Not Damaged Goods

Pure and raw feelings

These feelings come and go in waves and stop me from being able to catch my breath.  I call out and look everywhere for hands that will help me but I still feel so alone and terrified.  There were times I was capable of fighting these helpless feelings.  I would tell myself that it's all part of learning and healing.  I would say "live and learn."  Life goes on, doesn't it?  Will my life continue to go on?  Is this the beginning of the end?  Why do I kick, scream and fight so hard?  I am getting tired of fighting and my throat is in pain from screaming.  So now the tide is taking me away from the mainland.  To safety?  Or solid ground?  Doesn't matter if it's an island, I am alone.  I do pray the end comes very soon and I will feel no pain.  Wait a minute, I just saw a bright flash of hope.  Where are you hope?  Did you leave me?  Are you still there?  Do you still love me?  Will my empty chair be noticed?  Did you ever really care about me?  The waves will not stop now and they are pulling me under.  It will soon be over.  God, are you there to save me?  Will you help me?  I never learned to swim and my breathing is getting shallow.  Oh God, I feel your hands holding me, steadying me as my breath comes back.  Your hands are warm and secure.  All this time, I thought I would sink and you answered my bleak cry when I thought I was at my last breath.  God, lift me higher, bring me as close to you as I can be.  I want to be in your life boat.  I really got scared this time, God.  More scared than I have ever been.  The world has been so dark and ugly.  I have seen the face of evil choking me while growling.  I didn't think I could ever break the chains that bound me.  I couldn't do it on my own.  Oh Jesus, hold me so tight and give me all the strength I can muster to hold onto your promises for I know they are true.  Jesus, I have always owed you my life.  My breathing has returned stronger than ever, I feel like I can carry my burden to the foot of the cross.  You have resuscitated me.  You have showed me that I don't have to carry my burden all my days.  You have lifted me and carried me, one more time.  I don't know why, Jesus, I have failed you so many times without remorse.  I know I made you sad when I disobeyed and chastised you.  Oh Jesus, the worldly sorrow I felt is now replaced with Godly sorrow and I will stand and march the rest of my days for you.

Reviews

[Traci]

Penned from the soul, always the sincerest form of poetry! Inner demons lurk in the dark corners of your mind, raising thoughts, questions. Yet you are able to bring strength to your word that resounds with those of us embroiled in our own struggles. I'm touched by your hope, your faith, which permeates in all times of darkness. Excellent work, Jenn.

[justjenn_2u]

Your review is touching to me. I do appreciate you taking the time to read my work.

[E. M. DuBois]

This world can be so harsh and unforgiving, it’s wonderful to know there’s always someone to put His hand on our back and hold us up. I, for one, know exactly what it’s like to walk with “Godly sorrow.” So many times did I feel growing up that I had let him down just by not taking the time to ask for his help or give him my thanks, always only relying on myself and wallowing in my own failures, celebrating my own victories. I forgot that he was always there with me, cheering me on and helping me back up. This piece speaks to that: a world that seems sentient out to get you, cutting you off from every vestige of hope in its unrelenting determination to see you sink to your worst. But He’s always there to pull you right back above those dark waves. For me, this little story is one to be printed out, folded up, and carried around in your pocket, a simple reminder that your prayers never fall on deaf ears, and His strength is always available, ready to be lent with no expectation of anything in return but a simple “Thank you, God.” And maybe a little bit of love. Because He loves you, and he’s always there. Just like this story should.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

This is not as crisp as some of your other writing. It meanders a little too frequently without effect and is a little too strong on pushing religion as salvation. Often those who have no self nail themselves to gods.

[Mockingbird]

excellent portrayal of ranting and whining.

[Frieda P]

Wow this one comes from the depths of the soul, full of pathos, hope it was cathartic to purge these demons.

[David Scott]

Jenn, keep writing the raw. This reads like pure honesty.
I'm happy for you. Finding your true purpose in the heart of God is an eternal blessing.

It doesn't matter if you have it all figured out. Just share what you know by experience.

[m.s.early]

Fast paced. Stream of conscious, but not really.
Could be timely for some that read this.
Hope.