragedy

Brushing tears behind your own smile

Planning your plot so tactfully

Dead flowers follow your land mile

Generations watch your agony

As you await your valiant prince

Should he embrace your galaxy

Your conscious, he has to convince

You’re bound to be his tragedy

Teary eyed mother is time worn

Reviews

[Pax Analog]

Pitched somewhere between the shadow and the Light. What expedites the spiritual transition many say they want (but not really) is a major root shift in the assumption of identity. Your words are vivid in this twilight zone. The "valiant prince" is finally the soul's realignment to Spirit power over the interminable dirge of struggling incarnations. It's as easy as intuitive preference.

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

I think this is great!! It is very original and has no formulaic attitude at all!! It is a true outpouring of emotion, I feel like. Timeworn, like a timeworn image? That is what I imagine. Good use of purloined! I know I should not be so bold as to suggest, but I think "Resentment stained my handkerchief" is a great line also (which is how I accidentally first read it). Chilled and feels stiff is a terrific description! Unfit wife is harsh and really hits home. I like the line, "Planning your plot so tactfully," as it has such good alliteration, and I always like that sibilance or plosivity. Generations watch your agony! Great line!! I wonder if you use the term galaxy in the original sense (of "milky way," which has some undertones...). He has to convince -interesting! You're bound to be his tragedy! This is full of great and ringing lines, that haunt the ears!

[justjenn_2u]

Thanks for the deep review. I appreciate your insight. Words are powerful. I will visit your work and give you some reviews.

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

Yay! Well, I was just reviewing...no need to quid pro quo or tit for tat with mine, but if you like I did just write "A Dream Alone" which has only had one review so far...I would welcome more if you like. I do really like this one, and I think it is really powerful.

[A.r. Bazian]

It is how time wears us out, but how it wears a loving mother. You've come a long long way a-due. and Yes, i've known tragedy, and you're not one, thats true... we feel sorry for those who fall for us, who bear our weights, and take us home, but while we linger in our worries, in our doubts, those who love us, stick around. They made their choices, they were not made untrue, they made their points, and so did you. and they will bear, your loved ones will, and while time wears you out, it wears them still... but they will love you... those who pass, those who stay... those who depart, and those not stray... they will love you. we are our own tragedies as tragedies always are, we're no one else's, and we may be our own, but that is all we'll be; our own weights, and our own misery.
we do still need look for love in their eyes, for how they shine, and how they revise, every promise, and every scar, that was kept, or was broken, or is rejoiced thus far. Do not taint their love with the stain of your tragedy, it will unsettle your.

[justjenn_2u]

My best writer friend as always hurls the truth at me and I love it. Thanks bro.

[Avinash]

Melancholic and mesmerizing at the same time, almost like a song :)

[John Stussy]

You've written a heartbreaking one here, making your reader feel for the subject. Jacob's already covered the dead-but-living aspect of the poem, and you nailed that whole picture with your words. Well done.

[justjenn_2u]

Thank you John, my long term stead fast writer friend. We rock together and you always read my emotions. I miss you.

[Simon Welsh]

Really saddening yet such a powerful write. I like.

[larryb]

So dark and sad Jenn well written ..good to see you back in action

[m.s.early]

The title is perfect. Your anguish is exemplarily illustrated. Very dooming and despaired.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

this is really sad, Jenn---i see a mother brooding over the loss of a daughter...but not a daughter who is dead..one who has succumbed to a life of drugs....one who is on a path to the grave...and already the flowers put on the grave have died....she will follow unless she turns it around...and the Mother is so worn from worry..

very moving in its wording.

[justjenn_2u]

Spoken from a mother's view, you nailed it. Thanks for review so much.